


In the mess of it all

by tigreluna



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Amazingphil - Freeform, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dan Howell/Phil Lester Comfort, Daniel Howell - Freeform, Domestic Dan Howell/Phil Lester, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Friendship/Love, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phandom - Freeform, Phil Lester - Freeform, Platonic Relationships, Platonic Soulmates, YouTube, danisnotonfire - Freeform, interactive introverts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-05
Updated: 2018-07-31
Packaged: 2019-05-01 07:12:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 44,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14515152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tigreluna/pseuds/tigreluna
Summary: Dan and Phil mid-way trough their second and last tour. Everything seemed to be going fine: their audience were enjoying themselves and so did Dan and Phil. But on one show, something happened, Phil dind't know if he could keep doing it.





	1. The start of new things

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first fic and I don't know if it'll be a short one or a slow-burn (hopefully the latter, cause I like them the most).
> 
> Please sorry for any typos or grammatical errors, English is not my first lenguage:)
> 
> [Hopefully I'll be able to upload every week]

It was close to July, meaning that the end of their second –and last- show was coming close to an end. They were enjoying themselves, and they couldn’t be more proud of their work and effort that had been put into it.  
June 16th rolled around, and Dan and Phil were making sure everything was fine before going on stage.

Everything was fine; the crowd was cheerful and eager, yet respectful (so that was nice). The ‘Deep conversation’ part of the show started, and Dan made his way to sit in front of the platform, settling down next to Phil, who had made his way there before Dan.  
They answered some of the questions, and Phil started feeling anxious, suddenly, he had a hard time trying to get his breathing steady, and his head stop from spinning. He was trying really hard not to let any of his emotions show, answering one question about regrets in his life. He broke. 

The crowd went really quite (more quite than Dan and Phil had ever seen when there were fans in front of them). Phil got up from next to Dan abruptly:  
\- ‘’I’m sorry. I need a moment. I can’t-.’’- He turned around and rushed to get backstage.

Dan didn’t know what the fuck was happening. He looked at all the people in front of him, watching him and wondering if this was part of the show. He let out a low and half laugh. He then got up an informed that they would be seeing them in a moment (as if everything was planned).  
When Dan went backstage, at first he didn’t see Phil, until he heard a muffed sob in the corner, and caught a glimpse of Phil’s shoe. He was sitting down, and hiding next to a big table full of computers and cables. 

Dan approached him carefully yet really fast, worried about his best friend. He had never seen him like this, breaking down in public. Hell, he rarely got to see Phil cry. He always thought he was okay, even though he knew he sometimes hid himself in his bedroom or shower, just so his crying could blend with the sound of the water. 

He kneeled next to Phil: ‘’hey, hey, hey! Look at me. Talk to me, please. Phil, what happened? Are you okay? – He cursed at himself internally for asking such a stupid question, but it wasn’t everyday he found himself watching Phil cry.  
The only words Dan could make out were some kind of ‘I can’t any more’, ‘I’m tired of all of this’. He was speechless. He had no idea his best friend was feeling like that. And for how long? What was happening? Why hadn’t he noticed something was wrong? He felt like a bad friend. Like a bad person for not noticing something was not alright.

Dan was growing more anxious. Not only because Phil wasn’t responding to his questions and couldn’t stop crying, but because they were doing the show, like literally, people were waiting, they had stopped in the middle of it.  
It was also true that the first priority of Dan was Phil, so the show could wait (he tried to convince himself).  
After almost fifteen minutes, Phil calmed himself. He looked at Dan with still watery and red eyes and his next movement was to launch himself at Dan and wrap his arms around him.  
Dan was caught by surprise, but he didn’t retreat back. Instead, he held Phil tighter and even dared to place a soft kiss to his now-messed-up hair. 

Dan didn’t dare to move. He didn’t know what to do, so he opted for running his fingers up and down Phil’s back, trying to somehow calm him down.  
Phil was the one who broke their hug, he then looked straight into Dan’s eyes, and Dan couldn’t help but notice how blue they were, and how he’d never seen them shine with such intensity. But the worst thing was that the reason they looked like that was because Phil had been crying.  
Once again it was Phil who broke the silence: ‘’I feel kinda better now, let’s get back there and finish this.’’  
Dan felt too scared to oppose to that, even though all he wanted was to stay there and care for his friend. 

The show came to an end, and they made their way back to the hotel. It wasn’t as fancy as the others they had reserved, but in no way was that a room to call ‘small’ or cosy’. It looked what it was, expensive. 

Phil opened the door with hesitation, Dan didn’t know why Phil was taking so long to put the damn card through the door lock, but Phil was scared of what would be coming. He knew Dan wouldn’t let go of what had happened in the venue, but he was dreading having to face his emotions.  
Since he was little, he had always put that smile in his face. Obviously he wasn’t always happy, but he had adopted that bubbly personality and he hated letting other people down, specially his loved ones. As he grew up, he grew to know how to hide better, and how to pretend like the best. But that was until Dan, because he started to break some walls. Not all of them – of course – but some just so Dan could trust him, especially at the start of their friendship. 

Once they were all settled in their room, Phil said something along the lines of how tired he was, and laid on his bed, he didn’t even change, or take his shoes off, nor pulling the comforter over him.

Dan was still putting some of his belongings away, trying to get everything organized, as good as he could, just because he wasn’t feeling like losing chargers or whatnot-like he always did-. 

Upon hearing some muffling, guessing Phil had said something, he turned around to see his friends. He felt something on his stomach: seeing his friends like that hurt him. When they were at home, either Dan or Phil could retreat to their rooms whenever they were feeling down or too vulnerable, but now they were sharing a room, and Phil was too tired to escape from it.

Dan moved his feet and crunched in front of Phil’s bed, so he could look at Phil’s face. A tear was running down his cheek.  
-‘’Phil….’’ – Dan didn’t know what to say or do, he wasn’t used to being in that situation –‘’hey Phil, look at me, please’’ - he said as he wiped the tear with his thumb His friend slowly opened his swollen eyes – ‘’Please tell me what’s wrong, what’s going through your mind? – Dan tried to sooth Phil again.

After seconds (that felt like minutes) of them looking at each other, Phil finally talked:  
-‘’Dan… I’m not sure I can’t do that part again…’’


	2. Nothing comes easy

It was late at night and they were both sleeping, or so it seemed. Dan woke up and he didn't know why. When he became aware of his senses, it was when he realized that the cause of his awaken state was Phil. He was crying. 

Without giving it a second thought, Dan got up and went to Phil's bed, pushed the duvet aside and laid there, wrapping an arm around Phil's waist.  
''This is weird'' He thought or a moment. But then he realized that he didn’t know any other way of showing support.  
\- ''Phil, what happened?'' - Dan asked in a low voice.

-'' I didn't mean to wake you, sorry Dan'' - ''Phil, don't worry about waking me up. Please talk to me. What's going through your mind? What's making you feel like this?''- Dan didn't want to pressure him, but at the same time, he wanted to know.

When Phil composed himself a little bit, he turned around, now facing Dan. They were really close, their noses almost touching because the size of the bed couldn't give them much space to be spread out.

\- ''I feel like I've said too much'' Phil said.  
-''What do you mean?''  
-'' For all these years I've tried so hard to build this persona on the internet; the happy one that always smiles and looks at the bright side of things. It is obvious that I have insecurities and people know that. But.... saying them out loud... as well as my regrets in life. I fear that I will talk too much and that that will have some kind of repercussion. I don't know... I'm talking nonsense. I should probably let you sleep Dan, I don't want to keep you up with my problems and tomorrow will be a busy day''.

Dan had had enough of it. He couldn't stand watching Phil dismissing his emotions as if they were a burden. He lifted his hand and placed it on the side of his face. Phil flinched a bit at the unexpected movement, but didn't say anything against it. A moment of silence while looking at each other's eyes was all it took for Phil to shed another tear. ''Phil...'' As Phil closed his eyes, not wanting to see the look of hurt in his friend's eyes, Dan continued ''Don't share anything you don't feel comfortable with. And fuck it if everything is superficial and you don't ''go too deep''. I really want this to be an amazing experience as well as it is for me.''

Upon hearing those words, Phil opened his eyes and started to open up, he knew Dan was someone who wouldn't judge him ''It's just I've always put so many walls in front of my true emotions and insecurities because that's literally the only things that the internet doesn't know, well, also my _private_ life. You know what I mean. And it's all been so sudden. Before I could even think about it, I was saying things I haven't even said to you. And I don't like that.''

Even though Dan couldn't relate - because he did show his insecurities at some extent - he understood what Phil was saying. ''Phil, it's okay to say open up about things. On stage you only said a few things that were crossing your mind, but it wasn't anything that 'deep`, and I'm not saying this as a bad thing, what I'm trying to say is that it's okay to say things to other people before you've told me, and it's fine if you want to not say anything to anyone. But please, tell me when something we're doing doesn't feel right to you. We can change and work through things.''

Phil thought for a moment. He was keeping so much from Dan, things that were even hard to come to terms for himself. He has spent so much trying to avoid bringing up his concerns to Dan because he knew his friends was always going through a lot. 

After them being silent for a few minutes, Phil decided he, at that moment, was going to open up about one of his biggest secrets. He trusted Dan, again, he knew he wouldn’t judge him, but it was hard. ‘’Dan, there’s been something on my mind for a while. And you’re my best friend and I trust you with all my heart, but I’m still scared.’’ ‘’Of what, Phil? I’m here for you, and I always will.’’  
At that, Phil got taken aback. Was he doing the good thing? What if something changed? He got scared. ‘’I-I am…’’ ‘’Yes?’’ ‘’Dan I think I’m gay.’’

Okay, Dan wasn’t expecting that at all. Yes, they always joked and commented on other males’ appearances and whatnot, but he really didn’t think any more of it.

‘’I’m sorry Dan, I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable now or anything.’’ And before he could turn his back, Dan grabbed his arm and looked at Phil’s eyes, thinking once about their colour – they were a deep blue, reflecting the slight brightness that the moon was forming in their room – ‘’Phil, I’m really glad that you’ve told me this. Please don’t think that I’m uncomfortable now, that I will shy away from you or that I will start acting different. I still love you all the same.’’  
Thinking for a bit, Phil finally wrapped Dan in a hug. ‘’ Thank you. I was just scared to tell you, even though I knew that you would be okay with it. But what scares me the most is the possibility of me slipping it in that part of the show. I’m not ready.’’ 

Dan hugged him back with tightness; he knew Phil needed that further reassurance. ‘’Will go through it again, and as for the questions sent at that right moment, will take a bit more to choose from them. We’ll make sure that our private lives aren’t at risk of exposure.

A muffed ‘thank you’ were the last words spoken that night. They fell asleep in an embrace.


	3. New days to come

The morning passed in a rush. Their alarm didn’t go off and they woke up to a phone call from an angry manager. Nonetheless, they made it to the venue on time and the show went great.

When they got back to their hotel, they both got to their beds and threw themselves, facing the ceiling with their arms wide open and a sight of tiredness leaving their lips. Dan turned his face to the right so he could look at Phil ‘’Hey, how are you feeling? ‘’ ‘’Tired, but happy that the show went fine.’’ Dan saw that his friend was smiling as he was talking, and that calm him a bit. ‘’I mean after the deep talk, did the changes make it better? ‘’ Phil turned his face so he could see Dan ‘’Yeah, thank you. I don’t know if I could keep having doing it for too long if we didn’t make those little changes.’’  
That was the reassurance that Dan needed. He recalled the talk they had yesterday night, and Phil’s confession. He didn’t want to bring it up again. Not if Phil didn’t do it first (and even if he decided to talk about it again). 

\- ‘’Hey, do you wanna grab dinner or something? I’m starving’’ – said Dan.  
\- ‘’Sure thing. Just wait so I can have a shower.’’

After fifteen minutes Phil was out of the bathroom. He had changed into a navy blue button up shirt, some dark skinny jeans and his go-to shoes, giving the outfit a more casual look.  
Dan didn’t bother to change, he thought the show outfit was good enough for having dinner.

As they walked out of their hotel, they thought about where to go, and decided on a good-reviewed restaurant on the top of a building. It was a bit expensive, Phil had no idea (their final choice was proposed by Dan).  
While Phil was showering, Dan had decided that he wanted to treat Phil. He deserved it. He had been going through a lot on his own, and Dan wanted to show him that he cared for him and that he had him if Phil ever needed someone.

Even though the restaurant was quite popular, it didn’t seem like it was packed.  
A waiter accompanied them to a table and handed them a menu. While looking at them, Phil realized something, opening his eyes wide open ‘’Dan, this place it really expensive! Like some pasta costs almost thirty pounds, what is it made of? Fucking gold? ‘’ Dan laughed at that. ‘’What? ‘’ Phil asked, he didn’t get what was so funny. ‘’Phil, it’s okay; we don’t have to worry about the money. I mean, I think we can afford a dinner like this after eating ihop, McDonalds or already-made-salads for like two weeks straight.   
‘’I mean, I know, but it still doesn’t make sense to me’’ ‘’ you’ll see later’’ Phil raised his eyebrow at that comment, but didn’t think much else of it.

The dinner progressed, and so did their conversation. It always flowed so easily, and if they had nothing to say, even their silence felt comfortable.  
When they finished with their desert, Dan paid the bill, and as soon as he did, he stood up. ‘’Come with me.’’ Phil had no idea what was happening but he didn’t question Dan.

After walking through the restaurant, Dan stopped in front of some sliding doors. ‘’Ready?’’ He asked as he turned his face to watch Phil. Phil simply nodded.  
Dan opened the doors to reveal an astonishing view from the whole light up city. ‘’Holy shit’’ Was all Phil could say. He wasn’t expecting that.   
Dan giggled and went further trough the balcony only to stop on the edge of it, admiring what was displayed in front of his eyes. Phil went to stand next to his friend. ‘’I know I’ve said it a lot in the last 48 hours, but thank you, Dan’’ Upon hearing those words, Dan looked at Phil with a soft look ‘’You don’t have to say it. You deserve a nice dinner, it’s nothing to be so thankful for. You needed a little break, and as a friend, this is the least I could do.’’ Phil’s smile only grew wider, and he put his head on Dan’s shoulder to show thankfulness in another way.

After some more minutes of city gazing, they went to a table placed in the corner to have some drinks. Dan decided on vodka with Malibu (he didn’t want to admit it, but his subconscious knew he liked reminiscing on the old days). Phil, like every time he drinks, chose a fruity beverage, but pretty strong still.

In a lull - and after finishing his second drink- Dan decided to ask ‘’Phil… how… when did you realize you weren’t straight? ‘’ He lowered his voice at the last words not knowing why, maybe he felt embarrassed of something, but he wasn’t sure.  
Phil was caught by surprise. He had started having some thoughts and starting questioning things when he moved out from his rather small and conservative home town. ‘’I think it all goes back when I moved to go to university. It was all so different, and so many different people, I started questioning everything: my morals, my actions, thoughts, and… myself’’

Dan waited for Phil to finish, looking at him not giving away any reaction, but his eyes told different and Phil could see that. ‘’At some point I wasn’t even sure who I was. I met someone in one of my classes, and decided to be someone different just to see if they’d like me. His name was James. He was as tall as us, so that was good. Hahaha’’ Phil gave a hollow laugh at his own words, but Dan new that sadness laid behind it. ‘’ I started meeting up with him, and one night, while we were watching a movie at my dorm, he kissed me. I freaked out about it and…. Well, that’s when it all started. Since then, even though I haven’t dated a guy again, the realization of me not being as straight as I though started’’

Dan was a bit confused at that. Didn’t Phil tell him ‘I think I am gay’ the other night? If Phil knew since his uni years, why did he say it that way? But Dan didn’t dwell on it any more.   
Phil looked at Dan and recognized his look of confusion, so he thought he might as well explain it all – fuck it, he now had alcohol on his system, and if it wasn’t for that, who knew when he’d work out the courage to speak up again – ‘’After moving to my Manchester apartment, I decided to repress it. I was dealing with a lot of stress from the change of routine, house and whatnot, and I didn’t want anything else to make me feel worse’’ What Phil didn’t mention was the fact that his relationship with Dan was growing bigger, faster and stronger than he could ever imagine, and he couldn’t dream of losing him over something like Phil’s sexuality. 

‘’What about you? I know you sometimes joke about Even Peters and all of that, but…’’ Phil didn’t need to finish his question for Dan to realize what he was inquiring. ‘’Sometimes I think about it. I mean, I know I’m not 100% straight, but I find myself panicking a bit at the thought of putting a label to it.’’ ‘’You don’t have to label yourself, Dan. You’re the first to say that labeling things sometimes is pointless and not needed.’’ Dan couldn’t put his thoughts together, so instead he asked Phil if they could get out of there and return to where they were staying the night.

On their way back neither of them said anything. Instead, they threw glances at each other when neither of them were looking. It felt weird.  
They arrived to their room a little bit past midnight, but it was fine since the following day they had a day off before returning back to the airport. 

After getting prepared for bed and laying on their beds, they were looking at each other. ‘’Sometimes I wonder how different would I feel if I went out with a man. I know it’s been a long time since I’ve done anything even with a girl, but I know I’d still enjoy it. At the same time, the idea of being with… I-I think I’d like it just the same.’’ Dan was embarrassed after his confession. It wasn’t official, but it still made him feel a bit on edge.  
The only lamp lighting the room was between the beds, it was dim, but Dan could see the curves of Phil’s lips turning upwards.   
‘’Have you ever watched gay porn?’’ Now Dan was taken aback by that question. He knew Phil was no saint, but he had never thought about the possibility of his friend ever watching porn.  
‘’I have. Not much because it’s just as false as straight porn, but… you know, it was one of those nights when you can’t sleep and… yeah.’’  
Phil let a small laugh leave his mouth. ‘’Dan, it’s okay. I don’t watch porn, but it helped watching some, erm.., explicit films.’’   
Dan lingered at that thought for a moment. Films with explicit content he could do. Maybe when they went back home he could try.

‘’Hey, it’s okay if you can’t figure it out now. It took me almost 15 years to come to terms with it myself.’’ Dan could only smile at that, his anxious feeling disappearing. ‘’Phil, thank you’’ ‘’What for?’’ ‘’For being my friend, for being you.’’


	4. Someone

The tour came to an end so Dan and Phil made their way back to London. Their flight passed rather quickly, they were really tired so after the first twenty minutes they both doze off.

Phil was the first one to wake up, the need to pee pulling him off from his sleep. He made his way to the toilet, noticing how narrow the corridor was. After trying really hard not to knock anyone’s limbs resting on the armrest of the sits, Phil made it to his destination. As soon as he grabbed the door handle to open the door, someone pushed it from the inside, making Phil stumble, trip over his toes, and ending with his back on the opposite wall. 

‘’Oh my god! Are you okay? – A voice made Phil’s head snap upwards. 

Phil’s breath was caught on his throat. He was looking at the man who caused the incident: tall, around the same height as Phil, he had fair skin, brown hair pushed backwards in a small quiff with some curls falling in front of his eyes, probably because they didn’t want to cooperate with the hairstyle. But the thing that made Phil hard to answer the men’s questions was his eyes: almost black. A shade of brown that could be confused with the iris itself. It sounds as if they were black holes, but what Phil saw were eyes in which you could get lost into. Galaxies, where if you entered, you couldn’t come back.

‘’Hey, are you okay? Did I really hurt you?’’ Phil finally snapped to reality. ‘’Uh. Oh no, no. It’s fine. I’m fine really. I’m Phil. I mean… sorry’’. After cursing himself for his awkwardness, and after a soft chuckle and a small nod from the man, Phil entered the bathroom.  
 _Holy shit_ He said to himself, looking at his reflection in the mirror. His cheeks were a tinted with a bit of red, his paleness bringing out the colour even more. 

He made his way back to his seat. Dan was still asleep. He didn’t know what had really happed. Still startled, not knowing what to do with himself, Phil decided to simply try to relax while observing his surroundings. ‘’Hey’’ A soft voice made him jump a bit. He looked at Dan, but was confused as he was still resting with his mouth hanging a bit open and his eyes still close. Phil chuckled at the sight. ‘’I’m sorry for making you almost fall’’ The voice spoke again. Phil recognized it, but he didn’t know where it came from. ‘’Over here.’’ The man giggled, and Phil turned his body to the left. He was welcomed by the man smiling and waving his hand in an almost shy way. ‘’Oh, hey’’ Phil turned the smile. 

‘’I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for almost breaking your head’’ ‘’It’s fine, really. I’m surprised it wasn’t me the one making you fall. I’m usually the clumsy one.’’ The man laughed again. ‘’I’m Matt by the way.’’ He said, displaying his hand in front of Phil for him to shake. ‘’I’m Phil. ‘’ He responded, taking the other man’s hand.   
‘’So, are you from London or are you coming to visit? Wait, that was stupid, your accent is already enough for an answer’’. Phil chuckled, trying not to seem too flustered he averted his eyes to the floor. ‘’Yes, I’m from London. Well, actually, I’m from the north, but I’ve been living in the city for 5 years with my friend.’’ Phil said as he turned his head to look at a sleeping Dan.

After a mere 5 seconds of silence, Phil cursed himself for maybe having said too much. He turned his head again and saw Matt looking at Dan as well. ‘’What about you?’’ At that, the man turned his eyes to Phil. ‘’I’m moving to London. I grew up here, but when I was 14 I had to move to the states because of my dad’s job.’’ ‘’And did you live in London originally or..?’’ ‘’No, I used to live in a town called Harlow, but I’ve decided to come to the city as it’s easier to commute to my job. The downside of it though, is that it’s still all too new for me, as a kid, I hardly went outside of town.’’

Before Phil knew what he was going to say, he responded ‘’Well, if you want, I can show you around sometime.’’ Even Phil froze a bit as he realized what he was saying. Was he flirting? ‘’Sure, I’d love that’’ Matt didn’t seem to mind Phil’s proposal. ‘’I can give you my number if you want, but I won’t be able to meet up for a bit though, first I have to get all settled in my flat.’’ ‘’Yeah! Sure, no problem.’’ Just after they exchanged numbers, the pilot announced that they’d be landing in two minutes. 

Dan woke up to the sound of the announcement ‘’Hello there sleeping beauty’’ ‘’Shut up’’ Dan responded, fondness in his voice.

 

They got to their flat, they didn’t unpack. Instead, they ordered some takeout and sat on the kitchen table, talking about the tours and its best moments. In a lull, Phil decided he wanted to share something with Dan ‘’I think I met someone’’. Dan was taken aback. _How the hell? When? I’ve been glued to Phil the whole tour_ Dan wasn’t jealous, just surprised. Maybe a bit confused. 

Phil took Dan’s silence as a cue to explain further ‘’When we were on the plane, I got up to pee and when I got to the door, he almost hit me with it because he was opening it from the inside.’’ ‘’And that’s it? He almost kills you and you already take him as your lover?’’ Dan said jokingly. Phil replied with a grin on his face ‘’No you dork. When I got to my seat I realized that he was on the row next to us and we just started talking’’. 

Dan could see a little bit of glow on Phil’s eyes, something he wasn’t used to experience. He wondered if the same would happen to him when he talked about things that excited him. ‘’So are you going to go on a date with him or something?’’. ‘’Erm... I’m not sure if I’d call it a date, but I told him I’d show him around London. He’s new to the city. ‘’ Phil nodded, but more to himself. ‘’Mate, that’s a full on date.’’ Dan said. ‘’You think so? ‘’ ‘’Totally.’’

Phil thought for a moment. ‘’Well, I’m just going to show him some things to do in London, maybe a few places that might interest him. But I also was wondering about buying him coffee...’’

‘’Phil, get yourself some nice clothes and put some cologne when you go. It’s a freaking date, whether you want to admit it or not.’’   
Phil let himself get excited about the thought of having a date. It had been so long since he went out with someone, even for a one night stand. 

‘’And when are you going to meet him?’’ Phil was pulled out of his daydreaming ‘’Oh, he has to get settled in his new place, so it will probably be in a week or so.’’

‘’Perfect. Then we have time to go shopping.’’ ‘’We?’’ Phil asked, confused at the pronoun. ‘’Do you think I’m going to let you alone with your horrendous and questionable fashion style?’’ ‘’Hey! It’s not that bad!’’ Dan looked deadpan at Phil ‘’Okay, you’re right. I can’t trust my inner fashion assistant.’’


	5. It feels different

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm glad you're enjoying the story
> 
> Just wanted to say that from now on I'm going to try and make the chapters a bit longer. Tell me what you think :)

Phil woke up and already felt like he had run a marathon, ready to hibernate. That was, until he remembered the day planned ahead: go shopping for some new outfits. 

As soon as the thought came, Phil was on his feet, he went to the bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror _God, I need a haircut_ then proceeded to wash his face. He headed to the kitchen, rummaging through the cupboards, as he couldn’t even find a clean mug or bowl. He then realized they hadn’t done the dishes, and the dishwasher was still full of unclean crockery. _what a great start to the morning_ the first thing Phil needed was coffee, after that, he was ready to wash some mugs to drink of and bowls to eat cereal from. When he went to search for his, he realized he’d already finished it, so without hesitation, he went for Dan’s cereal instead. 

Like a sixth sense, as soon as Phil dug in breakfast, Dan entered the kitchen. ‘’Is that what I think it is?’’ Dan was wearing a grey loose T-shirt, the one he always wore around the House, and a pair of black pyjamas. ‘’I can explain’’ ‘It’s okay, I know we barely have food, but you’re buying me hot chocolate or something today’’ ‘’Fair enough’’ Phil answered, grinning as he was reminded of what they’d be doing later.

After finishing breakfast, they decided it’d be better if they sorted out the mess that had been created in the kitchen, mopping, washing and putting the last bowls in the dishwasher. 

As it got rather late when they both finished with the house chores and getting ready, they agreed on spending the day outside and grabbing lunch somewhere. 

The nippy hair hit them like it wasn’t weird for London to be raining all the time. Still, they took the underground and headed over Seven Dials, one of Phil’s favourite places to walk and look into shops.

 

The fist shop Phil wanted to check out was Orcs Nest, they had been there before, looking for some weird game, and that’s when they discovered that the place had most of the weirdest and amazing games. Dan and Phil spent a while there, rummaging through the stands, until something caught Dan’s attention; the ‘’Camel up’’ extension cards. 

It had been a long time since he played that game. Maybe he tonight they could try them; he knew Phil really enjoyed that board game. 

‘’Watcha gonna buy?’’ At some point, Phil went to stand behind Dan. ‘’Shit you scared me’’ ‘’Sorry’’ Phil chuckled. ‘’Do you remember the game PJ got you for Christmas? Well, there’s an extension of it, and it looks fun’’ ‘’I forgot we had that game, do you wanna give it a go tonight after dinner?’’ Phil asked, Dan simply nodded. So they headed to the counter, payed and got back to the street. 

After doing some window-shopping, Dan suggested going into some random store, the clothes displayed outside on the mannequins catching his eye. Phil, as always, looked at the tag on some jeans and gasp ‘’Dan, I’m not buying anything from here, these jeans cost a hundred, a fucking hundred pounds’’ he said in almost a whisper, trying not let anyone hear him but Dan. ‘’Phil, I don’t care what you say. We’re not going to go to Top Man for a chance, I can pay for them.’’ Phil looked at his friend reluctantly ‘’First of all, what’s wrong with Top Man? Second of all, why? ‘’Why what?’’ Dan asked, confused. ‘’Why are you going to be paying?’’ Dan didn’t know how to respond. He didn’t even know why he’d said anything in the first place. 

Phil dismissed Dan with a hand, knowing he wouldn’t answer, and started looking through some shirts.

Dan went on to do the same, but he wasn’t really thinking about his actions. His mind was somewhere else. _Why was he doing all of this? If Phil needed new clothes, he could have helped him buy some online, like they always did. But no. Instead, Dan said to go outside. Outside._ Then the realization hit him. This situation was different. Something they’ve never done before. Help each other out to impress someone else. Dan wanted to be there for Phil, he wanted to be supportive. This was a big step for his friend: not only did he come to terms with his sexuality, he also told Dan about it. And that made him happy. 

After some time looking at different clothes, Phil decided he had enough to choose from and headed to the changing room. Dan was waiting on the other side of the door where Phil was, so he could see each outfit. 

The first one was a simple viridian blue t-shirt and black skinny jeans –exactly the same as the ones he always wore – and a pair of white sneakers. Phil looked at himself in the mirror; he liked the shirt, the shoes, not quite as much. Still, he got out of the cubicle to show Dan.  
‘’Mmm…’’ ‘’What, Dan?’’ Dan kept looking at Phil from head to toe. ‘’I’m not sure. I’m not fond of the colour of the shirt. The shoes are cool, but they don’t suit you’’. ‘’Okay, harsh’’. Phil said, but Dan could tell he wasn’t really offended.

The next outfit was a red button up shirt with white little dots on it. Phil really liked how it looked on him, the collar of the shirt settling just below his adam’s apple, and the short-sleeves revealing the freckles on his arm. He paired it with whitewashed jeans. After checking himself out, feeling confident, he then went to show the outfit to Dan. ‘’I like this one better. It’s formal, but not like you’re trying too hard.’’ ‘’That’s what I thought as well.’’ ‘’Now that I think about it…’’ Dan said. ‘’What?’’ ‘’It’s autumn, you’re going to freeze to death if you wear only that’’ ‘’I can wear a jacket, Dan’’ ‘’Yeah, but… then you won’t be able to show off. Go and try the last outfit.’’ Dan said excitedly, as this one was the one he’d chosen for his friend. 

Phil grunted, throwing his head back and closing his eyes as he made his way back to the cubicle again, getting a bit tired of shopping already. 

When Phil got out, Dan caught his breath. He looked good. Really good. The outfit consisted of a black turtleneck, a denim jacket and a pair of black skinny jeans with little rips on the right thigh. 

‘’Holy shit Phil, you have to wear this.’’ Dan said, still amazed by how good it looked. ‘’I don’t know, this is more like something you’d wear, not me.’’ 

‘’Phil, listen to me. You look really good. And with the quiff, you look like a new version of Thor’’ ‘’Really? A new version of Thor?’’ Dan nodded. ‘’Just except the fact that I’m older, have short black hair, and the strength of a 10 year old.’’ 

Dan laughed at that, Phil grinned and turned so he could look at himself again in the mirror. Though he wasn’t too convinced, he trusted Dan – even when he knew he could make some questionable high fashion choices - .Deep down, he knew Dan had good style.  
‘’Okay. I’m getting it.’’ 

.................................................

For lunch they decided to go to a new vegan place, as Dan still felt the need to comply with his ‘’ vegan agenda’’. Phil ordered a burger with sweet potato fries and Dan an avocado salad.

The food arrived, and because they hadn’t eaten anything besides breakfast hours ago, they were starving, digging in without a second thought.

While munching their food, Dan started thinking. He was having fun helping Phil with clothes, he was excited to see one of the two going out with someone new. He also felt weird. Weird, because it had been months since he last talked to a girl, and even then it hadn’t led to anything else. Of course he’d wondered and thought about meeting someone new as well, trying to be in a relationship, even if it wasn’t a serious one. He tried flirting sometimes, but either he was too bad at it, or the other person didn’t realize what Dan was doing. Still, Dan sometimes felt a bit alone. He also craved affection and the rush that came with the arrival of something, someone new. 

Phil knew Dan was deep in his thoughts, so he tried to pinch his arm. ‘’Ow, Phil what the fuck’’ ‘’Earth calling Dan, where did you go?’’ Phil said, a grin on his face. ‘’I was just thinking’’. Phil contemplated on asking further about it or just leaving it at that.

‘’About what?’’ Dan wasn’t sure if he wanted to say it. He stopped looking at Phil and instead went to play with his food, moving pieces of avocado with his fork. But then he thought how Phil had trusted him. Dan could trust Phil as well.

‘’About how you’re progressing and meeting someone who is outside of the world of the internet, and I’m happy for you. But I’ve realized I also want that.’’

Phil wasn’t expecting that. Did Dan feel alone? He also averted his eyes to his food, not knowing what to say.  
‘’Why don’t you try tinder?’’ Phil finally said. ‘’Are you out of your mind? ‘’ ‘’What? A lot of people use it, and friends of ours have found someone. Dan, it doesn’t have to be the love of your life, but at least you can try it. See if you get to know other people, maybe you’ll just befriend some of them. That’s still fun.’’

‘’Phil, I’m not creating a profile on Tinder.’’ Dan still couldn’t believe Phil had said something like that. _Had he ever tried using dating apps?_ Dan wondered, imagining his best friend doing it, and chatting with strangers. _Maybe it’s not that bad of an idea_ .  
When they both finish lunch – which Phil paid for as a punishment for eating Dan’s cereal they decided they were too sleepy to continue.  
They arrived at their apartment, and as Dan opened the door, Phil reminded him that they still had to buy food and other things for the house. As always, they ordered it online, arriving 3 hours later.

While Dan went to have a shower, Phil sat on the sofa, looking through the channels on the TV, when his phone sounded. It was a message, from Matt.

Phil eagerly opened the chat.

Matt: Hey Phil! I don’t know of you still remember me hahaha

Phil spent 5 minutes thinking what to write back, biting his lip and finally tapping the ‘send’ button. 

Phil: Of course I remember you! How are things going?

Matt: Really good, I finally bought the last bit and pieces I needed for the apartment and I started working this Monday. So I think I’m ready to call myself a proper Londoner. 

Phil chuckled and felt his cheeks getting red.

 

Dan got out of the shower, went to his room to open the drawer where he had all of his pyjamas and put some that were a bit cosier for the cold weather. He made his way to the kitchen, but stopped when he saw Phil on the sofa a grinning more than he had seen him do in a long time. _He’s texting someone. Probably Matt_ Dan thought. He felt a pang of jealousy, but decided to stop thinking about it and get with what he was doing. 

 

Matt: So I was thinking… Would you like to meet sometime? Maybe show me some things to do around here?

Phil was nervous.

Phil: Of course, does Friday afternoon sound good?

Matt: Yeah, perfect :)

And with that, they decided the time and place.

Phil didn’t know what to do with himself. This was all so new to him. A month ago, he was debating on telling Dan, his freaking best friend, about his sexuality, and now he had a date.

Phil found Dan in the kitchen, cleaning the counter. ‘’I have an official date.’’ 

Dan looked at him, a fond smile on his face. ‘’I’m happy for you, I’m sure everything will go fine’’.

Dan really was happy for Phil, but couldn’t deny the fact that he felt a little bit uneasy for him. They’ve never really talked about their dates and all that stuff. 

 

.................................................

At night, when they both went to bed, Dan couldn’t sleep. The thought keeping him wide awake, even though his body was exhausted. Finally, he gave in and grabbed his computer, opened a tab on google and searched _movies lgbt_. He wasn’t ready for ‘explicit movies’ as Phil recommended him, but he wanted to start looking and figuring out himself. He felt like a mess right now.  
With that, he spent the next four hours watching movies until he fell asleep with the player stll going.


	6. Good things, new realizations

Phil’s alarm went off. He was tired as he went to bed at nearly two am, trying to edit a video, but due to his exhaustion he didn’t finish his task. 

He was having a hard time opening his eyes and trying to adjust them to the light entering through his window. _why do I always forget to draw the curtains?_ he thought as he started to push himself up. 

Needless to say, he was feeling anxious about the upcoming events. Tomorrow he’d be meeting with Matt. _was this too early? Am I doing the right thing? Is this even going to be a date? What if he doesn’t even like me? Was this all a misunderstanding?_

As his own insecurities consumed him, he put on pyjamas, opened the door of his bedroom and saw Dan’s door still closed. It’s obvious he was still sleeping; Phil had got up at 9, something they rarely did, only if they had meetings or other work.

Still trying to forget about his day and events to come, he proceeded to enter the kitchen and turn on the kettle. _Coffee. Coffee makes everything better_.

After he finished making his coffee and grabbed a bowl of cereal, he went to the lounged, opened his computer and started editing, where he’d left off last night.

The next time Phil glanced at the clock, he realized he’d been there for nearly two hours. He knew Dan also had some stuff to do, so he decided he would wake him up, either way he’d be complaining all day about how he hadn’t done anything productive and beat himself up. Dan was like that, ‘’living life on the edge’’. 

First, Phil knocked on Dan’s door softly, not wanting to wake him up abruptly. ‘’Dan? Are you awake? ‘’ After receiving no response, Phil pushed open the door and saw Dan snoring softly with his mouth a bit agape, the covers tangled between his legs and his computer almost falling over the edge. Upon seeing the computer, Phil picked it up to put it somewhere else safely. Unintentionally, he put a finger over the keyboard, and the screen lighted up. After putting it on the table, Phil glanced at the screen. He stopped moving. After reading the title of the movie Dan was watching, and the scene that was paused on, Phil recognized the film.

He turned around to his friend, still sound asleep. _Should I tell him about it? No, I don’t think he’d be comfortable, I’ll let him do his thing_.

Phil then went to stand next to Dan, crouched over and placed a hand on his shoulder ‘’Dan, wake up, it’s almost noon’’ Dan only made a complaining noise and turned his back to Phil, resuming his sleep. ‘’Dan come one, you have to finish editing the gaming video and upload it’’ 

‘’Fuck Phil why didn’t you wake me up sooner?’’ Dan quickly got up and went to grab his computer. He still didn’t remember what he was doing last night, but soon realized as he saw his computer, the screen still lighted up. Unsure of what to do or say, Dan slowly gazed over Phil, who was looking at his feet. _so he knows_ Dan thought to himself.

‘’Erm... I couldn’t sleep, so I started overthinking everything and I remember what you told me over lunch and I don’t know I guess curiosity took over me’’ Dan was just rambling at this point.

‘’Dan’’ –called Phil with soft eyes and a small reassuring smile. – ‘’You don’t have to explain yourself, I’ve also been there.’’  
Dan only nodded, looking everywhere but his friend. ‘’At least you chose a good movie’’ Phil added. That comment made Dan look over and smile, feeling more calm and at ease. 

‘’I’ve already finished with my video, so if you want help just tell me’’. ‘’Thank you’’ Dan answered, still a small smile on his face and slight red on his cheeks.

Phil then turned and headed to his room, chuckling at himself for what had just happened.

After finishing doing other work and going over their taxes, Phil allowed himself a break. He was feeling a bit tired again, so he sprawled himself onto his bed and looked at the ceiling. The thoughts came again. _What if someone sees me and posts it on the internet? I know I have been thinking about this day for a long time, but is it too soon? Do I know what I really want? Yes._ Phil responded himself. He’d been longing for this day since he entered his twenties. He wanted someone he could rely on, who’d care for him and love him despite his flaws. He wanted someone he could love and comfort. He craved that affection. 

He was pulled out of his daydreaming with a knock on his door. ‘’Phil what do you want for lunch?’’ Phil though for a moment. ‘’Does soup sound good to you? It’s quite cold today ‘’ ‘’Yeah, sure’’. At that, Phil was left alone once again. _someone like Dan. Someone who I could call my best friend but still show them that bit more affection._ He hoped Matt would be that someone. But he still knew that was a bit unrealistic, because who found their prince at the first try?

 

 

Dan was in the kitchen, preparing all of the ingredients for the soup, but he wasn’t paying much attention to the task at hand, instead, his mind was somewhere else.  
After his movie session last night, he was pretty sure he fancied man as well, the hardness in his pants giving the answer away.  
It had been awhile, but Dan recalled a promotion he did. He made a video about Tinder. Even though he hadn’t voiced it, he actually kept talking to some of the people, but no conversation seemed interesting enough so they eventually came to an end.  
As Dan stirred the soup, he decided he would download the app and see what happens. _I mean, the first time didn’t go that bad, so why not?_.

 

………………………………………………………

 

That night, they both decided to watch a movie on Netflix. They hadn’t spent that much time together during the day and they were looking for some calm time. Both on each side of the sofa, a blanket over them, and a bowl of popcorn on the coffee table.

Midway through the movie, Phil couldn’t keep his worries to himself anymore, so he turned his face to look at Dan. He was watching the movie, brows a bit furrowed, showing his concentration on what was happening with the characters. His face was illuminated by the dull light of their TV, and it made him look exhausted, exalting the bags under his eyes. 

Still unsure, Phil decided to speak. ‘’Dan.’’ ‘’Yeah?’’ He hadn’t turned away to respond. ‘’What if everything goes wrong?’’ Now Phil was looking at his lap, the feeling of fear and anxiousness making his chest feel tight. 

‘’What do you mean?’’ Now Dan did turn and look over his friend, trying to make out his expression in the darkness of the room.  
‘’What if he sees me and realizes that I’m ugly? Or at one point he gets bored of me and realizes I’m not worth it? ‘’First of all, Phil, that’s not going to happen. Second of all, if he thinks you’re boring, then it’s his loss. ‘’ Phil looked up and stared at Dan, he was still scared.  
‘’I don’t know if I can do it. It’s been long since I’ve been on a date. And this is with a man. What if he’s not even into me? What if a read wrong between the lines? What if he thinks I’m just a friendly guy showing him the city?’’

Dan placed a hand on Phil’s shoulder, and tried to soften his features. ‘’Phil, calm down. You’ll look amazing, and I swear on my life that he won’t think you’re boring. You’re one of the most creative and interesting people I know, you always have something to say, and something relevant, even though you may think it’s your awkwardness showing.’’

At the touch and Dan’s words, he started to relax a bit, feeling his tense body rest on the sofa with comfort. Phil gave Dan a small smile, in a response to his kind words. He was lucky to have Dan. Even in his own mess of a mind, he knew how to comfort Phil.  
‘’Just so you know, I’m calling you if he abandons me or doesn’t show up’’ Phil said jokingly. 

‘’I’ll be at your rescue.’’ Dan responded with a chuckle and a last soft look to his friend as he turned to watch the movie. 

 

 

That night, Phil was still nervous about the next day, but knew that no matter what happened, he still had Dan, and a lot of more dates to come (hopefully).

As soon as Dan got into bed, he grabbed his phone from his nightstand. He unlocked it, and after a bit of debating with his own thoughts, he went to the App Store and downloaded Tinder. 

_that’s it. I’m doing it_ He opened the app and entered his email, logging in. He kind of froze when he had to set up his profile. He decided that if he was going to do it, then he’d be serious about it. He uploaded some selfies and photos he thought he looked great (some of them were taken by Phil), and then it was time to write something. He decided to just be simple – he thought that would represent him well enough- ‘’Dan, 27. I spend most of my days either on the internet, listening to music, or regretting life choices. ‘’ Done. 

He started to swipe as soon as he looked at the profiles showed at him. He had the setting set up so he could find ‘’males’’ or ‘’females’’. Mostly he swiped left, meaning that he was ‘’rejecting’’ that person. 

He did swipe right a few times, and even got some matches but he hadn’t talked to anyone still. When the time showed it was two a.m., he decided to go to sleep, hoping he could find someone he could talk to. He wanted someone like Phil, someone he could easily talk, someone who’d care for him and make sure he was alright, but understood if he needed space. He’d been alone for a long time, and he felt like he was in need of affection. Of having that reassuring feeling that someone would be around him no matter what. 

…………………………………………………

As Dan finished his last bite of breakfast, Phil hadn’t even finished his coffee. ‘’Hey’’- Dan said to grab his friend’s attention, who looked lost in thought. – ‘’Everything will go fine, Phil. Try to relax, have a bath or something, later if you want we can play some Mario Kart. Really, you need to calm down.’’ 

‘’That’s easier said than done.’’ Phil replied, still looking down. Dan was taken aback by the harsh tone, but then Phil was closing his eyes, and scrunching his face, regretting what he’d just said. ‘’Sorry, Dan.’’ Phil looked up ‘’I know you’re just trying to help, and I appreciate it, but...’’

Phil got up to place his coffee in the sink, along with other dirty plates. ‘’I want to believe everything will go fine. But I also know I’ll say something weird, or if I tell him what I do for a living … ’’ In almost a whisper, Phil added ‘’ What if I scare him away, Dan?’’.

He looked at Dan, who was already looking back at him. Suddenly, Phil was being embraced, and he allowed himself to relax at the touch. ‘’Phil, as a said yesterday, it’s his loss if he runs away. You deserve better than him, then.’’ Phil closed his eyes and hugged Dan back.

The rest of the morning went by in a blur, and soon enough, Phil was getting dressed for his date. 

Dan gave him a last hug of reassurance, and Phil made his way to their meeting spot. 

It was only three P.M, but the air was already too cold. He was glad to be wearing the denim jacket and the turtleneck, even if he wasn’t too sure of it moments before. 

He saw Matt sat on a bench, phone in hand and looking at his surroundings, when he spotted Phil. He gave him one of the most beautiful smiles Phil had ever seen, and with a slight feeling of nervousness and happiness, he approached him, until they were feet apart.  
‘’Hey there!’’ Matt beamed. 

Phil didn’t know if he had to shake hands, hug him, or greet him a kiss on the cheek. He settled with just returning the greeting with a smile. ‘’Hey’’

‘’So… where do you want to take me first?’’ Phil put a finger on his chin and looked up, as if he was really thinking about it. As if he hadn’t planned it out three days ago. ‘’What about the most British thing, the Big Ben? And then we can just walk around or take the train.’’ ‘’Sounds good to me’’ Matt replied, still smiling while looking at Phil.

They made their way to the centre of London. Their conversation flowed with an ease that Phil hadn’t seen with almost anyone. It turned out that Matt also enjoyed staying at home, playing games with friends over going out to a club – although he did enjoy going to a pub from time to time -. 

When a comfortable silence fell over them, Phil asked something that had been bugging him a bit: ‘’Can I ask you something? Tell me if you don’t want to or you’re not comfortable’’ Matt chuckled ‘’you can ask me anything, Phil’’

Phil looked down, a bit embarrassed, he knew he was blushing, but kept talking ‘’I was wondering about your past relationships… ‘’

‘’oh’ ’Matt looked like he wasn’t expecting that ‘’Well… I’ve had girlfriends in the past, but it was never something serious. My last relationship with a man ended months ago.’’ 

When Phil looked at him, he couldn’t miss the sadness in Matt’s eyes. ‘’What happened? I mean onlyIfyou want t-to talkaboutit, of course’’ He rushed to add.

Matt smiled and looked at him ‘’It’s alright, really.’’ He looked lost in thought for a moment, as if he was remembering past events. ‘’It had to end because my parents found out.’’ He took another long pause, but Phil didn’t want to intercept him. ‘’We were at the store, and we were holding hands, when I bumped into my parents. They saw our hands and made a face of disgust and horror… I don’t think I’m ever going to forget.

‘’Matt, I’m so sorry…’’Phil was at a loss of words. ‘’After a lot of arguing, they made themselves clear: if I was going to keep this ‘lifestyle’ they would not consider me their son’’. 

He tried to compose himself ‘’ my boyfriend at the time didn’t want to be open about his sexuality, and he was scared my parents would spread the word or something, so he broke up with me. ‘’

Matt didn’t look at Phil while talking ‘’I was so tired, I decided I’d restart my life, somewhere where I could be myself and not be judged, and my town wouldn’t give me that. And because I already had some kind of ‘connection’ to England I said ‘’fuck it’’, looked for a job and moved over here’’. When Phil looked over at him, he saw that now Matt was smiling, he felt his heart warming up. 

‘’I’m happy for you, Matt. It’s really brave of you to have done that’’. 

As they kept walking and talking about Matt’s new job –who was an interior designer – Phil couldn’t let go unnoticed every time his hands brushed with Matt’s. 

Phil was blushing a lot, he didn’t know if his date had noticed or not, and if he had, he was glad he hadn’t pointed it out.

In another brush of hands, Phil noticed how Matt curled his little finger over his. They walked a bit more without saying anything about it, until Phil couldn’t contain himself anymore; craving the warmth he was feeling from Matt. He decided to hold his hand. 

At that move, Matt stopped talking, looked at Phil with a shy smile on his face and squeezed his hand to show reassurance ‘’Do you want to go to a café? It’s getting a bit dark and I’m so cold I almost can’t feel my face.’’ Phil giggled at that ‘’Of course, I know a good place, they serve the best coffee EVER’’. Now it was Matt’s time to laugh.

 

It was a small café, but Phil liked it because he could always come without being recognized. It was more on the outskirts of London, and yeah, they had to take the underground, but it was worth it. 

It was really cosy. The walls covered with planks of wood and potted plants, hanging from the ceilings. The whole place was lighted by lamps on little stands and fairy lights on the wall. 

‘’What do you want to get?’’ Phil asked ‘’whatever you order.’’ ‘’Then you’re probably gonna end up with diabetes.’’ Phil responded while going to the counter.

Matt giggled and went to find a free table. 

Minutes later, Phil came with a little cover tray, holding two coffee macchiato and two chocolate and strawberry pastries. 

‘’You weren’t kidding when you said I’d end up with diabetes’’ Matt chuckled. ‘What can I say, I like my men how I like my pastries, sweet’’ Just as he finished talking, he realized what he’d said, and made a face of horror. ‘’Wait, no, I said that wrong’’. At that point Matt was laughing so hard he had his head thrown back and tears prickling his eyes. ‘’I know what you mean, Phil’’ Matt finally said, after calming himself down. Phil was still red and looking down at his lap, trying to hide from his own embarrassment.

‘’I like my men sweet too, and I think I’d like to be with them, even if they give me diabetes’’ Phil looked up at him, a shy smile on his face. He bit his lip, not knowing how to reply to that.

Before they knew it, it was already eight o clock. They got out of the café but didn’t head any other way. Instead, they stopped at the door of the place, both facing the other, but neither looking at their face. 

Matt was the first to speak up ‘’I had a really good time with you, Phil.’’ 

Phil looked up, unable to hide his smile. He didn’t this day to come to an end. ‘’Me too. I hope we can meet up soon, you know, to feed you more sugar.’’ Mat chuckled at Phil’s comment and responded ‘’I can’t wait’’.

They were in the middle of the street, neither of them doing anything other than smiling. Phil noticed how Matt was flickering his gaze from his eyes to his lips. And before Phil could process anything else, still too caught up in the direction of Matt’s eyes, he felt a hand on his cheek, the tip of his date’s fingers brushing his hair. He leant in, but still looking unsure of himself, until Phil decided to close the gap between them.

Phil noticed how plump and soft his lips were. The kiss lasted a few seconds, but it never deepened. Matt pulled back, still with his eyes closed, he smiled. 

…………………………………………………

 

Dan was on his phone when he heard the door unlock. He didn’t get up from the sofa, instead, he waited until Phil entered the room.  
When he did, he directly let himself fall next to Dan, a smile plastered on his face.  
‘’So? From that face, can I assume it went fine?’’ Dan was waiting for Phil to speak.

Phil turned his face to look at Dan ‘’It went really great, I think we really clicked.’’ Dan nodded in response, but smiled at his friend, glad to see him relaxed and happy for the first time in a week. ‘’And… Dan?’’ ‘’Yep?’’ ‘’He kissed me. He fucking kissed me’’ Dan opened his eyes in surprise, not expecting that ‘’Are you kidding me?’’ Phil turned his head from side to side as in ‘no’ ‘’Man, and on your first date. Looks like you’re already on sixth base, careful for the next one’’ Dan winked, and Phil threw a pillow at him ‘’Shut up’’. Phil fell happy and excited for the days to come.

 

Dan was happy for his friend. But he also couldn’t deny the weird feeling of his chest. He couldn’t deny that side of him, that voice that repeated those questions on a loop while he was trying to sleep at night _will I ever find someone? Am I good enough to be in a relationship?_ Negative thoughts putting him to sleep.


	7. Things can get compliacted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm really happy to see that you're enjoying the fic
> 
> Please tell me if you want longer chapters or you're okay with sorter ones:)

Dan woke up with a headache. The pounding in his head making him close his eyes as soon as he opened them. The curtains were drawn, but the little light that passes through them were enough to make Dan want to curl inside his covers.

Eventually, he decided that he had to get up, today was a busy day, and he had procrastinated enough, so he couldn’t pass another day doing nothing. He slowly went to open his drawer, and put on a comfy T-shirt, made his way to the bathroom and decided that a shower would do him good.

Phil had been talking with Matt on the phone until early hours in the morning, so he would be having a lie in.

 

While Dan was having his sad breakfast, a tea and a piece of toast with nothing on it, he noticed the dull light in the kitchen, how everything usually was reflected by the sunlight looked white ad gave him a sense of peace and comfort, now, on a cloudy day, the room seemed colourless, lifeless. 

Staring at his now empty cup of tea, Dan started thinking about his life. He had spent a lot of time trying to be liked by other people, and while most of them treated him well, he still felt like he’d done something wrong. Yes, he was trying to ‘live his truth’, but, was he really?  
The thoughts kept making him spiral down until he felt a hot tear running down his cheecks. _I really have to get my shit together_ . He stood up, placed the mug and the plate in the dishwasher and took a paracetamol for his headache. 

When he walked into his room and saw all the mess, he decided that in order to get his life a sorted out, he needed to organize his room. With that, he put on his headphones and started cleaning. 

After what seemed like hours, he finished. The pile of laundry he’d have to do after collecting endless shirts and socks from the floor, were worth the feeling of having accomplished something. With a smile, Dan proceeded to wash his clothes and then get dressed for the day.  
He had a few errands to run, one of them having to go to a meeting. 

………………………………………..

He blinked a few times, giving his eyes a moment to adjust to the light. After finally feeling like he was awake enough, Phil pushed himself up, and rested on his elbows before he got on his feet. 

After remembering the events of last night, a smile crept on his face. The conversation between him and Matt had flowed so easily. They talked about their childhood, dreams, fears, and where they wanted their relationship to be. Even though it was two a. m Phil had been fully awake. Talking to Matt felt so natural, like they just clicked. Phil told him how his past relationships hadn’t gone too well, and how that was his first time with a man, which the other assured him that that was okay, how Phil shouldn’t be nervous about it and that he could trust him. 

That’s exactly what Phil wanted, someone who he could trust and fully accept him, with his quirks and perks. 

 

His stomach growled, Phil looked at the time on his phone and it showed 12:30 _okay that makes sense_. He got out of his room and instantly noticed how Dan’s bedroom was perfectly organized. It was also empty. 

A strange feeling flowed through Phil’s body. ‘’Dan?’’ He called out loud. 

Nothing. He was starting to feel a bit anxious. _where was Dan? Has he gone away? But why?_ After a bit of panicked thoughts, he remembered Dan had told him that today he had a few things to do and meetings to go. He felt himself relax. 

But why had his mind instantly gone to having been abandoned? Dan wouldn’t do that to him, would he? With those thoughts, Phil decided to text Dan. It wasn’t necessary, but he felt the need to.

Phil: Morning u meme

Phil wasn’t expecting a response; he just wanted to text him.

Phil: buy milk while you’re out, I think there’s just enough for one more breakfast

 

It was only half past twelve, so he didn’t want to eat lunch, not without Dan. He’d wait for him.

So he just grabbed a snack, some bar they had kept in a cupboard. It wasn’t the best bar Phil had ever tasted, but it’d keep him satisfied until his next meal.

He went to his room, made his bed and instantly sat on it, grabbed his laptop and got to work. Having been ignoring his e-mails for the past days, they now had piled up to around a hundred. 

Around mid-way through, Phil couldn’t concentrate anymore. The worry occupying his mind and thoughts. _what would happen if Dan really went away? What if he’s really fed up with me and doesn’t want to live here anymore? Does he secretly hate me? We haven’t talked too much for the past days… am I ignoring him?_ Now he felt bad. 

He closed his laptop and went to the kitchen again. He’d make lunch for them both. A vegetable stir fried with rice, one of Dan’s favourites. 

 

Just as he finished, he got a text, it was from Dan. 

Dan: good morning to u too, u sloth

Dan: btw I’m not coming for lunch I got caught up with something

Phil felt a pang of disappointment and glanced at the food he’d made, he certainly would have leftovers. He’d just put them in the fridge.  
Still, he tried to play it nice. 

Phil: ok that’s alright

 

As he sat to eat, Phil heard a new notification on his phone. It was Matt, and Phil instantly smiled. He wanted to meet up again. At that point, Phil had completely abandoned his plate, his attention fully on Matt. 

Matt: I was wondering because today it’s so cold… if you wanted to come around to my place?

 _Well that was unexpected_ Phil thought, still, he agreed.

………………………………………………….

 

Dan was at the meeting, his headache still present, but not as much. 

Thirty minutes in, and he was already bored. Though the meeting was important, it didn’t really affect him, it was only about some changes on the platform that would or would not affect some creators. 

Trying not to get called on, he slipped his phone out of his pocket and opened Tumblr, a good distraction that was. While looking at a post, he couldn’t help but giggle a little, putting the back of his hand over his mouth trying to muffle any sound he could make. It didn’t work, he felt a finger being poked in his ribs. Startled, he looked at his right: it was one of the assistant directors from the department. His first reaction was to freak out, opening his mouth to apologize, no words coming out, but a smile from the woman made him relax. With a shy smile on his lips, looked at his lap. He felt bad, like a kid being caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

After what seemed like an eternity, the meeting came to an end, and Dan couldn’t wait to get out of there. He waited until everyone got up and left, so he could make his way as well, but as soon as he got through the door, he saw the woman that had sat next to him.

‘’I’ll give you an advice: next time you use your phone, try not to look at memes on Tumblr’’ She said, giving him a soft smile.  
Once again, Dan found himself at a loss for words ‘’I- I am truly sorry’’ ‘’No need to apologize, really. I was doing the same thing’’ ‘’Oh’’ Dan laughed.

‘’I’m Haley, by the way’’ She said, now shaking Dan’s hand ‘’I’m Dan’’ he responded.

‘’Sorry If a scared you, but it was better that I caught you, and not the director, he’d but you on ‘the black list’’ She said jokingly. Dan only nodded, still feeling a bit embarrassed.

‘’I was wondering, do you want to grab lunch? I think some other co-workers are coming as well. ‘’

Without giving it a second thought, Dan agreed ‘’Sure’’.

 

As they made their way to their lunch place, he remembered to inform Phil that he wouldn’t be coming home until late.

The place was nice, really quite, as well. It was modern, with a white and grey colour scheme going on, Dan felt comfortable. Even though the table was full of people, all of them he recognized from the meeting, he’d ended up only talking to Haley. He discovered that she started working here only a few months ago, but was in that position because she got transferred from Ireland. 

Dan found himself smiling at all the stories Haley was telling. He found out she was really expressive, moving her hands all the time as if that you’d help Dan to understand more the stories and anecdotes. _How cute_ . When they finished and paid the bill, Dan got the feeling of wanting more, he still felt the need of being listened to – something Haley was good at – and the hurt on his face from giggling and smiling too much.

‘’Haley… I-I was wondering if you wanted to maybe grab a coffee or something? It’s okay if you can’t because you’re busy, I imagine you have a lot of things to do… Or-or if you just don’t want to, that’s okay too. I get it’’ Dan rushed to say. He internally slapped himself, cursing his own awkwardness and inability to form coherent sentences while being nervous. Why is he even nervous about?

‘’Sure, I’d love that’’ She assured him with a soft look in her eyes. 

They went to a small café. Haley told Dan how she liked to sit in there when she felt stressed. They talked about everything and anything, and before they noticed, it was already dark outside. 

‘’I really enjoyed talking to you, Dan’’ ‘’ Me too’’ He could suppress his smile ‘’Can I have your number? If you want we can hang out again’’ They exchanged numbers, and for the first time in a while, Dan felt hope and the sense of change, but change into better things.

 

When he arrived home and unlocked the door, he notices how dark everything was. He knew Phil didn’t have the need to light every room in case there were any demons or someone got it, but for Dan’s like, the house was too quiet. 

‘’Phil? Are you here?’’ As he closed the door behind him, he flickered the lights on as he passed the corridor and went into every room. No one was there. 

He was a bit surprised by the emptiness of the house, usually Phil said something to him if he were to go out, even if it rarely happened. He pulled out his phone and decided to ring Phil, but the call was unsuccessful. 

He threw himself on the sofa, the feeling of exhaustion finally flowing over him. It had turned out to be a great day after all, he thought about all of the events that had happened. Before he knew it, a smile was plastered on his face.  
…………………………………………………….

 

As soon as he agreed, Phil pulled out one of his favourite shirts from the drawer, a pair of black jeans and his Vans. 

He was feeling a bit nervous. Who was he trying to fool? He was so anxious he started sweating. He tried to clean himself up a bit, brushed his hair in a quiff and decided to put some cologne. _Is this too much_ He was staring at himself in the mirror, taking in his image once again. He’d changed: not only his hair, but he’d started noticing the lines that had formed on the corner of his eyes. He also knew that he looked more mature, but he liked it. He was more confident, something he didn’t feel he’d ever be. 

He put on a black jacket that Dan had gifted him not long ago, grabbed his keys and wallet, and headed to Matt’s.

After looking at the address, he realized that maybe it was a bit far to go by foot. The train was packed, the commuters going home, the tourists on their way to some attraction, and the younger ones looking forward to being outside of school and with their friends.

 

He found himself standing in front of Matt’s apartment door. It was fully white with a gold handle. Phil closed his eyes, drew in a slow breath and finally decided to knock on the door.

Seconds later, Matt greeted Phil with a warm welcome, giving him a ventured hug and inviting him inside. Phil notices how big the apartment was: it had high ceilings, every wall was white with little decoration, the sofas were grey with white pillows on them. It was a loft, so the kitchen was connected to the dining area and where he was standing. Everything looked so modern and out of a _decor_ magazine. He thought how different it was from his home. This house didn’t feel like someone was living in it. 

‘’Do you want tea or coffee? ‘’ Matt asked, pulling him out of his thoughts. 

Phil looked at him as he went on to make the drinks, and realized how good he looked. He was wearing some grey joggers and a black shirt. He was also barefoot. His hair looked a bit messy, but Phil found that he liked that a lot more than the slicked hairstyle he usually wore.

‘’Oh! Erm… coffee, please.’’ He realized he hadn’t even answered him. 

Matt seemed to have caught him staring. With a smirk on his face, he looked up from the mugs he had grabbed and stared at Phil. ‘’What, do I look that good?’’ 

Phil felt himself blush like he’d never done before and try to avert his eyes from him, but ended looking back at Matt. ‘’I just – Yeah. Those clothes look good on you’’. He decided to say, he had already been caught staring so why did it matter if he was bold about it.

Still smirking and giving him his coffee, purposely touching Phil’s hand while doing so, Matt responded ‘’Well, I only wear them to lounge around the house, but after seeing how they make you feel I might be wearing them more after’’. 

Before any other thought crossed his mind, Phil took a big sip of his coffee. ‘’I wouldn’t mind that’’ He was trying so hard to playing it cool, like he wasn’t flustered at all.

‘’As we are talking about clothes… I also wouldn’t mind to seeing you in something else, Lester’’ 

Phil looked at Matt in the eyes, he recognized that look. He’d seen it before, it was lust.

Matt took their mugs and placed them over a small table that was next to them, he turned around to look at Phil, grabbed the collar of his jacket and pulled him closer.

This kiss was different from their last one. Phil noticed how eager Matt was, kissing him passionately, and moving his hand from his jacket to his hair. Phil, first caught by surprised, started to reciprocate and moved his arms to the back of Matt’s neck. 

Suddenly, Matt pushed him to the wall, and started kissing Phil’s neck. He closed his eyes, enjoying the sensation, but as he noticed how Matt was now grinding into him, he started freaking out. 

He opened his eyes and tried to breath ‘’Matt Matt Matt’’ Matt pulled away, a look of worry on his face ‘’what? Phil are you okay?’’ He hadn’t realized, but there were tears falling from Phil’s eyes. ‘’I- I’m sorry Phil, maybe I shouldn’t have done that’’

Phil was still a bit paralysed. ‘’I don’t know what happened, I just started feeling like I couldn’t breathe, I’m sorry’’ He looked at his shoes as he kept talking. ‘’Matt, I like you. Like, _really_ like you. But this is all new to me and… maybe I’ll need to take things slow’’ He felt bad. Matt placed his hand carefully under Phil’s chin and made him look up at him ‘’Phil, it’s okay. I also like you, and I don’t mind waiting until you’re ready’’ Matt rubbed a tear away with his thumb, and Phil leaned into the touch, closing his eyes once again. ‘’Thank you’’ . They hugged, and decided to just settle on the sofa and watch a movie.

Somehow, they ended up cuddling, Phil curling into Matt’s arms, and both falling into a peaceful sleep.

 

When Phil opened his eyes, he didn’t know where he was until he felt someone’s heartbeat. He glanced up, and saw Matt still sound asleep.  
He smiled fondly at the man next to him, and carefully tried to pull him out of his sleep. ‘’Hey Matt’’ He placed a soft kiss on his chin, the only place he had access to in that position. ‘’Matt, it’s gotten dark, I have to go home’’ He was only answered with a groan and Matt’s arms pulling him closer. 

Eventually, he opened his eyes, looked at Phil and gave him a soft kiss. 

 

‘’Text me when you get home’’ ‘’I will’’ Phil said smiling. They kissed again and Phil headed home.  
…………………………………………………………

 

When he opened the door, he was received by Dan rushing to him, looking a bit distressed.

‘’Phil were where you? It’s almost nine and you haven’t answered any of my calls or messages, I thought something happened to you!’’  
Phil looked at his phone. He hadn’t noticed before, he had 5 missed calls and 7 texts from Dan. He looked at him ‘’Sorry, I was with Matt. Guess tie flew by’’

Dan nodded as a response ‘’ I ordered some Chinese, hope that’s okay with you’’ Without waiting for a response, Dan disappeared from the hallway.

 _okay, that was weird_ He understood that Dan could have been worried something had happened, they usually texted each other, but they were adults. It’s okay if they didn’t say what they were doing 24/7.

 

They ate dinner in silence, watching the last episode of some anime they had got into. 

‘’I’m sorry if I worried you, Dan. But I don’t think it’s a big deal if I don’t inform you of what I’m doing. ‘’ Phil broke the uncomfortable silence. At least _he_ was uncomfortable.

Dan looked at him, then back at the TV ‘’I was just worried, you usually don’t come home this late’’ 

‘’What did you do today?’’ Phil tried to ease the tension. ‘’It was okay, went to the meeting and then grabbed lunch with the people from there. ‘’Oh’’ Was all Phil said. He found it weird since Dan rarely hung around those people more than it was necessary.

‘’I’m going to bed, I’m kinda tired.’’ 

With that, Dan got up, cleaned his stuff from dinner and retreated to his room.

 

Phil had just finished his dinner, and was now looking at his empty plate _Have I done something wrong? Maybe I should have told Dan that I wouldn’t be home when he came. But is it that big of a deal?_ Once again, Phil lost himself in a wave of anxious thoughts. On one hand, he was more than happy with his new relationship –if he could call that, the thing he and Matt had going on - , but on the other, he was scared he was distancing himself away from Dan. 

He decided that he needed to sleep. He cleaned a bit the lounge and the kitchen and went to bed. He tried to sleep, but the next time he looked at the time on his phone, it was 2 am.


	8. Home

(03:49) Dan: _im sorry i talked to you like that tonight, but you know how i worry over everything_

(03:49) Dan: _much more if its about you_

(03:50) Dan: _so yeah, im sorry_

.................................................. 

There weren’t many times when Phil woke up to texts like those. 

After getting dressed, he went to the kitchen only to find Dan already having breakfast. 

‘’Hey’’ Dan greeted him, looking up for a moment and returning his attention to his phone. 

‘’Hey’’ Phil responded more quietly. He found the whole situation a bit weird and unsettling. He played with his hands nervously as he eyed what they had in the cupboards. He wasn’t really hungry, but still opted for having his much needed coffee and dry cereal. Dan forgot to buy milk yesterday. 

They sat in silence, so different from Phil’s mind: full of unanswered questions. While putting –the rather disgusting – cereal in his mouth, slowly, as if he didn’t want the time to pass, his eyes averted to Dan, who seemed to be fully involved in whatever he was looking at his phone. 

Phil couldn’t stand it anymore ‘’What happened yesterday?’’ Dan looked up at him, facial expression showing confusion, but Phil wasn’t buying it. ‘’Dan, you acted a bit like an asshole yesterday’’ 

For some reason, those words hurt Dan more than they should have. ‘’I’ve already told you. I was worried. My mind went to the worst case scenarios.’’ Knowing that this conversation wouldn’t go far, Phil just nodded and got back to finishing his breakfast. He gave Dan a last glance before exiting the kitchen, he was still looking at his phone. 

……………………………………………………….. 

Dan also woke up to some unexpected texts. 

(10:02) Haley: _good morning, Dan_

(10:02) Haley: _I was just wondering if we could meet up again?_

Upon seeing them, a small smile appeared on Dan’s face, something unusual when he first woke up. 

(10:12) Dan: _hey!_

(10:12) Dan: _sure no problem, when did you want to meet?_

He waited for a response while lounging in his bed, but upon not receiving one right away, he decided to just get up and prepare for the day – not that he had much to do anyway-. 

As he got out of his room, he noticed Phil’s door was closed. He rarely closed his door. 

Just as he took a seat on one of the chairs in the kitchen, he received another text. 

(10:32) Haley: _I don’t have a lot going on for today, so maybe we could grab lunch again_

Dan was already smiling, yet once again. 

(10:32) Dan: _I also don’t have much to do today, so that sounds perfect:)_  
Was it a good idea that smiley face? _oh well, too late now_

For some unknown reason, Dan’s smile deflated as soon as Phil entered the room. He wasn’t mad at him, so he wasn’t sure why he had that reaction, but he knew something had affected him. 

(10:34) Haley: _great, how does the last place we went to sound?_

(10:34) Dan: _really good, see you at 1PM?_

(10:35) Haley: _yes. See you, Dan_

……………………………………

After finishing his breakfast, Dan decided to just clean up the whole kitchen, might as well if he was going to clean the mountain of plates in the sink. 

After half an hour, he headed to the bathroom. 

The water fell on his shoulders, the pressure just enough to give him a good sensation. With both hands, he pushed his hair back, letting the weight of his head dead, falling backwards and closing his eyes. 

The sense of calmness didn’t last too long. Dan started thinking about the way he had confronted Phil. Yes, he had apologized, but that was in the early hours of the morning when he felt like another person, when his thoughts consumed him and he felt small compared to the rest of the world. In those moments where he felt meaningless. 

He still couldn’t put a finger on it. Why did he act different the moment Phil had appeared? He wanted to think that it was Phil’s fault, for being so reckless and conceited. He knew that was far from the truth. 

He finally opened the bottle of gel, and started washing himself. As he saw the foam starting to form, so did some new thoughts. _Phil doesn’t have anything to do with it. It’s me. I was mad because for once I wasn’t in his plans. It’s one of those few times that Phil didn’t count on me for doing things_. 

After he stepped out of the shower and dried himself, he stood in front of the mirror. He looked tired, dark bags under his eyes reviling restless nights full of worry. 

With a sigh, he put on clothes and got out of the bathroom and as soon as he stepped outside, he bumped into Phil. ‘’Oh, sorry’’ And proceeded to just go back to his room, but stopped in his tracks. ‘’Phil?’’ Phil turned to look at Dan ‘’Yeah?’’ 

Dan stopped looking at Phil, averting his eyes to the floor, he didn’t even know for sure what he wanted to say or why he needed to say it ‘’I-em… I’m going out for lunch again, so… Yeah’’ 

Now it was Phil’s turn to turn his gaze and instead look at the wall in front of him, as if It was the most interesting thing in the world. ‘’Alright, I’ll just order something then’’ Still not looking at Dan he turned away and entered his room. 

Dan stood there for a moment. _what the fuck am I doing?_

Eventually, one o’clock turned around, and Dan was waiting outside the restaurant. Minutes later, Haley appeared. She was wearing a tight black dress –which seemed to be made out of wool, or some other similar material – black tights and low heel boots. When he looked at her face from more up close, he noticed the light make up, all natural tones. He also realized that her hair was put in a messy bun, strings of hair falling in front of and sides of her face. 

'’Hey! Sorry, have you been waiting for long? ‘’ ‘’Oh! No, no, I myself just got here’’ Dan smiled and gestured for her to enter the restaurant, pulling the door open and entering after her. 

They sat on a table near the back, next to the radiator. Dan wouldn’t be too happy when his face would start feeling hot and that red spot on his right cheek would appear. 

‘’So’’ Haley said ‘’Have you made the changes that were talked in the meeting?’’ Dan was surprised at the question, he hadn’t expected to be talking about work, but well, maybe it was her way of breaking the ice. 

‘’I-well. I’ve tried. I started yesterday, but I still have yet to receive the documents via email my manager said she’d send. So I guess I can’t do much more, for now.’’ Haley nodded and took the first sip from the beer she’d ordered. Dan didn’t want to drink, in case he’d end up more light headed than he’d want, so he settled for a sprinkling water. As surprising as it may sound, he could get easily drunk. 

The conversation flowed once again, they were talking about music now, and as it was one of Dan’s interests, he found himself talking with passion. After all that talking, he finally agreed to drink. They ordered a bottle of wine, and just as their dessert arrived, they had already finished the bottle. Bad idea –at least for Dan – ‘’If you want, you could come to my place and show you how to play the piano’’ He smirked more than he wanted to. He had wanted to make it sound like a friendly offer, but the alcohol decided that it was more of a failed attempt at flirting. 

Haley had her eyes wide open, obviously not expecting that. Suddenly, her phone rang, and upon looking at the ID caller, she visibly relaxed. Haley looked at Dan in a soft way ‘’Sorry, my boyfriend’s calling. I’ve got to get this’’. She stood up and went outside to talk. Dan flinched over the word _boyfriend_. He’d gotten all of this wrong. How could he have ever imagined that he was going on a date? How did he dare to think that someone was interested in him? 

When Haley came back, Dan was so flustered and embarrassed, he couldn’t look at her. ‘’I’ve already paid the bill. I- erm… Phil called  >– something about the house… broken…yeah’’ Still trying to avoid her eyes, he waved goodbye and got out as fast as he could without looking like a fool. Though he couldn’t avoid looking awkward, he was a -over - 6 ft tall man walking fast in a small and rather crowded restaurant. 

When he arrived home, the only thing he wanted to do was crawl into a ball and sleep. Sleep and try to forget everything that had just happened. Before he did so, though, he decided to grab his laptop in case he wanted to browse the internet for hours on end – also a good way to avoid and forget about the real world - . 

This is not something he was expecting when he entered the living room ‘’Shit, I’m sorry. I-I didn’t know you had company’’. Dan found Phil curled up next to Matt on the sofa, the TV on. But they weren’t watching it. No. Phil was kissing Matt, a hand caressing carefully Phil’s thigh. 

Dan couldn’t stop looking at that hand. Anger boiled through him.

'’Sorry, Dan. I didn’t know you’d be home so early’’. Phil started apologizing, distancing himself from Matt and standing up. But Dan wasn’t having it. The word ‘home’ already sounding foreign. 

Home was he and Phil. Alone. Where they could be each other. Comfortable. Where they both knew their place and everything was known and under control. 

Dan didn’t feel like he had any control. He felt like he was losing it. Losing everything. Losing the longing desire to meet someone, losing the sense of home. Losing Phil. 

Phil had a lifted an arm as if to reach Dan, but Dan only turned his head and started walking to his room ‘’Forget about it, Phil. I’ll be in my room, I don’t want to disturb you’’. 

_but you never do_ Phil thought. 

As soon as he was inside of his room, he closed the door with his foot, and pressed his back against it. He felt tears swelling up in his eyes. He couldn’t care any less, so he let them fall. He was too tired to make himself believe that everything was okay. 

Feeling like suddenly his legs weighted more than normal, and as if he was about to fall on his knees right there, he threw himself on the bed. Face on the pillow, he let out a sob. ………………………………………….. 

Phil didn’t know what to do. Dan had already disappeared and retreated to his room before he could react. 

He turned around to look at Matt, but his face wasn’t any help. ‘’Who was he?’’ ‘’It –It’s my friend’’ He wasn’t sure, but he didn’t know what to call Dan. His flatmate? Certainly not. His friend? Phil knew it was more than that. But he couldn’t say best friend. He was confused as to why he’d feel bad saying those words to Matt. 

Slowly, he slouched down on the sofa, but made no movement cuddle Matt again, like they had been doing for the past three hours. He stared at the floor, completely ignoring his surroundings. 

He’d clearly hurt Dan. He needed to talk to him. Phil knew that he was closing on Dan since he started going out more with Matt. He wasn’t explaining his days when night turned around and they were both having dinner together, or planning a day out, or going to the cinema. Even though it hadn’t even been two weeks, he felt like everything was so different from what it was supposed to be. 

‘’Matt, I think it’d be better if you leave’’ Phil finally said, still not looking at him’’ 

‘’Did something happen? ‘’ Phil didn’t respond. ‘’I just don’t get what’s happening, Phil’’ 

Now, Phil turned his body to face him, and with pleading eyes added ‘’I’ll talk to you tomorrow, really. But now I need to go.’’ After some time of them looking at each other in the eyes, no one saying anything but questions showing in Matt’s eyes, he stood up and left the flat. 

Phil let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He put his head on his hands, elbows resting on his knees. _what the fuck is happening. What am I doing?_ He cursed himself for having invited Matt over. Since when did they bring people around like this? 

Dan opened his eyes a bit startled, he didn’t know he had fallen asleep. Confused, he tried to comprehend what had woken him up. He looked up from his pillow, still presses on his face. The light from the corridor was entering. On the door frame, the figure of Phil. 

‘’Dan’’ Phil said in almost a whisper, scared to be too loud. 

No response. 

‘’I’m sorry.’’ He said, slowly approaching Dan’s bed. 

‘’You have nothing to apologize for’’. 

‘’You’re sleeping and it’s only four in the afternoon’’ Phil was looking at Dan, careful his expression would give away how scared he was feeling. 

‘’And… you’ve been crying. Your eyes are red and there are tear stains on your pillow’’ 

_Fuck_ Dan looked down and realized it was true, the saltiness of his tears remaining on his pillows. 

‘’Look Phil, you’re entitled to be with whoever you want to be. I just wasn’t expecting anyone home. Much less you kissing someone in the living room ‘’ 

‘’That’s why I wanted to apologize ‘’ _and for so much more, I fucked everything up_ Phil thought, but didn’t dare to share. 

Dan held his gaze for a moment, but felt too vulnerable, so he stopped looking at Phil. 

Phil swallows. ‘’Look, Dan. I want to be with Matt. ‘’ 

Dan felt like he was going to cry again, but he bit his lip and tried his fucking best not to shed a single tear as Phil kept talking. 

‘’But I don’t want to hurt you, or-or make you uncomfortable’’ Phil looked at his lap ‘’I don’t really know what’s upsetting you, you’ve been kinda weird lately and I don’t blame you for anything. But I know for sure that I fucked up. I won’t invite Matt over anymore. 

Dan finally felt like he could look at Phil without breaking down. ‘’It’s not your fault, Phil. I just had a shit day and… coming home to that… It was just too much.’’ ‘’Sorry, Dan ‘’ . ''Its fine’’ 

‘’How did lunch go?’’ Phil tried to lighten up the mood by changing the subject. Little did he know. 

Of course Dan hadn’t told Phil anything, he didn’t know why he’d gone out or with whom. ‘’I thought I was on a date. Turns out it was half work meeting, half ‘friends’ meeting up’’ 

Phil looked at Dan with wide eyes. He wasn’t expecting that, the word that caught his attention being ‘date’. 

‘’What?’’ He said, barely a whisper. 

Dan started playing with the hem of his shirt, trying to avoid his friend’s gaze. 

‘’The other day during the meeting. I met someone. It’s when I first went out for lunch, although everyone from the meeting was there, Haley and I only talked to each other’’ 

‘’Haley?’’ ‘’The assistant manager’’ ‘’Oh’’ It was all Phil could say. He looked at Dan, encouraging him to continue. 

‘’We’ve been texting. We weren’t talking about anything important, but it was nice. So when she asked me to go out for lunch again, I thought…I don’t know. Turns out I’d misunderstood everything. Her boyfriend called her after I smirked at her’’ 

Dan covered his face on with his hands, embarrassed and cringing at the memory. He instantly looked up when he heard Phil giggle. 

‘’What’s funny?’’ Dan asked in a more serious tone, not in the mood for jokes or people mocking him. 

‘’I just remembered’’ Phil tried to talk between giggles ‘’ Something similar happened to me’’ 

‘’What?’’ _that was unexpected_ ‘’Yeah, one day I was talking to the cashier in M &S, and I thought she was giving me eyes, so I asked her if she wanted to grab a coffee after her shift was over. Dan, she looked at me with the most terrifying gaze I’d ever seen, and told me to ‘fuck off’ and that she had a boyfriend’’ 

A chuckle escaped Dan’s lips. ‘’Okay, that’s more embarrassing’’ He looked up from his hands and saw that Phil was already looking at him fondly. 

‘’Thank you, Phil’’ He felt his cheeks starting to flush _why am I even nervous? It’s just Phil_ ‘’I think that I wanted to have someone special in my life – just like you and Matt – that I threw myself, literally at the first opportunity I saw. It’s kinda sad now that I think about it’’ ‘’Dan, even though it’s not the same, you know you can count on me, right?’’ Dan simply nodded. ‘’And you also know that you don’t need someone to feel validated, or for feeling worthy?’’ 

‘’For you it’s easy to say, Phil. You’ve got it all. You’re caring, loving, you’re always smiling. _fuck_ you’re like the sun. Radiating everyone with your warmth’’ 

Now it was Phil’s turn to blush, he couldn’t hold Dan’s eyes on him while he was saying those things. He thanked him in a low voice, barely audible, but Dan heard. ‘’You know, you also feel like warmth, Dan. You may think you look like you don’t want to talk to anyone or that you scare people away –somehow – but… the reality is, you also bring warmth. Your laugh is really contagious, a-and your dimple is just adorable. Everyone wants to poke it’’ Phil giggled at his las sentence. 

If someone were to look at them right then, they would assume that it was two teenagers –or two tall adults – confessing their love to each other. 

Rose coloured cheeks and bright smiles were the centre of attention in the room. 

‘’D’you wanna make dinner?’’ Dan broke the silence. Their first comfortable silence in weeks. 

‘’Yeah, let’s make pizzas!’’ 

_This is how it’s supposed to be_ Dan thought _This is what home is supposed to feel like_


	9. It's difficult

Matt started talking to Phil more, texting him ‘good morning’ and wishing him ‘goodnight’, even more, he took Phil on dates. 

Phil wasn’t one to complain about it, no. He felt like he was dreaming, like he was in a constant state of bliss and happiness. Everything in his life was falling into place: his career was doing better than ever, he had awesome friends, Dan, and a boyfriend – even though they hadn’t officially said it, it couldn’t be any other thing - . Even though Phil couldn’t really contain his excitement about everything, he decided to explicitly not tell Dan about it. Somehow it fell wrong. 

The night before, Matt had texted him saying ‘wear something nice tomorrow’. Phil was really confused about it, thought he presumed it’d be another date. 

As told, when Phil woke up, the first thing on his mind was to get ready for whatever would be coming. He went to the bathroom, showered and put on lotion – he really wasn’t kidding when he said he moisturized – with that done, he shaved and finally blowed dried his hair and combed it so it would stay out of his face, in a quiff. 

He cursed himself for having forgotten to bring clothes, so he put on a towel around his hips and went into his room.

In the short distance between the two rooms, he stumbled into Dan, who quickly gazed over Phil, from head to toe, with a questioning look.  
_what is he getting ready for_ Dan stared at the too low hanging towel, but quickly recomposed himself, looked at his feet and kept walking. 

Surprisingly, Phil hadn’t noticed Dan staring in a way that ‘friends usually didn’t’, his mind too occupied with trying to guess where Matt was going to take him.

He settled for a white and black striped shirt, black jeans and low black leather boots. He never wore them, it wasn’t really his style, but at that moment, it was the best option. The rest of his footwear was vans and converse, so, given the fact that he had to dress nicely, trainers weren’t even considered. 

He took a last check in the mirror in his room before getting out of it to –finally- have breakfast. At this point he was starving.  
‘‘Thought you’d never come’’ Dan said with his mouth full of cereal. He was on the sofa, scrolling through Tumblr with an anime playing on the TV as background noise.

‘’sorry, I was too excited to wait to prepare’’ ‘’Prepare for what’’ _Oh, right. Dan had no idea_ ‘’Matt texted me yesterday saying to dress in some fancy clothes today, though I still have no idea what the plan is’’ .

Dan’s expression fell a little, but he tried not to let his unjustified disappointment show. Instantly, he smirked ‘’mmm…sounds exciting’’ Phil nodded excitedly ‘’well, now I’m going to make breakfast or else faint, I’m so freaking hungry’’

After Phil made his coffee, pour cereal in a bowl and settled next to Dan on the sofa, they decided to watch the anime that had been playing on the TV, might as well.

Neither of them said anything while they finished eating. And without the need to speak about anything, Dan got up and went to put his mug and bowl in the dishwasher. 

He couldn’t quite put a finger on it, but Dan was feeling down. He knew he still had those days, where everything felt too much, every sound, every move, and everyone.

He felt bad for Phil, because he was the only one who had to put up with him. It was inevitable, they lived together. For that reason, whenever Dan felt like that, he would escape from the world in his room. If he was ever dressed, he wouldn’t even bother to take his clothes off, he’d be too tired to do anything other than lay in bed or on the floor, being alive but not feeling like living. 

He’d try with all his might to close the blinds and make the room as dark as possible, that way, he’d feel like he was in a place that resembled the way he felt, like he was in the void. That was better than feeling empty in his own home, the one where everything was colourful and was the personification of the feeling of happiness, and where Phil was, the one where everywhere he went, he’d light up the place with his own being and his way of talking. 

So he did just that. Went to his room, closed the door and drew the curtains, so that no little ray of sunshine that may pass through the gloomy sky would enter into Dan’s room. 

After that, he got into bed and hide under the covers, putting them above his head and prayed he could fall asleep again.

 

 

Phil didn’t question Dan’s disappearance, it was a common thing and maybe he had work to do.  
Half past twelve rolled around, and Phil was in the living room cleaning up a bit – just so he had something to do – when he heard a knock on the door.

 _Matt_

Quickly, he made his way to their entrance and opened the door. And there he was.

Matt was wearing a black blazer, a dark grey shirt underneath and a black tie pinned to it. He was wearing black pants –part that went with his blazer – but had some detailing on the bottom, little grey dots that matched up with the colour of the shirt. His hair was pushed back in a little quiff, and he had stubble from the lack of shaving.

Phil’s mouth fell open instantly; he couldn’t believe how good that man looked. The first thought that crossed his mind was to take his tie in his hand and bringing him close to him so he could kiss him while tugging at his hair with his other hand. _fuck_  
‘’Hey’’ He finally said, trying to even his heartbeat.

‘’Hey’’ Matt responded, a small smirk on his face. He probably knew what he was doing to Phil. ‘’You look amazing Phil, really.’’ He gave him a little peck on the lips, and placed his hand on Phil’s lower back.

This man was going to be the death of him.

When they pulled apart, there was a smile on the both of them ‘’We should get going, I have a reservation.’’

Phil raised an eyebrow, still smiling. He made sure he grabbed his keys, wallet and a coat and got out of the house. 

Apparently, the restaurant was further than Phil had thought, so they went in Matt’s car. _When did he even get a car?_

The roads were busy, but for Phil time passed quickly. They jammed to a few tunes in the car, sang along and talked for a bit. Before he noticed, Matt had pulled over and parked. 

They were in front of a building. A rather posh-looking building. They entered and Phil couldn’t believe his eyes. The floor was covered in red carpet, high ceilings and the whole place illuminated by chandeliers. But they didn’t stop there. 

Matt guided Phil to the lift, a hand on the small of his back to accompany him.

Once in the lift, Matt pushed the button to the 15th floor. _The top of the building_ Phil observed. 

They were the only people inside that little moving box, and Phil carelessly decided to kiss Matt’s neck, a little moan escaping his lips. ‘’God, Phil.’’ When Phil stopped and backed up a little, Matt giggled. Just then, the doors opened and they stepped inside of a lobby.

A few meters on their right was a giant closed door. Matt pushed it and revealed the surprise. It was one of the most expensive restaurants in the city. Phil recognized it once he saw the tables and the rather interesting renascent paintings hanging on the walls.

‘’Matt… this is too much, can we afford this? R-really, you didn’t have to…’’ Phil was in awe.

‘’Phil, it’s fine. I can afford it, you won’t have to pay for anything. I’m going to treat the most beautiful man and you can’t do anything against it.’’

Upon hearing those words, Phil couldn’t help the colour rising in his cheeks and the need to hold the other man’s hands – in placement of doing something else - .

They got seated at a table next to one of the big windows. The city of London was displayed before them, little dots of lights coming from different houses, street lights, skyscrapers and red eyed planes.

Phil suddenly remembered the night when Dan took him out to the terrace of another restaurant, how they had just finished the tour and had some drinks to celebrate. _That was a nice night_.

But now he was sitting in front of Matt, the most handsome man he’d ever seen that treated him like no one had ever done before. _Well, no one…_

A waiter took their order and the first thing that was brought was the wine. 

Phil took a first sip, letting it in his mouth for a bit before swallowing it. 

The red liquid had tainted his lips a bit, so he licked them clean slowly, knowing Matt was watching his every move. _gosh, who am I? Since when do I do that?_ He didn’t know where that confidence and teasing had come from, but he wasn’t complaining about it. He enjoyed the sense of control over the other man.

 

After their first course, Matt got up to go to the bathroom, Phil took the opportunity to check his quiff with his front camera in the phone, as well as if he had any food remnants on his teeth. Just as he placed his phone down, Matt received a notification and his phone screen lighted up. It was quite inevitable not to read the message, since the phone was in Phil’s direction. 

Phil froze. ‘Hey babe <3’

The phrase already echoing in Phil’s head. His stomach knotted and his heart stopped beating.

Matt approached the table and as soon as he plopped into his seat, he saw Phil’s state. Eyes looking nowhere, his expression unreadable and his face pale. 

‘’Babe, are you alright? ‘’ Phil simply indicated with a head movement to Matt’s phone.

‘’What about it?’’ He said, as he unlocked the phone and realized what was happening. ‘’Look Phil, I can explain’’.

But Phil had already tuned everything out. He couldn’t hear Matt’s voice making up excuses – or maybe he was telling the truth, who knows – Phil could only hear his own heartbeat, beating so fast he thought he was going to drop dead at any moment. 

He got up, took his jacket and tried to get out of there as soon as possible. Matt reached to him and grabbed Phil’s wrist, only to let it slide through his fingers and watch his ‘boyfriend’ disappear through the door.

 _Of –fucking- course he was cheating on me. What was I thinking. Me? Worthy of someone like him?_ A hollow laugh escaped his lips while tears fell and he took a cab.

…………………………………..

 

Dan couldn’t sleep. He reached into his bedside nightstand and grabbed his phone _15:23_ Still, he was tired, his mind numb and body pressed to the mattress. He hadn’t gotten up, hunger having disappeared and hydration being the least important thing for him. 

He had been through this so many times, and he knew what was good for him. But everything felt like it’d require so much energy, he’d end up falling on his knees and lay in the middle of wherever. 

Still, he pushed through those thoughts and decided that a bath would do him good. 

Phil had some bath bombs in one of the bathroom cabinets. _God bless, him_. This Is the first time in the day that Dan felt excited about something, even if it was just a something that had just made curl his lips upwards. 

He opened the tap, letting the water fall and fill the tub whilst he undressed from his pyjamas. When the bath was filled, Dan dropped a dark blue bath bomb. 

He was crouching down, observing from up close how the water turned dark, how new shapes were created and how –unexpectedly- glitter started to mix with the dark colours. The image reminded Dan of space, of those places still unknown to men, where dark colours and shades of purple covered the void. It was a pretty and soothing scene for him. 

Carefully, he sat inside, letting the water warm his body, limbs disappearing under shades of blue, black and glitter. 

He let himself relax, sliding down until the water covered his shoulders. 

At that moment, he was glad Phil and him decided to buy a bathtub big enough to fit in. The one that came with the apartment could only fit an average sized person.

 

Dan closed his eyes, hands resting on his stomach, and knees just slightly bend. He finally felt a little bit at peace. He mentally congratulated himself for making a good decision. It had been a long time since he decided that whenever he was feeling depressed, he’d tried to do something good for himself. 

He’d been in the water for a couple of minutes, plenty for him to think. Unsure, he let one hand slide down his stomach. It had been a while since he pleasured himself, and this bath had given him just the energy to do something like that. _fuck it, why not_

 

He ended up falling asleep, only to be woken up by the sensation of feeling cold. He stood up and grabbed one of the towels folded in the rack. 

When he finished cleaning the remnants of the glitter and putting his pyjamas back on, he went to his room again, this time he decided to watch something on Netflix or on YouTube.

 

Just as he started an episode of Riverdale, he heard the door from the apartment, only to be closed loudly. 

He debated on going out of his room and greet Phil, but decided against it. What surprised him, was that Phil didn’t even ask if there was someone home, or open Dan’s door to see if he was inside. 

Lost in his confusion, he heard another door slammed, followed by a sob. _was Phil crying?_

He abruptly got up, not caring if his laptop fell on the floor, and opened Phil’s door.

The sight just broke his heart. Phil sat on the edge of his bed. Elbows on his knees and head hanging low in his hands. Even from the door frame, he could still see the tears falling from his eyes to the floor. 

Without saying anything, Dan approached him, sat beside his friends and put an arm around his shoulders. Phil let his head fall in the crook of Dan’s neck. 

Dan could feel his pyjamas getting wet. ‘’Phil’’ He whispered, scared to say anything, but wanting to know what happened, what was happening.

‘’Phil’’ He tried again ‘’I’m here, can you please tell me what happened?’’ But Phil wouldn’t respond, his crying filling the silence in the house. Phil felt his throat tighten up, making it hard for him to breath. He tried to steady his heartbeat, his breathing and his thoughts. He caught onto Dan, his fist pulling Dan’s pyjamas. He needed to hang on something, or else he felt like he’d fall apart.

Dan just held him tighter, waiting until the rush of emotions would simmer down.

Once Phil felt like he could breathe again, he started talking, but he did not let go of Dan. ‘’He’s cheating on me’’ Dan was not expecting that. He didn’t know what to expect, but certainly not that. ‘’He dared to make me feel like I was special, that fucking asshole, he took me to dinner in one of the most expensive restaurants. Letting me get my hopes up, like this relationship would take me somewhere. Only to make me feel like shit. Like I’m nothing to him, and nothing to anyone.’’

Dan knew Phil was really hurting when he swore. And this was one of those moments. He cursed that guy, Mel, Mot, Matt, whatever his name was. Who the fuck did he think he was, breaking Phil’s heart. Phil didn’t deserve this. He deserved the world _fuck_.

‘’Phil, please, look at me’’ Dan placed one finger under Phil’s chin, making him meet his eyes. 

The blue was even more astonishing contrasting the red that had appeared from his crying. It was just as beautiful as it was heart-breaking. This sight took Dan to the moment when he was comforting Phil for the first time, in the middle of a show. 

‘’You don’t deserve this. He doesn’t fucking deserve you, ‘key?’’ He tried to focus on showing all of his affection and reassurance through his eyes, knowing that maybe Phil was still too lost in himself to be hearing him. ‘’You’re one of the most loving, caring and strong person I know. And you deserve someone that will give you the same that you get them. If Matt wasn’t giving you the same respect, then he’s fucking lost you. Even if it’s hard, you can’t let people go over you, making you feel like they’re giving you the world, only to take it from you. ‘’

Another single tear rolled down Phil’s cheek. He kept looking at Dan, still unable to talk and scared he’ll choke up again. He settled for embracing him. This is all he needed. Someone to hold him, that someone who had never let him down, who always supported him no matter what, cared and loved him. He needed Dan.

He hugged him harder, feeling he’d lose him if he retreated from the hug.

But Dan didn’t mind. He didn’t mind at all. In fact, he realized that this is what he also needed. He’d spent all day alone in his room, feeling like nothing. 

But now he knew. He’d always be someone, if not to himself, to Phil. He wanted to be that shoulder to cry on. He feared Phil feeling like this, like what he felt today. His friend didn’t deserve feeling unworthy or unlovable. 

‘’Do you want water?’’ Phil hummed in a way that was supposed to mean ‘yes’. Slowly, Dan ended the embrace to stand up and go to the kitchen. When he was filling up the glass, he realized how his hands trembled. He, as well, wasn’t really in a good place right now. But he’d push through, only for Phil.

When Dan entered the room, Phil was just ending putting on some joggers and an old t-shirt. He grabbed the glass from Dan’s hand and slowly drank. After some more sips, he just placed the glass in his nightstand.

‘’I was just starting the new episode of Riverdale, d’you wanna join me?’’ Dan asked in a soft voice. ‘’Yeah’’ Phil responded, his tone revealing his tiredness. 

With that, they got inside Dan’s bed, laptop placed in one of each other thighs. 

 

At some point, Phil put his head on Dan’s shoulder. Dan thought he was asleep, but got surprised when he heard Phil whisper ‘’Do you mind?’’ ‘’No, not at all’’.


	10. I'm sorry

Droplets of rain fell on Dan’s window. The water creating little rivers, which, because of the keen wind that blew that morning, some of them were conjoined, making waterfalls against the glass.

It was another rainy day in London, the perfect kind of day to realize your own dismay, much to Phil’s discomfort.  
He slowly opened his eyes, awaken by the rain. As soon as he regained his senses, he notices how he’d fallen asleep with Dan. 

He was still deciding his next action, when he heard his phone ringing, in his room. Still in the process of trying to wake up fully, he opted against getting up and answer. Whoever was calling cold wait.

After ten minutes or so of self-reflection and staring at a crack in the ceiling, he heard Dan’s voice.

‘’Fuck, my neck hurts like hell.’’ 

His laptop was somewhere between the sheets. Screen closed and thankfully not broken or on the floor. He took it upon himself to take care of it, by incorporating himself, grabbing the laptop and placing it on his nightstand. 

‘’Yeah, I feel like if I move my back will snap’’ Phil tried to joke, more to himself than anything else. He really was feeling like the day.  
After both having breakfast and talking for a bit while watching the news, Phil went to his room to get dressed. 

Without putting much interest, he opened his wardrobe, only to look at it mindlessly. He put his weight on one foot and both hands on his hips. 

Finally, he grabbed a white t-shirt and decided not to change from his joggers. He wasn’t planning on leaving the house anyway.

As he closed his wardrobe door, and started to make his way through the door, he caught sight of his phone.

_One missed call. From Matt._

Phil sat on the edge of his bed, phone. in hand. He was looking at it and debated what to do. He was hurt. Really hurt. But it was also true that somewhere deep in his heart, there was also hope that all of this was a misunderstanding, that there was a logical explanation.  
With tremulous hands, he unlocked his phone, and much to his surprise, there were messages too. 

_Phil_

_I know you may not want to listen to me or anything_

_but please read these messages_

_That person that sent that text_

_It was my sister ok_

_Please babe believe me_

_I’d never do anything like that_

_I’ll never hurt you_

_Please_

_I love you_

He didn’t realize he was crying until a single tear fell on his phone, blurring those words.

_I love you_

 

It’s true that he Phil didn’t give Matt the time to explain himself at that dinner, but… should he believe him? 

Phil wiped the upcoming tears with the back of his hand, and locked his phone. He needed time. Time to process everything, to think and to let those words sink in. Did he really love him? Abruptly, he put on some shoes and grabbed a jacket on his way to the door. 

It was the perfect day for his tears to disappear in between raindrops. Phil walked swiftly through the crowd of people that always gathered in the London streets. He didn’t pay attention or any care every time he bumped his shoulder into someone. 

 

There he stood, in front of that white door, for the second time. For an instance, the sense of regret overwhelmed him, and felt his knees become weak, unable to stand his weight and threatening to stop working at any time, making him fall to the ground. 

Before another second passed after that sensation, he held his head high and knocked on the door. Matt opened it. And just at that moment, the realization hit him. _He really does love me_. He could see it in the bags under his bloodshot eyes and the growing smile upon seeing him.

Mouth then slightly agape, Matt started to lift his arm, slowly, as if he was scared that the instant his fingers brushed Phil’s body, he’d disappear, as if he were a spirit still wandering through the living world. 

With the same uncertainty, Phil took hold of the hand that had appeared in front of his chest, only to finally pull the other man into a tight embrace. 

Nothing had been talked, yet Phil knew he could trust again. That there was nothing to worry about and that _he_ almost destroyed the only relationship he truly and honestly valued.

He had almost fucked up. And it would have been his entire fault. 

Matt started walking backwards, without letting go of the hug, so they could enter the house and close the door.

‘’Phil, you never let me explain. You just shut me out’’ They were now sat on the sofa, seated next to each other, thighs touching and holding both hands together. 

‘’I know, and I’m really sorry. I really don’t know what happened. What took over me.’’ _I really need to work on these fucking trust issues_.

Matt let go of Phil’s hands to stand up, but still holding Phil’s gaze. ‘’I hope you’ll never do that again. Never. Phil, if you want this to work ‘’-Matt said, pointing at himself and then Phil with his hands, penetrating eyes , so much that Phil felt like the green in those eyes was slowly turning shades darker – ‘’ you’ll have to trust me.’’

‘’Yeah, yes. I know. It won’t happen again’’ Those were all the words he could make out, now looking down at his empty hands. And though he was relieved to have talked thins over, the knot in his stomach only kept tightening. 

Matt nodded, took Phil on his hands and conducted him to the bedroom. 

The back of Phil’s knees were touching the bed, and it only took one finger from Matt pressed on his chest to make him fall on the mattress. Matt, slowly, crawled over him, making Phil small, insecure, and not sure if he could do this. He pressed both of his palms over Matt’s shoulders, trying to stop him from kissing him.

‘’Matt, please stop I-I can’t do this.’’ Phil had closed his eyes, scared of what reaction his boyfriend would have. ‘’What the fuck, Phil. Why? What am I doing wrong?’’ 

‘’It’s-It’s not you. I just- I’m not sure I’m prepared. You know that I’ve never done this before.’’ He answered, finally opening his eyes. Matt was looking at him with now a softer expression, but the darkness of his eyes hadn’t disappeared.

‘’Okay. Okay. We’ll take thing slow’’ He said, now pulling backwards to lay on the bed next to Phil. ‘’At least tell me you’ll stay the night.’’  
Phil looked at him as the other man turned his head to do the same. Phil gave him a small smile ‘’Yeah, I can do that’’. And after hearing those words, Matt closed the space between them, bringing up a hand to cup Phil’s jaw. The kiss started to heat up, Phil pulling Matt closer and placing his arm around Matt’s waist. 

The need to breathe made Phil finally pull apart a little, just the necessary, noses pressed together. ‘’Did you mean it when you said it?’’ Matt furrowed his brows. ‘’When I said what?’’

‘’You know, those texts from this morning…’’ Phil averted his gaze, too shy and too scared to see some unwanted truth in those eyes. ‘’Phil, yes. I love you, I love you and I love you. I’ll repeat it until you believe me.’’

And in the excitement of the moment and the sudden rush of happiness flooding over him, Phil rolled over Matt and immersed himself in those plump and soft lips he loved so much.

……………………………………

Dan spent his days going through his emails and editing the gaming video that was due tonight. He didn’t even bother to put on a t-shirt when he had gotten out of the shower. He lounged all day in comfy clothing and eating cereal. 

He noticed the lack of noise in the hose, only to realize that Phil had gone out without saying anything. Dan tried not to dwell on it too much, but it was hard. Since when did Phil stop telling him things? He recalled their last argument, Dan mad at him for not answering his calls and not telling him where he was. Therefore, he tried to reason with himself and stop worrying about his adult, responsible and independent friend, whom was free to do as he pleased and not justify his actions.

Dan still couldn’t deny himself how worried he was about him, and how weird Phil was behaving. 

 

It was close to dawn, and Phil was nowhere to be seen. _Maybe he’s with Matt_. A nagging though without justification popped into Dan’s head. 

When Dan finished cleaning hoovering the floors, he glanced at the clock _20:23_. Maybe it was time to make dinner. He put the hoover in a cabinet in a little room next to the kitchen where they kept all of the cleaning supplies and headed to the fridge. 

As soon as he opened it, he sighed, the lack of food making him even dread eating. But he knew better than that – he remembered all the times he hid himself in his room, only for Phil to interrupt him, knocking on his door and trying to make him eat something-. 

He decided to order pizza, what better way to end this lonely day, right? 

 

When he got to bed, ready to fall into the much needed dreams and avoidance of everything around him, he couldn’t stop thinking about Phil. 

Where was he?

……………………………………

Dan woke up to the sound of the apartment door closing. And after a few seconds of recomposing himself from his sleep, he remembered. He got up and went out of his room, curls pressed to the side of his face, covering a few of the lines that had been marked by the creases of the pillow case. 

When he got to the lounge he saw Phil standing next to the sofa, taking out his jacket.

With a morning voice, Dan quietly greeted his friend, as he stood by the doorway ‘’Hey’’.

Phil turned his head abruptly, jumping a little, like a deer in the headlights. ‘’Oh, Dan. Hey. Sorry if I woke you up’’  
‘’No, no. I was already awake.’’ He lied.

Silence fell between them. Dan still observing Phil as he placed his wallet and keys on the dining table. 

He knew he shouldn’t ask. Because if he did, he would only make things worse. But he couldn’t help it. He wanted to know. ‘’So… where were you? You went out without saying goodbye… and didn’t even spend the night’’ Dan was sure he already knew the answer, but for some reason he didn’t want it to be true.

‘’I was Matt.’’ Dan nodded. Phil looked at him, seeing Dan’s gaze go from him to the floor, as if he had something to hide. Phil felt the need to explain himself, he knew that maybe he’d worried Dan.

‘’Yesterday morning, he texted me. Dan, he said he loved me.’’ 

At that, Dan snapped his head up and looked at Phil with wide eyes, confusion written all over his face.

‘’He tried to explain to me who had texted him… it was her sister. God… I felt so stupid’’

‘’And what happened? I mean.. I guess you went to his house.’’

‘’ Yes. I apologized.’’ Phil said, averting his eyes from Dan and sitting on one of the chairs in the room. Dan followed cue. ‘’You said sorry? But, why?’’ 

‘’ Cause I almost fucked up. I hadn’t trusted in him. I left the restaurant before he could explain himself, Dan. I just jumped into conclusion and wrong assumptions.’’

Dan didn’t quite understand Phil. He hadn’t done anything wrong. He reached and put a hand on Phil’s right shoulder, looking at him in the eyes. ‘’Phil, you shouldn’t have to apologize. You did nothing wrong.’’ 

Phil burrowed his brows together ‘’Yes I did. I didn’t trust him and almost ended the relationship when nothing had happened. It was my fault!’’ 

Dan pulled back and rested his back on the chair, sad eyes looking at his friend ‘’Phil, it wasn’t your fault. I don’t think anyone was at fault.  
Yes, maybe it was a misunderstanding. But your reaction was totally reasonable. You got scared. A-and I actually think you did the best thing when you went back home after that night. You shouldn’t be with someone who treats you right and the way you deserve it, remember?’’

‘’Yeah, but… He wasn’t-isn’t cheating on him, I totally overreacted.’’

Dan really didn’t want to fight with him, so he let it go. 

He stood up and started heading to the kitchen ‘’Have you had breakfast?’’ He almost shouted, so Phil could hear him from the other room. ‘’Yes, but a coffee sounds amazing’’

‘’What? Didn’t sleep much, last night?’’ Phil giggled, heat rising to his cheeks. He missed this, this easy banter between them.

 

Dan opened the cupboard and took a packet of instant hot chocolate for him, and the bag of ground coffee beans for Phil. As he poured the hot water into the mug, he started to think about what his friend had just told him _But… why did Phil apologize?_

He then opened the fridge and took the milk out, to pour it into his hot chocolate. _what if Matt isn’t who he’s saying to be_.He grabbed two teaspoons, one for each mug, and stirred. _I don’t trust him_. 

Dan grabbed the drinks and brought them to the lounge, where Phil was already sprawled on the sofa and the laptop on his lap. ‘’Do you wanna do something today? It’s been a while since we last hang out’’ He said, as he took his coffee. ‘’sure, do you have something in mind?’’

‘’I just saw this movie trailer, and it looks pretty good. Maybe we can go this evening?’’

‘’Sounds good to me’’ Dan replied, smiling as he sat down next to Phil. Again, this felt like home.

 

As Dan ate his breakfast and Phil downed his coffee, they watched their latest gaming video, as Phil hadn’t watched it finished. ‘’Dan, you’re stepping up your game, mate’’ He turned his head around to look at him, wanting to look genuine ‘’I guess those editing tips finally paid out’’ Dan replied with the same light tone. ‘’Those tips only applied to ‘Movie Maker’ on windows XP’’ Phil added. 

They shared giggles and banters throughout the morning, and Phil hadn’t missed the way he felt; warm, happy, at ease. 

The light inside the room changed, bright colours turning into shadows. The rear clear sky in London becoming dressed in dark clouds, in which the brightness of the most prominent stars would make their way through an empty space in the now cramped sky.

And just as the light, their conversation changed. The morning bubbly feeling in the house was now altered into deep thoughts, hiding in a dark room, where the people sat in it felt too small in the enormity of the apartment. 

‘’Sometimes I fear that I’ll lose you’’ Dan whispered.

They were facing each other, elbow on the back of the sofa and head on the palm of their respective hands. Silence was prominent in the room for mere seconds. ‘’Why? ‘’ Phil tried to read Dan's eye’, hoping that they’d give the true answer. ‘’Because I know that you at least will make a new life with someone else. And then you’ll forget about me. It won’t be the same.

Dan noticed the way Phil’s eyes shone even in the darkness of the room. He had always been captivated by them. The colour, or should he say, colours, and the intensity of them. 

‘’Dan, you know that won’t happen. Even if I do end up moving away with someone else. Do you really think I could forget about you? After these ten years?’’

Dan couldn’t take it anymore, the feeling of his friend’s gaze was too much. So he averted his eyes into his lap, picking at the hem of his shirt and starting playing with it. 

Phil tried to stop the nervous movement from Dan with one hand, using the other to lift his head up and making him look at his face. ‘’I’ll never leave you. For fucks sake, I don’t think at this point I’ll know how to live by myself, let alone someone else’’ He laughed a bit, trying to lift the ‘mood’ – Dan’s mood.

The corner of Dan’s lips curled up a little. _What would I do without you, you spork? Probably drown in your own misery_ He answered himself. As soon as he heard his thoughts, the small smile on his face disappeared, but an instant later he pulled off the same fake smile he used for years, the same one to try and stop people from asking him if he was okay. He knew that Phil could read through him, but he also knew that he knew better than to push him.

Phil sighed and pulled Dan into a hug. If he couldn’t convince him with words, he would do it through actions. 

Dan hugged him back, trying to fight the tears that had started swelling up.

…………………………………

 

6 PM rolled around. Dan and Phil were running around the house trying to find the brunette’s wallet. ‘’Dan, think. When was the last time you used it?’’

Dan stopped walking through the corridor and closed his eyes, trying to picture the last time he saw the wallet. It felt like an eternity, but seconds later, he snapped his eyes open ‘’Last night! I bought a new coat!’’ He then proceeded to enter his room and rummage through all of his drawers, and then finally found it. It was under the bed. 

‘’Okay, good. Now we’re good to go.’’ ‘’Are we even going to make it before the movie starts?’’ Dan asked, sceptical. 

‘’I swear by my mum that we’re going to fucking make it’’ Dan chuckled, and gestured Phil to finally get out of the house. 

They decided to go by tube, knowing well enough that if they were to go by taxi, they could easily find themselves trapped in traffic. 

They got to the cinema five minutes before the movie started, bought the tickets and got inside the foyer. 

Dan was explaining Phil why he’d bought the jacket in the first place, saying how it was from a new collection Saint Lauren had just dropped and how it was a necessity for him. But midway through, Phil had stopped paying attention, his ears were ringing and all of his surroundings were becoming blurred. Everything but one thing, or better, one person.

Matt.

And he wasn’t alone, no. He didn’t miss the blonde women throwing her head back because of laughing so hard, yet with a sweet voice. He also didn’t miss their hands, intertwined. 

‘’And by the way, when did you last buy a jacket? You seem to have worn this one for ye….Phil?’’ Dan tried following Phil’s gaze, until he spotted the familiar face. ‘’Are-you-fucking-kidding-me?’’ They both had stopped walking, but the other couple didn’t. They hadn’t even noticed them, so they walked through the doors of the cinema while throwing each other some rather soft gazes. _Your sister, uh?_  
‘’Phil. Are you okay?’’ Dan now turned to Phil, placing a hand on his friend’s forearm. ‘’Do you want to go home?’’

‘’No.’’ He replied with the harshest voice he’s ever used. He looked at Dan’s eyes with a serious expression ‘’No, let’s watch the movie. I’m perfectly fine. Today was supposed to be about us, catching up and doing things together. Like we always used to.’’

Dan nodded, and so they started walking towards the room where their film would be projected.

Dan couldn’t stop himself from looking at Phil. He was worried for him, and couldn’t help the ache in his chest when he saw Phil’s eyes water in the dim light in the room.


	11. Downhill

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> helloooo! sorry for not posting as frequent as I've been lately, but here I am!
> 
> Also, sorry if this chapter is a bit.... idk, dramaa ,but things will change... you'll see

On their way back from the cinema, Phil did not say a word. The look in his eyes gave away the hurt he felt, the emptiness and the lack of trust he’d be facing from now on.

Dan saw his friend’s expression and couldn’t neglect his own feelings. He wanted to punch Matt square in the face. No one should dare to hurt Phil. _His_ Phil. The one who has always been there for Dan, in every breakdown, when not even himself was sure if he could get out of his void, his demons and darkness.   
In the taxi, Phil sat with his head resting on the window, gazing the night sky, or lack of it, since the clouds always hid the beauty of things. Phil wondered about those hidden stars. How they shone with all their might, even though they were no longer there. They were dead and had long disappeared. He felt like those bright dots. He always tried to put a brave face, try and be the optimistic one, but he realized sometimes he felt empty inside, rotten, yet still trying. It was difficult.

For the whole ride home, Dan was looking at Phil, wondering what was going through his mind. In an impulsive moment, he rested his hand on top of Phil’s, which was placed in the middle seat. At the touch, Phil looked at Dan and gave him a small smile. That was all he could pull.

Dan was nervous. Nervous because he wanted Phil to feel better and he wasn’t sure how to do that. Nervous because it had been years since he last grabbed Phil’s hand.

Feeling his friend’s soft skin, he remembered all those moments back in 2009, when he was careless than ever, happy and adventurous. When he’d lay on the bed next to Phil. And Dan would bring his hand up to caress his friend’s face while the other slept. When he’d whisper secrets only in those moments because he was too scared to voice his emotions if he had to do it with blue eyes looking back at him. 

Eventually, time passes, and those emotions were forgotten, only for them to strangely be relived.

Dan also rested his head on the window, looking at the night sky and still trying to figure out what was Phil thinking. 

When they got out of the car, pulled on the end of their street, Dan payed for the ride and waited for Phil to get out and stand next to him. Heading together to their apartment, Dan put his arm around Phil’s shoulders. He knew there already was too much going inside his friend’s mind for him to start talking. Instead, he opted to just reassure him through small actions. 

Slowly, his arms started to slip. Dan didn’t want to let go, for some reason he also needed the reassurance, the contact, the closeness. So his arm stopped to hug Phil by the waist. 

When they found themselves in front of their apartment, Dan finally let go, allowing Phil to open the door. He couldn’t. Phil had the keys in his hand, but he was shaking so much. Dan worriedly looked at him and saw the tears forming in his eyes. Slowly, he took the keys from Phil and opened the door. Once inside and out of the possible public eye, Phil broke down. He had his back on the wall, but soon enough his knees gave out, making him slide down to the floor. 

Dan still didn’t really know how to handle the situation so he just sat down next to him and pulled into a hug. Phil cried, wetting Dan’s shirt. Letting out the sobs and all the sorrow. He crumbled, done with feeling brave and trying to put a smile on his face as if everything was okay. And everything was far from okay.

Dan pulled him closer, his own tears started to fall. ‘’Phil…’’ He felt his throat tighten, making it difficult for him to talk. ‘’Phil ‘’ –he tried again – ‘’what we saw in the cinema… I know it’s hard. And like I told you, you deserve better than the way he’s treating you. Please don’t let him hurt you again’’ Dan said in a mere whisper.

Phil nodded a bit, but didn’t make another move, so they stayed like that for a while. When Phil’s tears finally subsided, he pulled out of their embrace and pushed himself up. He looked down to meet Dan’s eyes, who still hadn’t gotten up from the floor. ‘’I’m just gonna go to sleep. I’m sorry, Dan. I know tonight was about us having fun like we used to. I’m sorry I ruined everything’’ He turned around and started walking to his room, but he didn’t get too far. Dan was grabbing his wrist and made him turn around so they were face to face. Not letting go, Dan said ‘’Don’t you dare say this was your fault. Don’t you dare take the blame for something that you had no control of. Don’t you _fucking_ dare make you the bad person when clearly it was Matt who ruined it. Who ruined _you_. ‘’

Phil was not expecting that. He felt his heart race and his eyes open wide. He saw how angry Dan was, but he knew it wasn’t at him. 

They stood there, exchanging looks. Phil, paralysed, having not expected Dan’s reactions. Dan, angry at how Matt had made Phil feel, how he had made him believe that _Phil_ was at fault. For fuck’s sake, he made Phil apologize for something that was clearly a normal reaction. 

Dan was starting to see Matt’s true colours, and he could just hope that Phil would too.

‘’I-Dan… I don’t know’’ Phil said, now looking at the floor ‘’Right now I-I don’t think I can think’’.

‘’It’s okay. But promise me you won’t make yourself take the blame for _anything_.’’ His eyes softened, hoping his own emotions reached his friend. ‘’You haven’t done anything wrong. And please, think about Matt.’’ Now it was Dan who averted his eyes to his hand holding Phil’s wrist. ‘’I don’t think he’s good to you. I don’t want to see you hurting so much. You don’t deserve this.’’

Phil nodded, Dan’s voice echoing in his head. He let go of him, and finally entered his room, closing the door behind him. 

He stripped down, too tired to put pyjamas on, he got in his bed and pulled the duvet above his head. 

 

Dan stood in the middle of the corridor, not knowing what to do with himself. Should he go to Phil again? No, he needed space. But he felt bad. He knew he hadn’t comforted him.

Now Dan was starting to be angry at himself because he couldn’t even help Phil. Nine years of friendship only to prove his inability to comfort others.   
If he couldn’t protect Phil, he’d make sure Matt stayed away from him. But little did he know.

……………………………………..

The glimmering light found its way to Phil’s room. The messy space was now illuminated by an intermittent glow, shades of orange from the early hours. 

Phil slowly opened his eyes, and the moment the memories from the day before started flooding back, he wanted to go to sleep again. He threw his arm to his eyes, trying to block the morning glow, but it was of no use. The feelings were too strong and his thoughts too awake. With a low groan, he pushed himself up and went to his drawer to get his pyjamas. 

He knew he needed to do something about ‘that’, but right now it seemed food was more important, the growling of his stomach reminded him of how he didn’t have dinner last night. 

In the kitchen, Dan was already having breakfast, but it seemed like he’d just started, since his cup of tea was still full to the brim. 

‘’Good morning’’ Dan said with a morning voice. Phil replied the same as he grabbed a bowl and poured himself a lot of cereal. 

It was only when he sat down and glanced at Dan that he noticed the bags under his eyes and the tired expression on his face. He knew Dan hadn’t slept that night, also probably the reason why he was up so early. 

They exchanged a few words, talking about anodyne things and work they should start getting at, but nothing else, no mention about yesterday. And Phil was glad for it.

 

After breakfast, Phil went to his room and started to clean up, making his bed and doing laundry. That would help him get his mind a bit occupied. 

When he finished, he grabbed his phone and sat on the edge of his bed. Reluctantly, he unlocked it and went through his contacts, stopping at the letter ‘Matt’. 

After what happened yesterday, he knew he maybe shouldn’t. He was conflicted. Should he finish things without mentioning what he saw? Should he tell him? After running his hand down his face and tugging his hair in frustration, he decided for the latter. 

 

He pressed the call button and with a bit of hesitation put the phone to his ear. 

Thankfully, his voice hadn’t trembled, and was able to ask him to meet later in a café. 

 

The whole train ride was making Phil dizzy. He was anxious, his hands starting to sweat and his throat tightening. He felt eyes on him, like everyone was judging for what he was about to do. As fast as he could, when the train stopped, he got out of the station, like he was longing for the ‘fresh’ air from the outside. 

When he found himself in front of the café, instead of entering, first he looked through the windows, trying to spot him. And there he was, careless, looking at his phone. _what if he’s talking to her?_ Shaking out his own judging thoughts, Phil took a deep breath while he closed his eyes and finally found the little courage to enter and face him. 

Phil sat on the chair in front of Matt, and the boy instantly shut his phone and looked at Phil, pushing himself up to give him a peck. ‘’Hey love, everything alright?’’

_Not even a look of worry on his face_ Phil though, curling the corner of his lips and nodding. 

‘’Did you want to tell me something? You sounded a bit… uneasy on the phone.’’

Phil cursed himself, he really tried to hide his nervousness. Well, too late now.

‘’Yes, actually’’ He said, trying to look at Matt’s eyes, but finding himself unable to do it.

Matt did look at Phil, as if with his eyes he was trying to make him talk.

‘’I-Well.’’ _fuck it_ ‘’Yesterday I saw you.’’ Phil said, finally meeting his eyes.

‘’Oh, really? Why didn’t you come up and say hi? ‘’ Phil was at a loss for words. Was he for real? ‘’Well, maybe because you seemed a bit occupied. You know, at the cinema. And. you seemed to be having a good time with a girl, so... didn’t want to disturb you, I guess’’ 

He grabbed the cup of coffee in front of him- he supposed Matt had ordered for him- playing with the handle, now too scared for Matt’s answer. 

He was expecting for words to come, but instead, he felt something grabbing his wrist, and it wasn’t in the same way as Dan did yesterday. Phil’s head snapped up, meeting Matt’s rather scary smile.

‘’What are you implying, babe?’’ A knot started to form in Phil’s throat. ‘’Were you stalking me?’’ 

Phil shook his head in lieu of answering with words. He just couldn’t. 

‘’Are you saying that I was cheating? Again?’’ Phil started feeling Matt’s hold harden, and it was starting to hurt. ‘’Babe, answer.’’ The mischievous smile still on his face. 

‘’I don’t know’’ Phil whispered, and his wrist started hurting more. He needed to leave. Dan’s words now going through his mind _You don’t deserve this_.

Phil retracted his hand with as much force as he could, so he was free of Matt’s hold. ‘’I’m going to go’’ He thanked himself for not having taken his coat off, now he could walk out as fast as possible. As he passed through the other tables in the café, he heard Matt’s rising voice ‘’Are you serious? You’re just going to leave like that? I don’t deserve this, Phil. I don’t fucking deserve being treated like shit!’’

Phil knew people were looking, but he didn’t find it in himself to care. He wanted to go away as far as possible. 

 

He got home, struggling once again to hold tight the key and open the door. After five tries, the door was pushed open and closed with more care. Phil didn’t want anyone to know this. No, not even Dan. Dan could not know this.

Keeping a neutral expression he went to the bathroom, locked the door and started taking his clothes off. He threw everything on the floor, not caring the clothes were just washed and clean. 

He stepped inside the shower and turned on the tap, letting the cold water hit him. At first he was freezing because he hadn’t waited until the water warmed, but he didn’t move. He turned around so he could wash his face, rubbing his eyes, trying to forget that smile from Matt. 

He grabbed the soap and poured more than necessary on his hands. At first, he slowly started rubbing it on his shoulders, but it wasn’t much later when the memories of Matt started coming back. Phil, as if trying to project all of his anger and trying to wash away the hurt, he rubbed the sponge on his arm harder and harder. 

He closed his eyes with the same force as he was using the scruffy material. The tears blended with the water, and the same way they were carried away, falling to his feet. Only once he opened his eyes, did he realize the redness in his skin. He wondered if it would leave a mark. He didn’t care.

 

They decided to have dinner while watching a movie, so Dan and Phil grabbed their plates and drinks and sat on the couch. Phil was carrying the drinks and because they decided to just grab the bottles instead of glasses, he placed them on the coffee table in front of them. They’d just put the plates on their laps. 

‘’Should we turn off the lights? I feel like this movie deserves full attention.’’ Phil said after his first bit of dinner. ‘’You’re just going to drop your plate or food, or knock the drinks. So no, I don’t think that’s a good idea’’ ‘’Touché’’.

After around twenty minutes and a big plate of pasta, Phil got hot and asked himself why the hell did he decide to put on his winter pyjamas along with a sweatshirt. He debated on opening the windows, but then thought about Dan, maybe he wasn’t as warm.

So he took his sweatshirt off and pulled up the sleeves of his pyjamas. 

The film was almost finished and Phil started to feel a bit drowsy, at some point fighting the urge of closing his eyes. He was enjoying the story and he wanted to know how it ended. _Maybe a bit of Fanta caffeine will help me_. He pushed himself up from the sofa and grabbed the bottle.

‘’Phil’’ Dan asked. Phil turned his head to look at him while drinking straight from the plastic and made a humming noise, questioning what did Dan want. ‘’What’s that on your wrist?’’

‘’What?’’ Phil was confused. He didn’t know what Dan was talking about. What about his wr- oh shit. He looked down. How did he not notice.

‘’Phil, what’s that mark’’ Dan had an idea of what it was, but made himself not think about it, pushing the image away, scare for it to be the truth. 

‘’I –em… ‘’ Phil didn’t know how to respond. Should he tell the truth? And why was he even questioning lying? What was wrong with him?

‘’It was Matt, wasn’t it?’’ For how angry he felt himself, he still managed to keep a steady and soothing voice. ‘’Yeah’’ Phil finally said, scrunching his shoulders, trying to make himself small. 

‘’Phil... why didn’t you tell me?’’ Silence filled the room. Phil trying to make sense of his thoughts and actions, and Dan not wanting to push his friend.

‘’I- I didn’t even noticed there was a mark. ‘’ Dan wanted to say so many things, but knew better and le Phil talk. ‘’I went and talked to him. Dan, I _confronted_ him about it and asked me if I was stalking him, if I was accusing him of cheating. H-he just grabbed my wrist and asked me all of that, a-and the worst of it’’- he said, pausing to take a deep breath, he felt sick as he remembered – ‘’he had that smile. As if he was mocking him. Dan, you were right.

He’s trying to make me feel like this is my fault, how did I not see it?’’ 

He hadn’t realized he started shaking, nor the tears falling down his cheeks. ‘’Dan started moving from his pot to sit near Phil. With his thumb, he wiped a single tear. 

Phil saw him doing it, noticing how soft his skin was next to his face, and looked at Dan’s face of concentration, not on the task at hand, but on what to say.   
Dan averted his eyes from his thumb to meet Phil’s gaze, already on him. 

As much as Dan liked the contrast of blue from Phil’s eyes against the redness, he dreaded thinking about the cause of that colour forming. 

Neither of them dared to move. Phil could only think about how glad he was for not being alone in this. Otherwise, he wondered if he’d have seen the reality of the situation with Matt.

Dan’s mind was filled with memories, like the show in which Phil broke down, or yesterday when he grabbed Phil’s waist and moments from nine years ago appeared in his thoughts.

‘’Please, don’t go back to him.’’ Dan whispered. ‘’I won’t’’ Phil promised. 

Maybe it was starting to be weird, but no one moved, they still held each other gazes and tried to figure out each other’s thoughts just from the look in their eyes. Until Dan couldn’t anymore. He was scared the same feelings from 2009 would come back. So he pulled Phil in an embrace. And Phil accepted it, returning it and placing his head on the crook of Dan’s neck. 

Phil didn’t notice the shivers from his friend every time he exhaled. 

…………………………………

A week passed and Phil finally had the courage to block Matt from his social media and delete his number. He finally realized that since Matt entered his life, everything had gone downhill. Not only the relationship, but Phil’s emotions and his friendship with Dan. He’d had enough.

Each day it was easier to get by without Matt crossing his mind and each day Phil and Dan would work together, finally getting good work done and feeling proud of their new content. 

Things were going to be okay. Right?


	12. Memories

Christmas was getting closer, and with it, the stress from buying presents, new projects and new feelings.

Dan was sitting by the fireplace, reading and re-reading the paper in his hands. He wrote it last night, another restless night, when his chest felt tight, but in a good way. He felt weird, it had been a long time since he last felt like that. Like flowers blooming in his lungs, but instead of suffocating him, it felt like they were helping him breathe. 

While writing the letter, Dan could hear Phil snoring in the other room, and chuckled every time it got a bit loud. He poured onto that piece of paper as much truth and as much emotion his body could hold. And the gratification he now felt after reading it once he had finished. It was immeasurable.

The electric fire warmed his legs, but not in an uncomfortable way, it felt like he craved that warmth. He now just looked at the letter, not bothering with reading it again, since he now could remember it by heart. 

…………………………..

Phil loved this time of the year. Yes, the stress could get to him, but it was all worth it in the end. For him, Christmas meant laughter with your loved ones, shared presents and kind words. Christmas meant eating more food that could fit in your stomach, it meant music and decorations. 

When Phil finally found the strength to pull the covers down to his knees and get up, he checked in his head all of the errands he had to run today. First, he needed to buy a present for his mum, the only one left in the family – since he always started buying gifts by the end of November, just in case - , buy groceries, and finally find something for Dan. He had an idea for his mother’s present, but Dan? He had no idea. 

These past years, Phil bought something he saw on the internet or in a window shop, something that had caught his eye and instantly reminded him of Dan. But this year he was at a loss. And Christmas was just a few days away. He needed to think of something, and fast.

 

Like always, his stomach growling pulled him out of his thoughts. He put on an old grey ‘University of York’ sweatshirt over his pyjamas and started heading to the kitchen. On his way, he saw Dan on the floor of the lounge. He couldn’t see his face, but he knew he was lost in the depth of his mind. He didn’t want to startle him, so he just continued walking. 

He opened the cabinet and grabbed a mug. _What is Dan thinking about? _. Phil wondered as he turned on the kettle. He often tried to guess what was his friend thinking when he looked lost in thought, his eyes open but not looking anywhere.__

__As he poured the –too hot – water in his mug, memories of Dan started appearing. How he had taken care of him when he broke down, especially when that thing with Matt happened, the way he looked at him, with fondness, and how quickly Dan started to read him like an open book, the way he understood him._ _

__With all he had done, Phil decided he needed to think of something good for Dan this year._ _

__

__After breakfast, Phil showered and got himself ready for the day. He bid Dan goodbye and cursed at himself as soon as he got outside, the cold already going through his bones and making his pale face create spots of redness on his cheeks and his nose._ _

__The more he walked into the city centre, the busier the streets got. Ongoing shoulder bumps, glares and ‘sorry-s’ . Phil was used to it, apologizing for everything all the time, so he didn’t dwell on having annoyed people on the street too much._ _

__He felt like the air was getting colder, and as soon as he saw one of his favourite stores, he got inside, as if it was his refuge. It was a gaming store, like the old ones; vintage board games, games for the first PlayStation that ever existed, posters from movies and game characters and plushies. The reason he had so much love for this store, though, was because it was the first one they found when he and Dan moved to London._ _

__They had been looking for a specific game one of their friends recommended it. Just like Phil was doing now, it was Christmas and too cold for being outside, so as soon as they saw the store, they entered, and much for their surprise, the game they were looking for was there.  
After that, they came back regularly, even if it was just to wander around the place. _ _

__

__As Phil walked through the aisles, he let his fingers touch every box as he looked at the titles. He recognized some of them, ones from his childhood, and others from having heard of them from his friends. Until he saw it. The game. The one he and Dan bought years ago._ _

__He took it in his hands, appreciating the amazing artwork on it and reminiscing on memories with the game._ _

__As he let the tip of his fingers wander over the lines of the drawing, it hit him. This would be the perfect gift for Dan._ _

__He looked at the price tag and almost dropped the box on the floor. It was almost a hundred pounds. _Since when does a game cost so fucking much?_ Back in the day, they’d payed around thirty pounds._ _

__But this was special, and it wasn’t like he couldn’t afford it, so without a second thought, he bought it._ _

__Forty minutes later, he was in a cab heading home. For his mum he got a really simple necklace. It was made of silver with a little bulb light attached to it. When he saw it, he remembered when his mum told him that his first word had been ‘light’. He remembered the smile on her face as she told all the funny and cute stories from his childhood. Phil knew his mum would like it._ _

__He held in his right hand the gift bags, on the other, a bag of groceries. With a lot of trouble and almost dropping his bags, he made it to the front door. He placed everything on the floor and reached in his pocket for the keys._ _

__He frowned when all he could touch was a packet of mints, his phone and his wallet. _Shit._. He had forgotten his keys at home. He prayed for Dan to be inside as he rang the doorbell, and thanked every God when he heard footsteps come close to the door._ _

___Ha Dan been crying?_. He realized just as the door opened that the man before him had red eyes and dry tears on his face. Maybe a stranger wouldn’t have noticed, but Phil knew how Dan hid his crying. _ _

__Not wanting to bombard him with questions straight away, he stumbled inside the house, left the groceries on the kitchen counter and the gifts in his room._ _

__Once he got changed into comfy clothes, he made his way into the kitchen to put the food away, but was surprised when he found Dan already doing it._ _

__‘’How are you?’’ Phil asked in a soft voice, not wanting to startle the boy. ‘’Good. You? How was the shopping?’’_ _

__The only thing Phil could see from Dan was his back. He stood leaning in the doorframe as Dan moved around the kitchen. ‘’No. I’m asking ‘how are _you_ ’.’’_ _

__This time, Dan took some time to answer, as if he was analysing how or what to say. ‘’You noticed, didn’t you?’’ He finally said, turning around to look at Phil. Now there was no point in hiding._ _

__‘’I always notice. Did something upset you?’’ Dan avoided Phil’s concerned look , instead he looked at his hands as he played with the hem of his pyjamas shirt._ _

__‘’I was looking at old photos of us, and.. I don’t know. I guess I just felt a bit nostalgic.’’_ _

__Upon hearing those words, Phil didn’t say anything else. He knew Dan wanted to say something else, so he gave him time.  
‘’Do you ever miss the way thing were before? Without worries, problems, ongoing judgment and pressure… ‘’ He sighted and took a deep breathe before adding ‘’Sometimes I wish things were like before. A-and don’t get me wrong, I love the life we’ve created and built for ourselves! But… I don’t know. I don’t even know if I’m making any sense.’’_ _

__But Phil understood. He also missed those times when Dan would come over his parent’s house and stay for a week. He missed having _that_ someone in his life. That person he thought about when he had to think about someone special._ _

__He remembered those times when he pretended to be asleep, and Dan would play with his hair, or stroke his cheek. It was funny how even to this day, he hadn’t told Dan about that._ _

__

__‘’I get what you mean. And I agree, life was easier back then. And even with all we’ve done and have come so far, I still miss lying in bed doing nothing for endless hours and having a simple life.’’_ _

__At those words, Dan looked up and smiled at his friends, glad he also felt the same way. Truth be told, his crying was originated basically from feeling guilty. Guilty of not being thankful for what he has. But the thing was, the only thing he truly missed were the feelings.  
Emotions that made him light in the head and created butterflies in his stomach._ _

__………………………………._ _

__It was Christmas morning. And like a Christmas miracle, the sun shone, filtering its warm and soft line through every window in Dan and Phil’s home._ _

__Thanks to Dan, they had managed the decorate the house: a big Christmas tree in their lounge, fairy lights everywhere and scented candles in every corner._ _

__As soon as Dan opened his eyes and pulled himself out of sleep, the sweet smell of pancakes hit him. He walked in the kitchen to find Phil in his most Christmas-y jumper and grey sweatpants._ _

__‘’it smells amazing, you better not burn them’’ Dan greeted with a low and husky voice, as they were the first words that he spoke since he woke up._ _

__Phil jumped a bit, not having expected anyone behind him ‘’Shut up’’- he said jokingly – ‘’Can you please cut the strawberries?’’ And Dan did._ _

__

__They sat in the lounge to eat his breakfast and put on a festive movie, as everyone should do. Phil was the first one to break the comfortable silence that had fallen between them. ‘’I checked the mail this morning’’ Dan hummed in lieu of saying he was listening, still looking at the TV and not his friend. ‘’There was a letter from Matt’’._ _

__As soon as those words left his lips, Dan’s head turned to the side to look at his friends with wide eyes. ‘’A-and what did you do? Have you opened it? What did it say?’’_ _

__Phil turned his head as well, and almost whispered his response, as if he was scared of something, of someone ‘’I don’t know. I haven’t opened it. I don’t know if I want…or if a can.’’_ _

__Dan nodded and averted his eyes to the floor, instantly lost in thought. _What if Matt tried to apologize to Phil? What if Phil agreed? What if he ruins him again? What if he leaves me?_. Dan stopped his thinking process as the last sentence crosses his mind. _Leave me? Why would he leave me? And what if he leaves me?_ He himself was aware of that deep fear inside of him. He feared the future, the unknown, the stage in his life where Phil might not be a part of it. _ _

__It was something he really had thought about when Phil was going out with Matt, and soon forgotten when it all ended. Well, forgotten until now._ _

__Dan finally pulled himself from his ongoing uncertainty. ‘’Do you want to know what it says? ’’ Phil shook his head ‘’Not now, not today. I won’t let him ruin Christmas.’’_ _

__And that was all they said, both now watching the movie, forgetting everything else and letting the feeling of festivity wash over them. Bellies full with pancakes and candles almost burnt out, filling the house with a maple syrup scent._ _

__

__With the tour and everything in between, they didn’t see their families too much. So, after a lot of time talking about it, they agreed on spending the morning together and then heading to their respective homes._ _

__It felt weird saying home. It wasn’t their home anymore. Yes, they grew up there, but for both of them, home was their apartment in London. Home had been their apartment in Manchester._ _

__

__After the movie ended and they cleaned up their plates, they decided it was time to exchange presents. They grabbed each other’s presents, which were placed under the Christmas tree, and sat on the sofa, both crossed leg and facing each other._ _

__‘’Who should go first?’’ Dan asked. And they decided with how they almost always decide things by: rock, paper, scissors._ _

__Dan lost, and he knew what it meant. Phil would be opening his present first._ _

__On Dan’s lap there were two neatly wrapped boxes and one envelope. He knew Phil would be more curious about that little one, so Dan happily gave the bigger box first._ _

__Dan extended his arms with the gift and Phil took it from his hands with care. To say the least, he wasn’t expecting how heavy it was. Phil looked at Dan with questioning eyes, but Dan just shook his head and motioned Phil to open the box._ _

__Slowly, Phil took off the red ribbon that wrapped the box. How cliché. As soon as he saw what was inside, he burst into laughter, passing it on Dan in mere seconds._ _

__‘’A plant? Really?’’ He finally said after their burst had died down. ‘’Do I really kill them that fast?’’_ _

__‘’Man, you have no idea. I think you are now a VIP member club in the Battersie Flower Station’’ Dan smiled, without being able to mask the fondness in his voice._ _

__Phil just shook his head and giggled. He really liked the gift and knew that as soon as he could, he’d put it in one of the corners of the lounge, right where the Christmas tree was now._ _

__He thanked him and gave Dan one of his gifts, reserving for later the special one._ _

__‘’It’s something stupid, but I thought you might like it’’ ‘’No Christmas gifts from the Lester’s are stupid. I can assure you that’’_ _

__After ripping the –rather unskilfully wrapped – paper gift, the corner of his lips curled. It was a white CD. On it Dan could decipher Phil’s handwriting, which had titled the CD with ‘Lit tunes for unlit days’. A chuckle escaped Dan’s lips and looked up to see Phil with his eyes on the gift. ‘’I know how stressful this year has been, and I know that has caused you a bit of bad days, so I wanted to help you in those moments. And because I know my presence won’t help, maybe these songs will._ _

__‘’Which ones are they?’’ You’ll have to see when you’re feeling unlit’’ Phil said, proud of himself, not even knowing why for, but happy for Dan’s smiled causes by the CD. ’’You need to stop saying lit or anything else for that matter’’. They joked around a bit and exchange other little gifts, after each of them had one left._ _

__Dan grabbed the envelope from his lap. His hands were trembling enough, enough for him to notice but unknown to everyone else. ‘’Please don’t read it allowed’’ He said as he handed it to his friend._ _

__Phil nodded and with careful fingers and movements of his hands, took the letter out and unfolded it. He noticed Dan’s handwriting. _What is this?_. With a final look on Dan’s direction, he started reading:_ _

__

___I know I sometimes have fucked up. More often than not. I know I sometimes have been ungrateful to you. There have been times when I haven’t thanked you or appreciate it enough._ _ _

___This year I’ve realized that without you I don’t know where I would be, or if I would be. Being with you has taught me that it is okay to feel scared, to feel sad or to feel weak. But despite everything, to always shine, and Phil Lester, you have no idea how good you are at that. So goof, that you illuminated me when I didn’t have the strength to do it myself._ _ _

___The tour has been amazing. It has allowed me to be out there and understand that it is okay to feel uncomfortable. But most of all, it has taught me that even though I missed the apartment in London, I didn’t miss home. Because home is wherever. Wherever I am with you.  
These past months I have been thinking a lot. About me, about my past and about us. I have already told you how I sometimes think about those times when we were careless and didn’t think or care about what others said. _ _ _

___It was all thanks to you. You made me feel like I was whole and worthy, just by being myself. And when I spent time with you at your parent’s house, I already felt like home._ _ _

___Phil, I don’t think you realize the appreciation I have for you. I am mad at myself for not telling you often, but thank you. Everything that has happened, everything about this, about us, it has been thanks to you. And I will be forever grateful for that._ _ _

___Phil, you deserve the world and a lot more._ _ _

___Thank you, and please remember that you will always have me and I will always be there for you._ _ _

___Bear._._ _

__

__He hadn’t realized he was crying when a sob escaped his mouth. ‘’Dan…’’ He looked up and put a hand over his lips to not let another sound escape._ _

__Dan didn’t say anything, just pulled Phil into a hug, because he could, because he knew Phil wouldn’t mind._ _

__Once in Dan’s arms, Phil put his own arms around Dan’s waist, pulling him closer and staying like that, with his chin on Dan’s shoulder.  
Neither of them moved, but Dan jumped a bit when he heard Phil’s voice so close and so low. ‘’You know… I was awake every time you played with my hair. When you thought I was asleep and pulled me closer to you. And you whispered things.’’_ _

__Dan froze, he felt his cheeks starting heating up and his heart race._ _

__

__‘’I liked it when you’d tell me about your thoughts or secrets. I know you wouldn’t tell me if I were to be awake.’’_ _

__Phil pulled out of the hug, just enough so he could look at Dan, and he noticed his Adam’s apple bop when he did the same. ‘’I was also scared to lose you. Fuck, I’m still scared.’’ Phil let his eyes observe every inch of Dan’s face. It wasn’t like he hadn’t seen it before, but he remembered doing just that in 2009. His eyes stopped for a millisecond to Dan’s lips, but soon averted his eyes and closed his eyes to say his next words. ‘’I did the same when you were asleep. I told you my deepest secret.’’ He paused for a moment and took a deep breath, not believing what he was about to say. ‘’I liked you. I would lay next to you and look at your lips. I remember one night I almost did it. I wanted…. I wanted to kiss you.’’_ _

__Phil still didn’t dare to look at Dan. And Dan couldn’t believe what he just hears. He knew they flirted a lot back then. But he would never have imagined for Phil to reciprocate his feelings._ _

__Without having much longer to process much more, another box was pressed into Dan’s chest. Phil holding it without looking at him. ‘’You’re gonna laugh at this one now’’._ _

__With curiosity, Dan opened his eyes and as soon as his eyes were laid on the game, his breath caught up in his throat._ _

__When he felt like he could breathe again, he looked at Phil ‘’Oh my god! Where did you find it? I know I lost the one we had when we moved, so where did you get this from?’’ Dan was in awe._ _

__‘’At the shop. I think it was a Christmas miracle. A rather expensive one, but a miracle.’’_ _

__Dan chuckled and thanked him. He still could believe it. This was the first game they bought when they moved to London. They played it on the floor, too caught up on it to even unbox their belongings and put on the furniture to their new flat._ _

__They exchanged another hug. But this one felt different. More intimate, more affectionate._ _

__It was going to be a good Christmas, but Dan was going to spend half of it thinking about Phil’s last words about them in 2009. And Phil would start to dwell on his own new thoughts._ _


	13. The letter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back!
> 
> i just wanted to point out that that this chapter is a bit shorter, sorry:( I'll try to write more on the next one i promise  
> still, i hope you enjoy it!

Dan and Phil parted ways in the station after having had lunch in a small café that was near there. 

For what they could see, they weren’t the only ones who were moving around and reuniting with friends or family members. It was a nice scene: people hugging, little kids already playing with the gifts they had received that morning and a lot of decorations everywhere. 

With that, Phil headed first to his train, bid Dan farewell and sat near one of the windows. It would be a long journey, so he allowed himself to close his eyes and relax. Except he couldn’t. That exact morning had been a roller coaster, from receiving the letter, to all the words exchanged with Dan. 

As the train started moving and soon after city buildings were replaced with the countryside, Phil thought about his past. He had changed so much, and truth be told, he didn’t know if it was a good thing. Yes, he was now more open and able to talk to others without freaking out too much, but it was also true that he sometimes feared he would lose his true identity. 

Being in front of a camera and film himself to millions of children, teenagers and young adults was something to think about. 

When he started his YouTube channel, he didn’t think too much about his audience. He posted whatever he wanted and showed whatever he thought would be interesting. But now, now was different. He put so much care and thought in his content, fearing it would not be good enough, or not ‘family friendly’. 

When he was younger, he was more charismatic, didn’t think twice about what to say. His videos from 2009 showed that. A lot of suggestive sentences, looks and photos. 

Due to that proof, people were aware of his change, and Phil wanted to be that person again. That boy who said anything he wanted and made sexual jokes. Just as he did with Dan on a daily basis. He had formed a new persona on the internet, and he wasn’t sure he liked that in the present day. 

He knew it would take time for him to start showing his true self again. He had already changed his hair and his clothes. Threw away all those colourful t-shirts and replaced them with monochrome sweaters and in-fashion shirts. He was so proud of himself for having dared to change what identified him in the YouTube community.

 

He looked through the window and observed the cottages, wondering who lived there, and how different his life would be if he was a simple man living in the countryside. 

As he reached for his headphones in his backpack, he touched what seemed to be a paper. Phil grabbed it and took it out, observing the envelope on which he could read ‘From: Matt To: Phil Lester’.

His hands trembled. He would be damn if Matt was going to ruin his Christmas. With a furrow in his brows and a rather angry gesture, he shoved the letter back into his bag and retreated his headphones, put on his favourite tunes and forgot about his problems for the moment. 

……………………………………….

Dan’s train was due to leave in 10 minutes. Without having anything better to do, he made his way to the train and sat after placing his little baggage in the compartments above the seats. 

Aware of all the work he had put behind, he decided it would be a good idea to do something with his time. He opened his laptop – which he always carried, just in case – and started editing a gaming video. 

Since it was already almost finished, it only took him about half an hour more to be done with it. As he clicked ‘save’ he sighted and proceeded to look at his emails. This part would take him longer.

 

Half way through responding to the demanding people and project offers, he reached in his bag for a water bottle. He was glad he took seriously the ‘stay hydrated’ trend that was going on, it also helped him stay on track with his new healthy lifestyle. Well, or at least he tried to do his best. 

Just as he was about to put it back his caught sight of one of his Christmas presents, the CD from Phil. He chuckled at the title again. _This guy…_

Intrigued by what songs he would have recorded, he inserted the CD in the computer and started playing the –rather long – list.

He closed his eyes and rested his head on the seat, letting the first few notes enter his head. He instantly opened his eyes. _Is he for real?_. Interrupted by Fireworks .

Dan remembered the night he spent four hours talking to Phil on Skype. He remembered talking about movies and music and how, in the spur of the moment and with flushed cheeks, he’d told Phil how he thought of him every time that song played. It wasn’t meant to be any flirtatious thing, it was the truth. 

So for Phil to have put that song in first, it almost brought tears to his eyes. Dan couldn’t believe how he remembered. Maybe there were other things, but never talked about. 

As the song progressed, Dan let himself relax again, appreciating his gift and his friend.

When the fourth song started playing, Dan started thinking about his morning and Phil’s ‘confession’. All those times he thought Phil was asleep and he whispered words, he was actually awake, listening. Now he was embarrassed, he said _a lot_ of things. Some were trivial, but others, others were his darkest secrets, fears and thoughts. Some of them were him saying how he wondered if kissing a boy would be the same as kissing a girl. Some of them were told as his eyes lingered on the other’s lips. Some of them were about him, trying to figure out his feelings and his sexuality.

He knew that now it was too late to feel embarrassed, after everything they have been through together, this was not something that would make their friendship weird. 

Still, Dan craved feeling like back then again. He missed how he would feel light and happy when someone complimented him. The way his cheeks would redden and his dimple would show when other people flirted with him. Now no one did. And those feelings were long forgotten. Well, until now.

As the songs played, the corner of his lips turned upwards. A lot of the songs meant something for them, they marked something in their friendships, others were just songs he or Phil enjoyed. He knew he would listen to the CD again when he really was feeling a bit down.

 

Before he knew it, the train had almost arrived to his destination.

As he got out of the train, a pair of arms was thrown at him. At first it startled him, but that familiar fragrance gave away the person, it was his brother. Him being at school and Dan having a lot of work, they didn’t get to talk a lot. It was nice to be around loved ones again, and pretend like he never moved from his hometown and he was still a kid. 

‘’How was the trip, honey?’’ Her mum appeared from behind his brother. ‘’It was nice. Quick, as well.’’ 

‘’I’m glad.’’ And she gave him one of those smiles that Dan had missed so much.

When they arrived home, Dan was greeted by the other members of his family, from cousins to his grandparents. He had a lovely dinner, played games and chatted the night away, but it was getting late, and Dan was exhausted.

He said good night and headed upstairs, running his hand through the old railing. Slowly, he put one foot in front of the other, and remembered about the time when he was younger and would come home drunk, stumbling from side to side and trying not to wake up his parent. A small smile appeared on his face. Dan was always a party boy, not for the music or the company, but because he enjoyed the feeling of alcohol running in his veins. The dizziness and the blurred vision. 

He opened the door to his bedroom and closed it with his foot once he was inside. It looked smaller than he remembered, but maybe it was because he had grown. The brown walls still persisted, just like the ugly furniture and some nick knacks on the shelves.

He stripped down his pants and threw his shirt over his head, throwing everything on the floor, like the old times.

Once naked, he noticed the lack of warmth that he was used to in his apartment, so he went to his luggage and took out his pyjamas. 

Just as he was about to get inhis bed, he remembered he hadn’t brushed his teeth, and the voice of his dentist telling him ‘floss every day, Dan’ appeared. So without dwelling too much on it, he was on his feet again and heading to the bathroom.

When he finished spitting the last of the toothpaste foam in his mouth, he rinsed it with water and looked at his reflection. 

He had changed so much over the years, and he was proud of it. He had suffered so much when he was a teenager; he had spent so many nights wondering when would his life change, or if it would change at all, and now, there he was: a man with a promising career and comfortable within himself. 

He went back to his bedroom and decided he wasn’t that tired after all, maybe he was just bored downstairs. He grabbed his laptop and opened two tabs; one for Tumblr and another for YouTube. 

After some time scrolling through his dashboard of aesthetically pleasing photos, memes and self-deprecating jokes, a light appeared on his nightstand. Dan turned his head and grabbed his phone, the lighted up screen showing he had a new message.

23:39 _Philly: Heey_

_23:39 _Philly: how did dinner go?__

__23:39 _Dan: waddup__ _

___23:40 _Dan: it was good, but I had to head upstairs, 3 hours of scrabble was too much__ _ _

____23:40 _Philly:_ 'cry-laughing emoji'_ _ _ _

_____23:40 _Dan: And how did it go with the Lester clan?__ _ _ _ _

______23:40 _Philly: really good, I think my stomach might explode tho__ _ _ _ _ _

_______23:40 _Philly: can we skype?__ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______ _ _ _ _ _

_______Dan was taken aback by the sudden question. Sure, they had skyped before, but usually texting was all they did when they wanted something._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______23:41 _Dan: sure__ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______Dan opened Skype and waited for Phil to call. After mere seconds they were already seeing each other._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______ _ _ _ _ _

_______………………………………..  
Saying Phil wasn’t nervous would be the biggest lie in existence. _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______He felt like he could easily throw up all his dinner right there and then. With trembling hands, he picked up the envelope on his nightstand, and brought it to his lap. He touched the paper, feeling how crumbled it was now from having kept it in his bag._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______When he saw Dan had picked up his call on Skype he smiled ‘’Hey’’ ‘’Hey’’ Dan answered, but his smile was quickly replaced by a more neutral face, the fond eyes never leaving. ‘’Is everything okay? ‘’ ._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______Phil went to look at the letter in his hands again, and nodded to Dan’s question before snapping his head up to look at him again. ‘’Yeah, yes. It’s just… I wanted to open Matt’s letter, but I didn’t want to do it alone’’.  
‘’Oh’’ Dan said. He didn’t know what else to say, so his face expression was left with raised eyebrows and his lips in an ‘o’ shape. _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______Eventually, Phil broke the silence. ’’I don’t know why, but I’m a bit scared. I literally have no idea what to expect. I mean…’’ – he let out a sigh and closed his eyes – ‘’Why would he send a letter? And after all this time?’’ When Phil opened his eyes he saw that Dan had changed his position: He was laying on his stomach and elbows propped, resting his head on his hands._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______‘’It’s okay. And yes. It’s kinda fishy, but maybe he’s just apologizing and was too embarrassed to do it in person? If you don’t read the letter you’ll never know’’ He whispered the last sentenced, but was audible enough for Phil to hear._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______With a last glance at Dan’s direction, he opened the envelope and took the letter out._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______Dan didn’t know why, but he held his breath. He noticed himself tense up, just as he noticed Phil’s trembling hands. Through the screen, the watery eyes from his friend were quite visible, but Dan didn’t point him out on it, he didn’t want to startle him or scare him. Instead, he kept quiet, fiddling with his fingers._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______Why was he so anxious? The letter wasn’t even for him. Maybe he was scared of Matt, trying to get Phil back. Dan couldn’t – wouldn’t- let that happen. He has noticed how Phil was more calm, happy and comfortable. Surely Matt wouldn’t take that out of him, again._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______Dan was confused by his own thoughts. Since when was he so clingy? Oh yes, since Matt broke Phil’s heart._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______ _ _ _ _ _

_______Phil just stared at the first words ‘’Dear Phil’’. So that was it. He was going to do it. He was going to read the letter._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______At first, he didn’t know if he wanted to read it out loud or just to himself. He opted for the latter._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______ _ _ _ _ _

________Dear Phil,_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Sorry if I hurt you. I really do. When I first met you, I thought you had the most beautiful eyes in the world. The first time I saw you, I couldn’t remember how to breathe._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________All this time we have spent together really meant a lot to me. So when you first accused me of cheating, it really hurt me. You went away without letting me explain myself. But it’s okay now because you went back to me, and apologized. You recognized your mistake, and that’s very honourable. And I fell deeper for you._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________But again, you said you saw me with another person. I felt cornered, stalked, and that’s no good, Philly. Love, you hurt me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________And then, as if you hadn’t fucked me up enough, you went back to your ‘friend’. Do you really think you can fool me, babe? Do you really think I’m stupid enough to believe that you don’t have anything going on with Dan?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Now it’s your turn. Prepare yourself. You may have thought you could forget me easily, but no one ever lets me go that fast. And neither will you._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Protect Dan as much as you can, because I’m going to have fun for a bit. You’ll know when I’ve started playing. Dan will know as well._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I know how bad it is to get your loved ones hurt, so let your friend know to keep an eye._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________You’ve hurt me, Phil. Now get ready to get hurt._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______ _ _ _ _ _

________This can’t be happening_ , Phil thought. As his eyes scanned the lines, tears had started to fall down his cheeks. He was so shocked, his breathing started to cut. _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______Dan was still looking at Phil with worry and calling him, but it was no use. Phil was too into what he was reading. He felt trapped in the letters themselves, as if they were Matt’s arms already grabbing him and not letting him go. Why couldn’t he let go?_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______Phil let the paper he was holding fall down on his lap. It wasn’t like he could keep holding it, his hand trembled too much._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______‘’Phil please say something! What’s wrong?’’ Dan raised his voice a little, trying to get Phil’s attention._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______‘’Phil, look at me. Please stay calm’’ - he was growing anxious as he saw his friend cry and starting to shake – ‘’take deep breathes, I’m right here, please tell me what the letter said’’._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______But Phil couldn’t bring himself to speak. A lump had formed in his throat, and he didn’t feel like he was there anymore. His mind running at high speed, a million thoughts clouding his vision. _This can’t be happening._._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______He knew Dan had been hurt before because of him. For fucks sake he knew Dan hurt on a daily basis. Phil didn’t want to be a burden, he didn’t want to involve his best friend into this mess. No, he’d try and solve all of this on his own._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______Finally, he looked at his computer screen. He could see Dan in the dark, eyes screaming words of worries, and pleading him to say something. But Phil couldn’t.  
With that, Phil shook his head, more to himself than for Dan and slowly raised his hand, blocking the view from his webcam._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______‘’Phil what’s happening I can’t see you’’. But Phil didn’t respond, and Dan didn’t miss the sob from his friend. ‘’Fuck, Phil say something’’._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______But Phil didn’t hear him. He had already ended the call and closed his laptop._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______Now, surrounded by darkness he pulled his knees up and rested his head in between them. He let his tears fall and tried to make sense of everything._ _ _ _ _ _ _

________This can’t be happening_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	14. 'Everything will be okay'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeeey people! Sorry for the delay, next week I'm doing my uni entrance exams so i've been studying and going to interviews sooooo yeah
> 
> hope u like it and let me know your opinions, I'm curious:)

Dan was tired.

Dan was tired and scared. Phil had hung up on him; he had ignored Dan’s questions and hadn’t said anything about the letter. With the events from last night, it was quite obvious that Dan hadn’t been able to shut his mind off. Millions of possibilities and different scenarios being created and represented in his mind while the minutes ticked.

And as if that was bad enough, Phil wasn’t even responding to his texts or desperate calls.

Ignoring Boxing Day, Dan excused himself from his family and immediately hopped on a train to the north.

While discussing their holiday’s schedules back home weeks ago, Dan and Phil had agreed on spending time with their respective families until the 28th, but that establishment was now out of the window, at least for the brunette. 

 

The journey to the Lester’s seemed to never end. Dan couldn’t stop moving his leg, bouncing it up and down. The material of the hem of his shirt would be stretched out by the time he got there. He needed to do something, but the reduced space he found himself in at that moment made it rather difficult.

At one point, he accepted the fact that there was nothing he could do to change the situation, so he tried to look through the window and let the view change, wishing his train of thought would do the same.

The sky was grey, a few droplets of rain making their presence on the glass. Small and barely noticeable rays of sunshine trying to go through gaps of clouds. 

……………………………….

Phil spent all night looking at that piece of paper. He thought of burning it, just try and see if that would make the problem disappear, but then thought better about it and kept it just in case the police got involved. Would the police get involved? 

Phil was a mess by the time it was six o’clock. He was still pacing around his room trying to figure out what would Matt do, and why. Logical explanations seemed to not fit in this situation. 

He sat on his bed, finally giving up and laying down, back on his mattress and legs hanging on the edge. 

Slowly, his eyelids started to weight more that they usually did and let exhaustion overcome him. 

‘’Phil?’’ Katherine opened the bedroom door slowly, carefully entering the room only to find Phil in the same position he fell asleep in.  
It was normal for people to sleep in after Christmas, but it was unusual for Phil to still be sleeping at half past one in the afternoon. So obviously his mum worried and went to check on him. 

‘’Phil’’ She raised her voice a bit to wake up Phil but without scaring him. This time, her son made some noises before opening his eyes. 

Just as he was repositioning himself and trying to get into a sitting position the pain on his back reminded him of why he’d slept like that.   
‘’Oh mum… Good morning’’ – he rubbed his eyes with the back of his hands. – ‘’Is everything okay? What time is it?’’

As Kath opened her mouth to answer, there was a knock on their door downstairs. 

They looked at each other, both with a questioning look on their faces. They weren’t expecting anyone, but assumed it would be some neighbour or something. 

‘’I’ll go get it’ Phil finally announced, thinking that maybe some interaction will wake him up.   
As he reached for the door knob, he caught sight of himself in the entrance mirror and attempted to control his mess of hair. But there was no use. 

With a sigh, he turned and finally opened the door, not expecting the person in front of him. ‘’Dan’’ He intended it to sound more like a question, but it turned out to be more like a desperation call. ‘’W-what are you doing here?’’

‘’Are you serious?’’ Dan was a bit out of breath, and it was quite visible. His cheeks were flushed and his hair matching Phil’s. The running from the station to the house had been longer than he remembered. 

Phil saw the look on Dan’s face. Of course he knew what he was doing here, he just wasn’t prepared to face the situation. He wasn’t even prepared to think about it himself. 

Phil motioned Dan to come inside and up to his room, and Dan complied without the need to say anything else.

Once alone, Dan couldn’t hold his frustration anymore ‘’Phil, why? What?’’ – he let his bag fall to the floor and put his hands on his head, tugging lightly at his hair – ‘’What happened? You can’t just read the letter and then hang up and ignore my texts or calls!’’   
Dan had always been an emotional person, so any time his emotions were high, it was difficult to hold his tears. This time, he tried not to let them fall.   
Phil couldn’t look at Dan like this, so he averted his eyes to the floor and sat on the edge on his bed. He tried to sort out his thoughts and how would he explain everything. Dan, upon noticing his friend’s silence, took a seat next to him. 

Phil notices the new presence, but still had no intentions to move. ‘’Phil… you have to tell me something. Clearly there’s something wrong. Did he apologize?’’ – Phil just shook his head – ‘’Is he… with someone else?’’. Dan was scared of his question because he knew that if the answer was positive, Phil would be hurt.

‘’He’s threatening me. Well, you. Us’’ Finally he worked up the courage to look at Dan. ‘’He said that I’d hurt him, so now he’ll hurt me, by hurting my loved ones. Am I making any sense? Fuck, you should just read the letter’’ His heart was beating so fast he didn’t know if he could hear anything other than his own heartbeats. 

With shaking hands, he grabbed the paper on his nightstand and handed it to Dan. 

The brunette was at a loss. 

 

‘’Wait. What does he mean by ‘friend’? Does he think we’re actually… you know’’ – he said after reading the whole thing, wiggling his eyebrows. Phil just shrugged.

‘’Okay, let’s not freak out. He’s probably only lying though, so let’s not make any assumptions’’ ‘’Dan, he’s literally threatening us.’’ He looked at his friend in his eyes, blue eyes piercing mahogany ones. ‘’I’m just saying to not react straight away, because let’s be honest, what will he do to hurt any of us? Kill us? Beat the fuck out of either of us? I don’t think he has the balls to do that. Either way you know him better than I do, so…’’

Now Phil was confused. ‘’Are you implying that this is my fault? That _I_ should take care of it?’’ He was near to losing his shit.   
‘’What? No! Phil what I’m trying to say is that I’m sure he won’t do anything serious, and judging by what he’s said to you in the past, maybe he just wants to win you back.’’

Phil thought about it for a second, considering thoughtfully what Dan said, but in the back of his mind, a voice told him that this was serious. The thoughts of Matt pressing into him when they were alone, and Phil trying to fight back – if only for a few seconds – before his ex-boyfriend freed him. It was in those moments when Phil had felt scared. And he had felt scared of him, especially when he confronted him about something. 

At that, something seemed to snap Phil out of it. It hit him how Matt’s reaction to being confronted was not normal. It was manipulative. It always ended up with Phil apologizing. 

Phil finally voiced his worries to Dan, not meeting his eyes. 

Dan grabbed harder the paper in his hand, creating more wrinkles, before he took a deep breath.

He looked up and couldn’t help it. The need to pull Phil into a hug overpowered him. He felt so bad, so powerless and so out of control. So the hug brought him some sense of protectiveness over his friend. It was the only thing he could do to help at that moment.

 

It took Phil by surprise. He was not used to being hugged. Yes, Dan had hugged him before, but only when he was at his lowest, and right now he wasn’t crying or anything of that fashion. Still, somehow, he appreciated the contact, the embrace, the thoughtful move from his friend.

Finally, Phil put his arms around Dan’s waist, and stayed like that for a while, neither of them saying something. Neither of them pulling apart.

…………………………..

 

Dan stayed for lunch, being surrounded by the Lester family was always comforting. He enjoyed the meal and the people, like always, but he wasn’t feeling like always, the problem at hand was too big to be forgotten like some other problems he had. 

‘’Dan, are you feeling okay?’’ Martyn asked, aware that Dan wasn’t being involved in their usual banter. Startled, Dan looked up from his plate ‘’What? Oh, yeah, yeah. Just a bit tired from Christmas.’’ He tried to put a reassuring smile on his face, but it still didn’t look too gullible. Either way, he wasn’t questioned any further.

Phil looked like he didn’t have any problem to solve. Laughing at all his dad’s jokes and sharing anecdotes from the tour. He smiled so much his cheeks had started to hurt. 

Upon observing that, Dan realized how good and easy did Phil hide, and started becoming concerned about how many times had he done that. How many times before did Phil pretend everything was okay with him, when maybe, he was breaking inside. 

Dan shook his head and tried to participate more in the conversation. Maybe he could also forget for a moment and relax, knowing that at that moment everything was okay. He and Phil were safe, laughing with family and comfortable in the still Christmassy feeling. 

 

As the night approached, they decided to head back home to London. It was going to be a long journey, so they would be able to sleep for a bit and get some work done. 

Both of them knew that wasn’t going to happen, though. Dan had a lump on his throat it made it hard for him to breathe. And Phil’s stomach hurt so much from anxiety he feared he would throw up. 

Once they had settled in their seats and both had their laptops on their laps, Phil turned his head to look at Dan. ‘’Are you scared?’’ The brunette turned his head as well, and tried to decipher what Phil was feeling through his eyes. His pupils were dilated due to the dim light, and the familiar blue had disappeared, now replaced with dark colours and some other lighter shades. 

‘’I’m not’’ Dan finally said, but he wasn’t sure he was telling the whole truth. Was he really not afraid? Or was he just trying to calm Phil’s fears? Still, he didn’t add anything nor did he move and avert his gaze. 

‘’I am. Dan, the letter was more directed to you.’’ – Phil took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment, trying to make sense of his racing thoughts – ‘’I’m scared that because of a mistake I made, trusting Matt, you are the one that will pay for it.’’ ‘’Phil, you haven’t done anything wrong. Trusting a person should not be a mistake, so it’s not your fault that this man treated you like shit and now is blackmailing you. Nothing of this is your fault. Stop blaming yourself.’’

Now they were whispering, feeling like if they minimized the volume of their voice, the problem wouldn’t be as big as it really is. 

Phil started playing with the hem of his sweater, pulling at the strings. ‘’Still, I’m sorry. And I wouldn’t forget myself if you got hurt.’’

Dan took hold of Phil’s hand to stop the pulling of the strings. ‘’Phil, for the last time. None of this is your fault. We are in this together, and everything will be okay. Believe me.’’ 

The raven haired boy could only nod in response, trying with all his heart believe Dan’s words. _Everything will be okay_. 

 

As the hours passed, Dan and Phil started to doze off. At some point they had pulled a blanket out of Dan’s bag – his parent’s house wasn’t that prepared for cold temperatures-. They felt like the more they headed south, the colder the train was, how ironic. 

They had fallen asleep, Phil’s head resting on the window, Dan’s head falling to the side. He was going to feel sore.

Dan felt a vibration in his pocket. In his peaceful sleep, that feeling woke him up. He fished his phone out and looked at the notifications.

It was a text from an unknown number. With half opened eyelids he unlocked his phone and opened his messages. 

Under the foreign number, Dan read ‘attached image’. Furrowing his eyebrows together, he didn’t hesitate about opening the chat. 

_What the fuck_

He wasn’t sleepy anymore. His heart raced and his hands started shaking. The photo was a screenshot. A screenshot of his long forgotten Tinder profile. 

And then he realized what Matt’s intentions were. 

Dan shuffled in his seat and let out a sigh, trying to make sense of what would happen. Just as he looked at the text again, the three dots appeared, meaning that Matt was writing something.

He anxiously waited, jingling his leg up and down and biting his nails even though he knew he shouldn’t do that.

(23:02) _+0045896525: I could have some fun with this, you know?_

(23:02) _+0045896525: I was thinking of catfishing you, but then thought better about it_

(23:02) _+0045896525: the idea of posting the screenshot without telling you was really appealing_

(23:02) _+0045896525: But I’m a good person, so I’m telling you_

(23:02) _+0045896525: I bet you told Phil all those lies about me, like I’m a liar, a douchebag or something like that. And I bet you did it because you were jealous_

(23:02) _+0045896525: so now it’s time for me to play and ruin you a little bit. Like you’ve ruined my relationship_

 

Dan was having none of it. He knew if Matt posted the screenshots he could play it cool and say that it was from the time he filmed the video. Yes, there was always the risk that people wouldn’t buy it, but he knew the influence he had over his audience and could make them believe whatever he told them. 

(23:03) _Dan: You can do whatever the fuck you want_

(23:03) _Dan: I’m not scared of you_

(23:03) _Dan: But you will not bother Phil anymore. You can make yourself believe whatever the fuck you want. But you will not fucking touch him._

(23:03) _Dan: He doesn’t want you. Get over it_

(23:03) _Dan: And guess why. Because you are not a good person. You’re a fucking manipulative man without a sense of remorse_

 

It seemed like Matt had stopped replying, seeing as he didn’t say anything else after Dan’s texts. 

He let his head hit the back of the seat, trying to recall what the letter said and the events that led them up to this. To say something, this was a mess of a situation, and the last thing he needed. They had done a world tour for six months, after that it came Matt and Phil’s relationship in between endless emails and work, and to finish it all up, now this. _Great. Just fucking great._

Dan turned his head to the side and watched Phil still sound asleep. His chest rose and fell in a profound and repetitive manner. He thought how younger his friend looked like this; the new wrinkles that had appeared in his eyes were now vanished, and the constant knitting of eyebrows due to stress was nowhere to be seen. He looked like a younger Phil, and Dan felt the need to protect him from the harm that wandered in their lives. 

 

Once back home, Dan still hadn’t told Phil about the text, and was still deciding if he would do it at some point. For now, the only thing he wanted to do was sleep, so he put his luggage in the corner of his room and flopped on the bed, not bothering with brushing his teeth or putting on his pyjamas. Thankfully, Phil, oblivious to the new piece of information about ‘the problem’ did the same as Dan. 

……………………………..

The next morning, Phil woke up with a sore neck and wondered if it was due to have fallen asleep on the train or having woken up in the middle of his bed and pillows on the floor. 

He rubbed the aching area and winced in pain when he got to his feet and headed to the bathroom. He needed a shower. 

Carefully, he took his clothes off and tried not to make a lot of noise, knowing Dan was probably still sleeping. 

He opened the tap and waited for the water to warm up. Usually he liked to take warm-luke showers, but this morning he craved warmth. Steam started to cloud the mirror and the bathroom walls were soon filled with little drops of water.

Phil stepped in and let the stream hit his shoulders, leaving it massage his tense muscles and make his hair wet, letting it fall backwards and the fringe disappearing.

He closed his eyes and behind his eyelids he still could notice the light filtering through the shower curtain, but that didn’t stop him from seeing Dan on his bed, his hands holding the letter and his face overcoming with worry. The image was stuck there, and every time he Phil thought about it, it was like he was reliving that moment. 

He felt his throat started to close, fear flushing through him. As soon as he felt it, he tried taking deep breaths, counting five seconds for breathing in, and seven for breathing out. After a while, it worked.

He decided it was time for him to open his eyes and start washing up. It wasn’t until the foam started creating in his head that he realized he was using Dan’s shampoo. _Well, too late now._

It was funny how often he thought of Dan now –well, comparing it to when he was in _that_ relationship – he couldn’t ignore the lingering feeling of comfort. Having his best friend by his side all the time made everything so much easier. 

He was a shoulder to cry on, a brother he could tell everything to and a best friend he could always rely on. He should appreciate him more – he thought. Overcome with worried for what felt like the 20th time this morning, his mind instantly went to the problem and what will happen. _Should we call the police? Report him? I mean… we have evidence?_. He finally decided he’d tell Dan about it later on in the day. 

 

After rinsing out the gel on his body, he grabbed a towel from the hanger and wrapped it around his waist. As he let the remaining water from his head fall, he quickly cleaned the bathroom a bit, after that, he grabbed another towel and tried to dry his mop of a hair that was right now. 

Because he had just woken up, he hadn’t thought about bringing clothes, thus meaning he would have to get out of the bathroom to the freezing apartment. 

The first thing he did once in his room, was turn on the little radiator he had in situations like this, when heat was needed quickly. 

Just as he was about to open his wardrobe, he caught sight of his phone on the bed and realized he hadn’t opened it since yesterday afternoon. He probably had a lot of notifications an e-mails so instead of getting dressed, he sat in front of the heater with the towel hanging from his hips and phone in hand.

Putting the password in, he instantly raised his eyebrows. He had a lot of mentions, and it was weird given that he had been quite inactive for the past days. 

 

It seemed like a lot of people were mentioning him on another tweet. He read the handle and the blood drained from his face.   
_@MattWallker89: Had a rather pleasant surprise while I was trying to find a price, should I swap right?_

 

Once again, Phil felt his chest being contracted, like a weight falling on him and making it hard to breathe. It was Dan… _on Tinder?_.  
He knew it could be from the video they had been sponsored for, but still. This was a mess. People were talking, A LOT.

Usually they didn’t mind their shipping. Yes, sometimes it could get too much, but overall it was bearable. But this, this had created a bad situation that they –or well, Dan – might need to address.

………………………………….

Dan was starting to wake up, he slowly opened his eyes and tried to adjust them to the morning light. Everything was slow and rather peaceful until Phil banged the door open.

‘’Dan, Dan wake up. You need to see this’’ Phil said with a trembling voice and shaking Dan’s shoulder. ‘’What?’’ Dan rubbed his eyes to try and wake him up a bit more, he was confused to say the least. 

Phil shoved his phone in Dan’s face for him to see, and when he did, he let himself fall again on the mattress and threw his arms over his eyes. ‘’Fuck.’’


	15. ''How?''

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay people I'm here, yet again, apologizing for slacking off, but I HAVE GOOD RESONS I PROMISE: i was doing my uni entrance exams, then I started working and when i got home the only thing I could do was sleep and then I got my wisdom teeth out and god it hurt
> 
> !!!ALSO! Thankyou so much for leaving comments, they mean a lot to me, i s2g I thought no one was enjoying the story anymore

Dan and Phil were now in the living room. Phil was sitting on the sofa bouncing his leg and head in his hands, and Dan was pacing around in the middle of the room. Both were sharing the same expression and feeling of distress.

This seemed like 2012 once again. The only difference was that the mess wasn’t between Dan and Phil, still it was personal. Dan’s privacy was at risk, given that some people always dwell into everything just a bit too much. 

While it was true that just a simple screenshot couldn’t say a lot, it could also give away a lot. Dan wanted to say it was from the video he filmed, but what no one knew about was the fact that he had still used it after he uploaded it to his channel. He talked to some people, fooled around, but it didn’t last more than a few texts.

Phil was worried about the repercussion this would have. He was worried about Dan, and how it would affect him, and he was worried about the impact it would have on their platform. It was no secret that almost all the support they had were from fans believing there was something between them. 

‘’What if I upload a video making things clear?’’ Dan finally asked. ‘’Wouldn’t that be a bit too much? I mean, the profile was created for the sponsorship, right?’’ 

‘’Yeah, yeah… but still. I don’t know’’ Dan stopped walking in circles an finally sat down next to Phil, but his eyes only met the floor. ‘’You can just tweet saying that, then. I mean, it’s the truth, so we shouldn’t make thing complicated.’’ 

Dan nodded at the same time as he tried to process what Phil was saying, but there was something off. Would people start stalking Matt? Now they knew he existed, and somehow the fandom could establish a connection between Matt and Dan or Phil. This was far more complicated than Phil was making it out to be.

‘’What if they discover who Matt is? What if the truth is left out in the open? What if everything gets fucked up, Phil?’’ Phil raised his head and looked at Dan, who finally met his eyes. _Everything will be okay_. Phil remembered Dan’s promised, and tried with all his might to hold onto it, because right then he felt like he couldn’t hang on anything else. 

‘’Okay, let’s breathe. You could respond saying something like ‘sorry, not interested’. You need to say something as soon as possible, or else people will start hypothesising more and more.’’ Phil reasoned. 

‘’You’re right, I’ll just say something stupid and pray that all of this will go away’’. Dan closed his eyes, took a deep breath and grabbed his phone that was on the coffee table. He unlocked it and stared at the tweet for a full minute, as if trying to process what his next action would be.

 

_Re: @MattWallker89: Had a rather pleasant surprise while I was trying to find a price, should I swap right?_

_@DanielHowell: new phone who dis_

 

And as soon as he typed it, he posted it. Maybe it was a stupid response, but that was the point, right? Trying to sound casual and stupid? Either way, it was too late to try something else. 

Phil wasn’t too convinced about Dan’s reply, but to be honest with himself, he wouldn’t have been able to think of something better, so he just let it be and didn’t voice his unsureness to Dan.

‘’Okay, so now we wait and see what unfolds, ‘cause I’m sure that fucker won’t let his go this easily’’. Dan said, and Phil only nodded.

 

The morning passed uneventfully. They got some work done, and anxiously waited for anything new in their twitter inbox, DM’s or texts. 

Afternoon rolled around, and Phil decided to go downstairs and check their mailbox. It was probably full with trash and taxes, but he still needed to check it. This task was one of his least favourite things about being and adult.   
When he was a kid, the only things he received by mail were birthday cards and letter from far relatives. He would always get excited and happy. It was something about opening an envelope and not knowing what would be inside. 

But now that had changed. He would go through envelopes and envelopes, only to find publicity and letter from the bank or from the electricity company. No love letters from family, no birthday cards with money.

When he collected everything from his mailbox, he went upstairs and dumped everything on the kitchen counter, quickly disregarding what was supposed to be thrown right away.

Once he got rid of all the unwanted publicity, his pulse began to quicken. There it was again. The white envelope with those perfectly written words on the front side. 

‘From: Matt To:Phil’

_No. This can’t be happening. Not again_.

With trembling hands he opened the envelope, only to freeze when he saw what was inside. It wasn’t a letter.  
It was a photo. 

Phil took it out and slowly grabbed it with both hands. It was a photo of him. It seemed like he was in a bed, sleeping. He quickly noticed how the background didn’t belong to his room. No, it was Matt’s room. He was sleeping in Matt’s bedroom. But that man was nowhere to be seen. He’d taken the photo, obviously, but what did he want to say with it?

Phil didn’t know what to make out of this. He didn’t, no, couldn’t understand anything, what was happening, why and the letter. 

_Should I tell Dan about it? No, he already has a lot on his plate. This is my mess, I’ll fucking take care of it._

When he was about to put the photo inside of the envelope, he noticed there was something written, it looked like it was on the back of the photo. 

He turned it around, not expecting his world to crumble once again.

‘ _I think the internet would love to see a different bed, other than the checkered ones you always show. It’s time for a change, don’t you think?_ ’.

Fuck.

He hadn’t thought about that. _If Matt was to post the picture, then everything… ___

__Phil couldn’t even bare to finish his thought. This was bad. He needed to do something about it, but what? He had such little control. Once again, everything reminded him of 2012, and that was one of his worst years._ _

__Phil loved to share a lot of things on the internet, but some years into his YouTube career, he’d learnt where to draw the line, and that line was his personal relationships and some of his friendships. He could share more trivial things, but only he knew if there was a more underlying meaningfulness under them._ _

__

__He left the rest of the letters on the kitchen; he could deal with those later._ _

__He went back to his room and closed the door. Once inside and alone, he let the tears fall. Why did this have to happen to him? Everything was going so great. He was more open about his true appearance and taste, the tour did amazing and his career hadn’t stopped developing, he had caring friends and a loving family. But somehow, now he felt lonelier than ever._ _

__No mum or dad could fix this, no platform could understand the gravity of the situation, and no Dan could be left unhurt._ _

__And oh boy was this going to hurt._ _

__………………………………………._ _

__Dan did check twitter a few times, and was more than grateful for the responses. Almost everyone seemed to laugh at the situation, some others asked who this guy ‘Matt’ was, but seeing as there wasn’t any background story on his twitter, everyone had appeared to assume he was some random guy._ _

__Having calmed his nerves, Dan was able to concentrate on doing errands and everything else he had to get done.  
However, he didn’t forget Phil, and how he might be feeling. _ _

__

__Evening hours arrived, dim light filling empty rooms and a disorganized lounge._ _

__Dan decided to make a salad for dinner, knowing neither of them would be able to stomach anything else.  
Nervousness and uncertainty were already filling their empty stomachs._ _

__They sat at the table in the kitchen in silence. Dan had pulled the wine out of the fridge, and to be honest, he felt like drinking the whole thing and let his mind relax a bit with the buzzing of alcohol, but he knew better than that._ _

__Phil had grabbed his fork and stared at it, wondering how such an object felt like a hundred pounds, how such small clutter could almost defeat him and make him drop it._ _

__He took a better hold of it, only to play with a piece of lettuce and trying to push around the cherry tomatoes and the corn._ _

__Dan wasn’t stupid, neither was he blind. Of course he had noticed Phil’s lack of eating and the emptiness in his look. God, he looked so lost._ _

__‘’Phil, are you okay? Is the salad not alright?’’ Phil looked up from his food, and reassured that everything was fine. As if Dan would believe it._ _

__‘’Listen, I know everything has been a bit too much, but everything has turned out alright. And by the way, Matt will eventually give up. What else could he do ‘ruin us’? He doesn’t even really know us. I mean, he knows you, but not me. And certainly not ‘us’. And he has already tried, and failed. Our platform has responded really well, Phil, there’s nothing else to worry about right now._ _

__Phil was grateful for Dan’s words, even though he knew everything was far from alright. Still, he smiled and agreed with Dan._ _

__He didn’t dare to tell Dan the new truth; Dan looked so calm and like he truly believed everything was okay.  
Dan knew Phil all too well, and just as he saw him at his family lunch the day before, he could see Phil now, how he acted like everything was okay, but his eyes, blue orbs full of storms, gave away his anxious brain and troubled heart._ _

__No more words were exchanged during dinner._ _

__While they were cleaning up, Phil rested his right hip on the kitchen counter while Dan washed the dished and cleaned them in the sink. ‘’Dan, promise me everything will be okay’’ Phil had to hear it. He had to lie to himself, but he had to have someone do it for him, because his own words weren’t enough._ _

__Dan stopped the instant he heard Phil. He let everything he had in his hands drop, and without a second thought, turned and pulled Phil into a hug. He whispers Phil’s pleaded words._ _

__And Phil answers in the same hushed voice, sending a shiver to Dan’s spine. ‘’Tell me we’ll be stronger than we were in 2012’’._ _

__Dan could only hold his friend closer, because at that moment, Dan knew there was something else Phil was trying to protect him from. He appreciated him, don’t get him wrong, but at the same time, it hurt him._ _

__Phil was scared that it would affect him, and the fact that Phil was doing that, seemed to hurt more and worry him even more, if that was possible. Dan knew something bad had happened._ _

__The rest of the evening was spent watching something on TV. Neither of them processed anything._ _

__

__It was 1:33 AM when it happened._ _

__Phil hadn’t been able to silence his worries, so he was up looking mindlessly through his social media when he saw it. Matt had posted the picture. _That’s it. Now is when everything ends.__ _

__

__Dan woke up to the sound of his phone going off. Of course he hadn’t silenced it. Upcoming notifications kept him from falling back asleep. Still with his eyes closed, he reached out with his right arm and grabbed his phone. It took him a few blinks until his eyes adjusted to the light screen. It didn’t take him long to notice what was happening. He instantly read the questioning messages from friends, and the replies on twitter. Those were the worst._ _

__He saw the photo and looked at it as if trying to understand something. As if he kept looking longer, the photo would change. But no, the stranger’s room with his Phil in it was very much still there, still real._ _

__

__It was obvious the fandom would freak out. Most of their fan base was based on their relationship. And most of the replies to the photo said the same: ‘Phan is dead’._ _

__It hurt Phil to see those kind of responses because somehow, deep down he knew that Phan was, indeed, real. He and Dan had a friendship that not a lot of people would experience. They understood each other on some deeper level. Yes, they had had some ‘tension’ when they had first met, and even though that had dissipated, their love and trust in each other had only strengthened._ _

__So to see ‘phan is dead’ made him understand what he and Dan had, had also ended. And the reason of it, was Matt. Matt was at fault. Now Phil understood. He had trusted Matt when he shouldn’t have. He was so sure that Matt would care for him and never hurt him. All those times when Dan had advised him to be careful, wasn’t because he was jealous, it was because he saw through Matt better than Phil had._ _

__Phil was so into the new relationship, he was so excited to have found someone he could show affection to. But only now did he realise he had had that person from the begging. And it hadn’t been Matt.  
He decided that if he was to take things into matter on his own, he’d post a video. Again, he didn’t want to drag Dan into his problems. _ _

__

__Dan couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t believe it._ _

____Not again._   
_Does Phil know about this?_   
_I’m going to throw up_ _

__He tried to get up and go to the bathroom. With stumbling feet, he dragged himself out of bed and his room. Everything was spinning, and he couldn’t really make out where he was going to.  
Just as he opened his door, he noticed Phil’s was slightly open, and some light got through it._ _

__‘’Phil?’’ Dan whispered, just in case. He slowly opened the door further and saw Phil sat in the middle of his bed, legs crossed and in his hands, his phone.  
Dan then realized that Phil also knew. Phil had also seen the photo. _ _

__Neither of them said a word, they looked at each other, but only with their eyes they could hold a full conversation.  
They both knew this would mean a lot of drama and inconvenience, something they didn’t need. _ _

__It hurt Phil to see Dan like that, even in between the darkness and shadows, he could make out his bags under his eyes and his pale complexion, probably because of the situation at hand. He couldn't bear hiding anything else from his best friend. What did it matter anyway? The only thing he had left to lose was Dan's trust and his best friend. And if he did, god he would lose it. He can't imagine a world where Dan wasn’t in it, because right now, it felt like him and Dan were one, they were both in this mess together, and if one fell apart, neither of them would be able to be saved._ _

__'’I received the photo in the mail this morning'’._ _

__For a moment, Dan thought that he had imagined Phil saying something, but upon hearing the next words 'I'm sorry for not having said anything sooner' and the tears running down Phil's cheeks, reality hit him._ _

__Slowly, like he felt he had the world on his shoulders, he crossed the room and sat on the edge of the bed, giving his back to Phil.  
‘'So, is this it? '’_ _

__For a moment, Phil didn't understand what Dan meant. A few seconds passed, and Phil finally understood. Dan had the same worries as him, but Phil would be damned if this was going to be the end of them._ _

__‘'No. I'm going to address the issue and get our control back. I'm not going to let Matt ruin me, ruin you, or ruin us. '’ Dan let his head hung low and silently cried, letting Phil keep talking.  
'I'm not going to let _anyone_ destroy what we have. ‘’Dan, if we are together in this, nothing is going to break us. I promise'’_ _

__Dan turned and looked at Phil, eyes puffed, rimmed and full of unfallen tears. ''How?''_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehehehe another cliffhanger  
> i promise the next chapter will be less angst and more luv


	16. Looking up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeeeey  
> different chapter because I've noticed that everything I had written until now was angst and struggles, sooooooo here you have this
> 
>  
> 
> let's pray for me and my good intentions to upload more often

A week had passed and Dan still couldn’t make himself get out of bed. 

Phil grew more and more worried; first, about Dan. Then, about the situation still on hold. Neither of them had dared to check social media, even though it was literally their jobs, so they had just ticked to answering emails.

phil thought about posting a video explaining the situation, but on the other hand, he didn't want people to start obsessing over matt, and moreover, he feared that if he posted the video, his and Dan's viewers would stop supporting them. It's no lie that that their success is based on 'phan', so exposing the truth, that might impact them in a negative way.

Phil felt like he was losing it. Every minute of his day was taken by thinking about the mess on his hands. He also felt like he was losing Dan. 

He was aware that his friend only came out of his room to eat some dry cereal or go to the bathroom.  
Phil often knocked on his door, but he knew better and understood that he couldn't do much.

 

But that late Friday afternoon, he'd had enough. He opened Dan's door slowly and entered the room. silently making his way to the bed and lying down. 

Dan was facing the opposite wall, so Phil simply laid behind Dan and wrapped an arm around him.

''Dan, I need you to talk to me. Please.'' He whispered. ''I think I'm going crazy and I don't feel like you're by my side and I fell awful because I know you can't control anything when you feel like this, but please, Dan, don't make me feel alone.'' At that point, Phil was rambling, and he felt like crying.

He hadn't let himself cry for a while, feeling like he had the obligations of being the 'strong one', the 'pulled together'-which was utterly wrong and stupid- and at that moment, reality crashed over him. At that moment, in a dark room, with Dan under the covers and without giving any sign of living, and Phil laying clingy onto his friend.

 

Some minutes passed uneventfully, but Phil didn't leave. Until finally he felt like the mattress moved and when he opened his eyes - which at some point he had closed - he saw Dan's face. 

He looked awful. For all the time he spent in bed he had the darkest and biggest eyes bags.

Phil didn't comment on it. He just looked into Dan's eyes, as if they would give him the answer he needed it.  
They didn't, but they felt reassuring.

''I'm sorry'' Dan said ''I don't want you to feel like that, but I don't know what to do with myself.  
Phil just looked at him.

It had been a long time since they had a conversation like this one. These shared words were known to be said back in 2009 or 2010 when Dan was sad or miserable in university.

Phil raised his hand to rest it on top of Dan's, which was between them.

Dan looked at their fingers, touching, and took a better hold of his friend's hand. It was a warm, welcoming feeling. He had not realized how much he had been craving it until now.

His eyes averted back to Phil's. They also looked warm and gave away a sense of comfort and softness. They felt like home. 

''I'm sorry if I hurt you. I'm sorry I've been selfish.'' ''Dan, you know you haven't been. We're both going through tough times, we just process it in a different way. You do what you need to do. And I'll be here with you all the way through.''

Those words hung on the air for a while, until Dan pulled Phil closer to him and hugged him. Fearing that if he were to let go, he'd lose his friend. ''Phil, I'm scared'' His voice wavered in fear.''I know. I am, too. But it's okay, we have us.''

Dan looked into his friend's eyes again and felt something he hadn't in a while. Everything was too overwhelming, so he decided not to dwell on it too much. 

His intentions were at Vail, though. As they both fell asleep later on, still together, Dan's mind reminded him of the harsh truth.

............................

Phil was the first one to wake up. Their legs were all tangled up together, and he could feel Dan's breath on his cheek. Instead of finding it disgusting-because, you know, morning breath and all- he found it endearing. 

Memories flooded back at him. When they were living in Manchester, they sometimes fell asleep on the couch while they were watching a movie or playing a video game. Then when they moved to London, they had shared a bed for some days because they had only one bed. 

Maybe Phil was reading too much into it, but there was a feeling on the tip on his stomach.

Dan started waking up but did not get up. He just simply looked up at Phil, and Phil turned his head ''Hello there''.

It was like Dan didn't remember what had happened last night. But the thing was, he felt so content and so secure right then, he could let himself forget all the shit that was going on. Even if it was only for a while.

''Good morning'' Phil finally said. 

Neither of them said anything else or moved. They just stared at each other, because they both knew. They knew this was similar to what happened when they first met. When they were too scared to voice their feelings. When they were young and careless, and sometimes they dared to look into each other's faces for too long, or linger their sight at their lips. 

Dan lifted a finger and let it rest on the side of Phil's face. ''You have a stubble'' He hushed. ''Have you ever thought about growing out a beard?''

But Phil was still too transfixed into what was actually happening. He was trying to understand the situation.  
''Maybe you could grow out a ginger beard. That'd be cool.''

''I just forgot to shave.'' He answered at last. Dan nodded. 

Phil felt his heart start racing a bit more, and it seemed his thoughts had decided to do the same. He felt the urge to get away from Dan as far as possible, he was scared his heart might implode.

''What are you afraid of?'' Dan seemed to have read through him, as he moved his hand and started combing his fingers through Phil's hair.

''I don't know''. Phil wasn't sure Dan heard him, as his words had come out in barely a whisper.

It was true that maybe they didn't have the 'conventional friendship'. -the _bro_ thing and whatnot - they were really close and understood each other in some deeper level. And it looked like n¡right now they were really touchy as well. Neither Dan or Phil seemed to mind.

''How about we forget about everything for a day and just relax. Forget about work and Matt, forget there's a world outside. Just us, TV, and food.''

''Sounds fucking amazing to me.'' Phil replied with a smile. Feeling like today might be a good one.

What Phil didn't know was that Dan had proposed a day like that because he knew Phil hadn't had a well rested night for a while. Just like he hadn't been eating a lot or hadn't taken good care of himself. 

Dan was himself falling apart, but Phil was also hurting, and seeing his friend like that only made him more miserable.

''Are we going to get up at any point or are we ordering breakfast in bed?'' Phil asked, a glint of happiness in his voice?''  
''There's no such thing as breakfast take away you dingus''.

Some more minutes later, the finally made their way over to the kitchen and started making coffee, as well as pouring some milk and cereal into bowls.  
Food ready, they sat on their sofa, but they didn't turn the TV on.

For the first time in a long time, there was an uncomfortable silence lingering in the air.

Dan turned his head to Phil. ''I'm scared we're going to lose everything. I'm scared I'm going to lose you.'' He said it so fast Phil had barely caught it up. But he did. 

''We're not going to. Remember what I told you. We have each other. ''

''I know, but, still... '' 

Dan fidgeted with his finger, and he noticed how long his fingernails had gotten. 

''I want to believe you, I truly do. But this whole things has messed me up. I can't tell between my rational thinking and the possible terrible outcomes. '' Phil nodded but did not speak, he let Dan say everything he wanted to and let his worries come out.

But instead of more speaking, there was a lull in the conversation, later on, filled with Dan moving closer to Phil and letting his head resting on his friend's shoulder. 

Phil welcomed the little embrace and let his head fall on top of the brown mess. Absentmindedly, Phil tried to link his breathing to Dan's. He didn't know why, but it felt comforting. It felt like all those times he said they were together in this, now it became real. They were both here, on the sofa pressed together, and sharing the same breathes, sharing the same movements of their chests rising and falling. It felt like they became one.

Phil's actions did not go unnoticed by Dan. He appreciated his best friend's intentions. And at that moments he knew for real. 

Who was going to care so much about him? Who else would get to the extent of _fucking_ matching their breathing with him because they knew it made a calming effect?

Dan was sure that no one else.

At that moment, Dan knew Phil was the only one. It didn't mean necessarily that all of this was romantic, but the feelings of love and appreciation for each other were unmeasurable. 

''Thank you.'' Dan whispered. Phil pulled him closer.

The day when on without a lot of new events, but Phill noticed a different air around the house. He didn't feel like this was the home he shared with his best friend, roommate, co-worker. 

This was the home where he and Dan, the only person who truly knew him had built a life together. 

Phil couldn't help but feel a rush of emotions flow through him, making him teary-eyed. Even when a shit-storm was going on in his life, he felt the biggest appreciation for his life and friend, a flow of love and somewhat happiness. 

It was overwhelming, to say the least, but in a good way. 

Phil let a single tear fall down his cheek and stop over his mouth. He was smiling. 

He was also in his room, sitting cross-legged in the middle of his bed, his eyes fixated in nothing in particular. 

He let his body fall backwards and was met by the pillows, welcoming him to lay down and relax.  
Relax, that was something he hadn't done in a while. 

Dan was also in his room, but he wasn't sitting down. He was pacing around the 15 meters square room up and down. 

_It didn't make sense. It just didn't._

All those years he felt alone and neglected by love and affection, he already had all those things.  
And they were right in front of him. In his life.

In his home.

Now he understood how a relationship didn't have to be romantic to be full of those things. And he now understood how his relationship with Phil made him feel more than whole and complete.

He recalled the moment that happened a few hours ago, on their sofa. He felt so much compassion and appreciation for his friend, he felt he might not be able to not express it. It was too much.

He stopped in the middle of his room and looked at the door. 

It took him two seconds to move and head out of his room and head to Phil's.  
He didn't knock, and he didn't care hi hadn't. 

He found Phil laying downs, crying and smiling. Maybe he felt the same as him.

''What are you doing?'' Dan asked from the door. 

''Thinking?'' Phil answered without opening his eyes. ''About what?'' Dan stepped closer to the bed. ''About everything. About how everything is fucked up. Matt, my life and me. ''

Dan didn't understand a thing his friend was saying, and it stressed him not understanding.

''What?'' ''It's just'' - Phil paused as if thinking of how to phrase his thoughts -''Even though our lives may be a shit-storm right now, I'm glad we're both getting rained on'' 

''Getting poetic, are we?'' Dan tried to joke, but he knew how real this all was. He finally laid down next to feel and put his arms behind his head, looking up at the ceiling. 

..................................

It happened as they were having dinner. Phil finally decided to tweet saying how Matt was a person from the past, and how some people didn't have good intentions. He didn't want to give it that much importance. He didn't want people focusing on Matt. 

The responses were mixed up. Some got mad at Matt, others questioned phan, and some didn't give a single fuck.

''Seems like maybe thing won't go as bad as we thought'' Phil said while trying to put spaghetti in his mouth. 

''Maybe Matt got tired of his own game.'' Dan added, Phil smiled.

And g¡for the first time in a while, everything seemed to be looking up.


	17. Hidden feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back!  
> I'm gonna be honest for a moment here. I didn't have any inspiration and wasn't sure how to continue the story, so instead of just writing, I've taken some time to think and re-conduct the story

Weeks had passed after the Matt incident. At first, Phil was taking it very well. On his day to day, he barely thought about him, nor did he have de time, really. A lot of things were going on; meetings, new ideas and more socializing. It was high time, to be honest.

It was known by everyone that neither Dan nor Phil barely left the house, but lately, Phil found himself going for a drink several times a week. Even if it was just to get afternoon tea, or drinking his daily sugar intake in a late evening. 

With that came new encounters. He was meeting new people, friends of friends or strangers that approached him for some reason or another. 

Despite his fear of not being liked by others, he was doing really well in engaging in conversations or even initiating ones. Phil also found it amusing when people flirted with him. It made him compare how people saw him now versus how they did before. 

Everyone noticed how matured he looked now, how he had changed in personality -not ever losing his essence - and style. 

This afternoon, he bid Dan goodbye and headed downtown to meet with some old friends that were visiting London. 

He was wearing a black boomer jacket with some white details, black jeans and white Vans. And because he had been home all day, he hadn't even bothered putting on his contacts when he woke up, and he hadn't bothered putting on them now. So he went out with glasses. 

He looked casual albeit a ''fucking meal'', as he saw his followers call him.

Never in his 31 years on this earth had he felt so confident and comfortable in himself. 

It was starting to rain a bit, so he rushed to the bar where he was to meet everyone. It was only a fifteen-minute walk, the reason why he was now running in order not to get too wet.

The place wasn't bad at all. Albeit the dim lighting, you could see everything clearly. It wasn't too crowded, but there were a few groups of people. An indie rock band was playing in the background, and Phil's friends were in the far-left corner, sat in high stools around a table.

He smiled at the sight of them, it had been a few months since he had talked to them. 

''Oh my god Phil, you're looking really good!'' Adam said. He knew Phil from uni. They had met in the library when Phil was about to grab a book from the shelve that the professor has asked the class to read. And just when he placed his hand on the book cover, another hand covered his own. He jumped and the book fell down to the floor. 

_''Sorry mate, are you okay?''_

Those were the first words Adam said to Phil. 

Phil blushed at his friend's comments. He thought Adam was looking good too, but he would never dare to say those words out loud. 

As the evening progressed, Phil found himself averting his eyes to Adam; observing his eyes and noticing how he almost closed them when he laughed, or his perfect teeth (he once told Phil he wore braces when he was fourteen). It was clear that Phil thought Adam was cute. 

When the evening drew to a close, Phil said his goodbye to everyone, leaving the cute boy for the last. ''I had a really good evening' Phil said, grinning - the few drinks he had running through his system - ''Yeah, me too.'' It seemed like Adam was mirroring his expression because his eyes were squinted together and he was showing his perfect teeth. ''We should meet up more often, I feel like seeing you-you guys, I mean, once every few months is not enough. All of you are the main reason I am socializing more.''

Adam giggled. ''Oh Lester, you haven't really changed as much as I thought after all these years, have you?''

Phil was taken aback a bit by the other's boys actions, or rather, look on his face. Was he fucking checking him out?

Phil let out a small laugh after remembering that he had to say or do something else and not just look like he had just seen a ghost.

''I guess you'll have to see for yourself if that's true'' Phil smiled.

Little did Adam truly know how Phil was feeling. 

The raven-haired boy couldn't believe he was actually flirting with the other man. Maybe he was looking calm and composed, but on the inside, he wanted to bury himself in the ground. He was too awkward for this, he wasn't used to being so forward, but for some unknown reason, he found himself in this situation. 

''I'll text you next time I'm around London''. And with that, everyone left and Phil walked back home.

......................................

Dan skyped his mum for half an hour. They talked about their lives, like always, and the possible new-upcoming trips that they could take next summer. 

Besides that, Dan didn't have much to do. It was late, and he was kinda bored. After lounging for a bit and checking social media, he decided it was time to ''prepare to bed'', aka, brushing his teeth and taking his laptop to the bedroom. 

He tidied a bit the living room, folding a blanket that at some point of the day had been thrown over the sofa, several mugs on the coffee table and a pair of socks on the carpet. 

He turned off all the lights and headed to the bathroom. Dan picked up his toothbrush and put a dollop of toothpaste, probably more than it was necessary. 

He looked at himself in the mirror and placed a hand on the counter, balancing his weight on his right foot.

Mindlessly, he started gazing over the objects that were lying around, but his eyes stopped when he saw a marble bowl he bought months ago. One that he didn't need and was unreasonably pricey, but it was aesthetically pleasing, so he bought it. Because he wanted, and he could. 

Phil was the one that had bought all those bath bombs that filled the over-priced marble bowl. A mix of glittery ones and bubble makers -whatever those were called - Dan didn't know how else to call them. 

Still with the brush on his mouth, he pondered over having a bath or not. It was quite late, but he was kinda bored and with nothing else to do. 

He finished spitting the foam on his mouth and opened the bath tap, hot water falling right away. 

While the bath was being filled, Dan went to choose what bath bomb to have. 

After a full minute of picking up each one, observing its details and colours, he dropped on the water the one which he remembered the name of, ''Secret Arts''. 

He stared at the ball decomposing itself and tainting the water of grey and glitter. 

Once he thought how beautiful that sight had been, he stripped, not bothering with his clothes and just letting them on the floor, he put one leg on the water, immediately regretting not having checked the water before.  
''Fuck'' He muttered to himself. It was too fucking hot.

Thank god the tub wasn't filled to the top and he was able to fill it with more cold water.

 _This is nice_. He thought. 

Not even five minutes later and the door to the bathroom was already being opened by an overexcited Phil.

''Oh shit, Dan! I didn't know you were in here'' Phil apologized but made no sign of getting out of there. 

''It's alright, but would you mi-'' He couldn't even form a full sentence, Phil had already started talking again. ''You won't believe this. You know how I was meeting some old friends, right? Well ... turns out that Adam - you don't know him but whatever - he's fucking cute now, like, I don't know, something has changed about him, he looks more manly, and has really good hair and, whatever. The point is, we flirted. **I** flirted with him.''

Dan had stopped listening as soon as Phil said _Adam_. At first, he didn't mind Phil barging in, and talking about his day if he was excited about something. But weirdly enough, now he just wanted to close his eyes and let the grey and black water drown him. He wanted his mind to be somewhere else, maybe in the Alps, where he could only see cows, or maybe in an old English cottage. Or maybe his bed. 

''- and, you see, we have decided to see each other again. Not going to lie, I'm a bit scared that if this goes any further, it may end up like it did with Matt. But at the same time, I want this, like, _really_ want this. You know?''

Dan had his eyes closed, and the water covered just above his chin. He had managed to tune out Phil. He felt a bit bad, but it was just something about his friend chiming in and start talking about how lucky he was about meeting someone who was interested in him, it was nagging.

''Dan. Are you even awake?'' 

''Mmmhm'' He had no intentions of forming any other coherent sound, even less of saying a word.  
'' And what do you think? Should I just go for it? Or maybe it's to soon to assume things and I should wait until he says something?''

Phil was met with silence. He assumed Dan had fallen asleep, so he let him be and went to his room to think and go over the events that had happened in the last six hours. 

Little did he know, Dan wasn't asleep. Actually, he was far from it. His mind was racing a hundred miles per hour. What was that feeling in his stomach? Why was he so annoyed by Phil, but only when he had started talking about his evening? Why didn't he want to know anything about that Adam guy?

Dan didn't feel like relaxing in the bath anymore. So he stood up, grabbed a towel, wrapped it around his hips and drained the grey-stained water.

Not even bothering with cleaning up the bathroom, he retreated to his room, changed into a pair of boxers and sweatpants, and got inside his bed. The laptop being long forgotten at the foot of the bed. 

_Time to overthink._

But even Dan knew that he didn't have to overthink about anything. He had already thought about this a couple of times these past three months. 

It was some moments, when they were watching a movie, or one ordering take-out without asking the other for what they wanted because they already knew each other's order. The memories came back.  
For that, they were like lucid dreams. He'd be grabbing the chopsticks when suddenly it was 2009 and he was in Phil's house for the first time. 

He knew now that deep inside, he still felt something for his friend. He had grown to know that already, but he was aware that what he felt was fondness, appreciation, he cared for his friend, worried and loved him. He already knew they shared a connection that not everyone can experience. 

But the new realization that he might have some other unbeknown feeling had hit him hard. 

Now, laying in bed and thinking about all of that, he tried to understand better his situation, and what he could do about it.

He was sure that he didn't want to ruin anything. He loved what he had and what he had built, and he wasn't about to throw all of that out of the window because his feelings for Phil remained the same as back then.

As he thought about it, he couldn't stop moving around his bed, tangling his legs on the covers and changing the position every thirty seconds. 

2 am is what his phone said. He threw the covers at the end of the bed and looked at his ceiling. 

_If I've been able to suppress this feeling for all these years, I can live with it for seven more._

He would help Phil getting with this boy if he asked for advice. He would still love Phil but as his best friend. 

It's not like they don't look or act like a couple sometimes, so, it won't hurt to keep it like that. 

Phil has gone through a lot these months, and he looked really happy when he was talking to Dan.  
Dan, who was acting childish because he was feeling kinda jealous. But that was about to change.  
He would support Phil and he himself will try and meet someone as well.

......................................

Phil could hear Dan's mattress shift through the wall. Not going to lie, he was actually worried. Was he going through something again? Had Phil done something wrong to annoy him?  
He guessed he could talk to him about it in the morning. 

Phil didn't fall asleep soon either. He couldn't stop himself from thinking about what had happened that evening. Was it a good idea to get into another relationship? Was he reading too much into it? And maybe Adam didn't even like him that much. Maybe Adam just wanted a one-night stand.  
Either way, Phil didn't mind. He wasn't about to kid himself. Even if Adam just wanted to meet him a night, Phil was pleased. He liked contact, and he wasn't picky about whether having it in a relationship or a quick hook up. 

Since he was young and started getting into ''relationships'', Phil had been with girls and some boys. But somewhere in the middle, he stopped getting on with people in that sense.  
He was quite excited about being able to be with, and meet, different people.

As if on cue to his thoughts, his phone dinged. He stretched an arm and grabbed the phone that was laying on his nightstand.

02:04 _Adam: Hey! It's Adam_  
02:04 _Adam: sorry if i'ts too late for you or I'm just waking you up (i hope i'm no- or yes. idk)_  
02:04 _Adam: i just wanted to say that it was good seeing you, i feel like you've changed a lot, but in a good way_  
02:04 _Adam: I just checked and I'll be in London next week again for work, so if you're up to it, we can hang out again_

 

Phil rubbed his eyes, trying to get used to the light from the device. Was he dreaming? Or was Adam actually texting him?

Yes, yes he was.

02:06 _Phil: hi!_  
02:06 _Phil: don't worry about texting this late, i'm usually awake_  
02:06 _Phil: i'm happy to have seen you again, you've also changed_  
02:06 _Phil: and for the good, don't worry haha_  
02:07 _Phil: and yeah, I'm totally up to meeting you again, I've had a really good time tonight_

02:07 _Adam: well, i'm glad to hear that_  
02:07 _Adam: see you. I'll text you when I'm back_

Phil was grinning like a teenager. He couldn't help but be excited about meeting Adam again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soz if u don't like dan's realization


End file.
